When the disparity becomes obvious.

[weeblewobble]

Random question: How does Brother respond to all this?  Do you think she tried to pass off Joe's gift to DS because everybody else noticed the disparity?

[Missy2U]

I think it's time to sit down with DS and tell him that you aren't going to be around grandma anymore because she's not a nice person. She does things like this to hurt people, and that's not OK.

Then cut direct. You can let your brother know what's up. If she calls and whines to him, then he can say, "Mom, you treat Coley and her family badly, so it's not surprising she doesn't want to be around you."

I wholeheartedly agree with this - it's time for this to end.

[Deetee]

What you are doing is teaching your son how to respond to people who are cruel to him. This is an important life skill that he will need for the rest of his life. Obviously minimizing contact is a good thing.

Maybe you can cut all contact, but maybe you can minimize contact. The question you need to ask is what benefit does your family get from contact with your mother? Then try to arrange visits to get those good thing (cooking lessons, family history, contact with other relatives that you care about) and avoid the bad.

You are partway there because you recognise that nothing you say or do will let your mother realise/admit what she is doing. That is crucially important.

But I think you need to stop minimising your mom's behaviour and making excuses (such as not knowing his size). You can minimize the effect of the behaviour (she is an odd, sad person sometimes) and make sure your son realises it's not him.

[Otterpop]

I agree with Cicero.  Definitely opt out of the gift exchange and explain why to your son.  Your mother will miss out on her audience and opportunity to hurt you, your son will not be exposed to it, and you won't get another pink bathrobe.  If your brother asks why you're not there, tell him exactly why.  It seems he understood after the picture incident any way.  Maybe he will rock the boat again, maybe not.  But your family will be spared.

You are not alone.  There are many of us "survivors" here.  My family cut back severely on interaction with MIL long ago and our kids are the ONLY grandchildren.  This year MIL fawned over her tenant's child.    (She has no one left!!!)  She showed us pictures, told us about the gifts she gave them, fawned over the gift the tenants gave her.  Did not open ours.  It was so over the top crazy, her SIL who is very reserved, told her to knock it off.  My daughters, teenagers, looked at me and chuckled.  We explained the dynamic to them long ago.  They grew in the knowledge of it, don't miss the "interaction," and embrace the distance.  They know that no gift in the world is worth all that pain.

[auntmeegs]

Random question: How does Brother respond to all this?  Do you think she tried to pass off Joe's gift to DS because everybody else noticed the disparity?

Yes, I'm wondering about this too.

(((Hugs to you and your adorable son)))

[Wordgeek]

The etiquette aspect of the situation has been adequately addressed.

Best wishes to the OP.