Backing out on vacation plans

[Enkidu]

I think this is a case where you can't control another person's reaction. You have good reasons for wanting to back out of the trip. If you've made up your mind to do so, it should be as soon as possible.

However, realistically, she's going to be upset. It might go smoother if you acknowledge that right off. I probably would bring up that my kids aren't enthused about going, because it is a big part of your reluctance, and it's the part not about her. I would say something like,

"SIL, I know you're going to be disappointed, and I'm sorry, but (husband) and I have realized that our kids aren't interested in going back to Fun Vacation Spot. There's just no way for us to justify spending that kind of money to surprise them with a vacation that they will be lackluster about at best, so we have decided to bow out of the trip. We know your kids will really enjoy it, and we are happy to share tips and help you plan. We still want to help make the trip special for them, so if you decide to still take them, we'd like to [buy them a special overnight bag, give them spending money for souvenirs, or some other gesture]. I'm sorry it's not going to be like we initially planned, and I hope you understand."

And then, let her have her reaction. If she is upset or reacts negatively, I've found that acknowledging the validity of the feeling, while remaining calm and non-defensive, helps defuse tensions. Something like, "In your place, I would be disappointed, too. I'm sorry it didn't work out."

[kudeebee]

You are fine to back out at.  You brought up the trip, it is a year away, no plans have been made or deposits made/tickets purchased, etc.

I would be honest with her and tell her that since you first talked to her about the trip, your plans have changed.  Your kids enjoyed fun vacation spot, but indicated that they really don't want to go back again.  So, you will not be going back and wanted to let her know now before any plans are made.  Let her know if she is still interested in taking her kids, you will pass on info that you have/websites/etc that will help her in planning.

[mindicherry]

Oh Poop! I just realized that (name your event) was scheduled for that weekend!  Thank goodness we hadn't yet put money down on this!

Can't wait to get together with everyone again!  Lemme just check on the next available date for us!

[Amava]

If she was going to pay her own way and her kids' way anyway, I don't see why she can't go without you. She can either decide to go alone with her own kids, or find different company, or make different plans alltogether.  It's still a whole year from now, that is a long time, and no bookings have been made!

Just tell her as soon as possible.

[cicero]

I think you are perfectly fine in cancelling, since no solid plans have been made. Don't blame it on your kids not wanting to go, though. That could very easily blow up in your face. Just keep it vague, you don't owe her a specific explanation, even though she rudely invited herself along. All she needs to know is that it isn't going to work out for you and your kids to go, but that you hope she and her kids have a great time without you. Lather, rinse, repeat and offer as much bean dip as needed.

I agree

Don't give excuses, just focus more on this being a "head's up" since "no solid plans have been made" and "i wanted to make sure you have plenty of time to schedule something else."

[Winterlight]

To me, you've floated the idea of a trip that would be a year out.  Since no deposits have been made and no kids told, I think your fine to tell her that after further consideration, you and your DH have decided that the trip isn't feasible for your family after all, but if she still wants to take her kids, you'd be happy to give her some help planning since you've recently travelled there.

This. "It's just not possible for us to go there again." Don't get into why.

[penelope2017]

To me, you've floated the idea of a trip that would be a year out.  Since no deposits have been made and no kids told, I think your fine to tell her that after further consideration, you and your DH have decided that the trip isn't feasible for your family after all, but if she still wants to take her kids, you'd be happy to give her some help planning since you've recently travelled there.

This. "It's just not possible for us to go there again." Don't get into why.

I know this idea is offered a lot on this board, and I understand the reasons, but I think often it just isn't practical without relationship fallout. The OP suggested the trip. Saying the above bolded does not make much sense without some sort of explanation.

The OP says she is prepared to have fallout and I think no matter what she says, there's going to be fallout, because it is going to eventually become clear she was fine going on a trip with the kids, but she doesn't want to go on a trip with her SIL. She's perfectly entitled to do not want that. But it will likely cause hurt feelings.

[Queen of Clubs]

If she was going to pay her own way and her kids' way anyway, I don't see why she can't go without you. She can either decide to go alone with her own kids, or find different company, or make different plans alltogether.  It's still a whole year from now, that is a long time, and no bookings have been made!

Just tell her as soon as possible.

I agree.  Yes, she might be disappointed, but it's better to let her know ASAP.  You can help her plan/get the vacation organised, if she still wants you to (and if you want to).

If, on the other hand, she blows up completely and cuts you off, well, wouldn't she have done that at some point anyway?  If she's vindictive (as you mentioned in one of your posts), then you'll either have to keep on giving in to keep her happy or you'll stand your ground and upset her.  At least if you disappoint her now, whatever reaction you'll get will be before you've spend thousands on an unwanted vacation.

[auntmeegs]

To me, you've floated the idea of a trip that would be a year out.  Since no deposits have been made and no kids told, I think your fine to tell her that after further consideration, you and your DH have decided that the trip isn't feasible for your family after all, but if she still wants to take her kids, you'd be happy to give her some help planning since you've recently travelled there.

This. "It's just not possible for us to go there again." Don't get into why.

I know this idea is offered a lot on this board, and I understand the reasons, but I think often it just isn't practical without relationship fallout. The OP suggested the trip. Saying the above bolded does not make much sense without some sort of explanation.

The OP says she is prepared to have fallout and I think no matter what she says, there's going to be fallout, because it is going to eventually become clear she was fine going on a trip with the kids, but she doesn't want to go on a trip with her SIL. She's perfectly entitled to do not want that. But it will likely cause hurt feelings.

I agree.  Not to pick on you Winterlight, just using your post as an example, but I find this advice really unhelpful in most cases.  If it were that easy the OP probably wouldn't be posting here.  I can hardly ever think of a single case where "its just not possible" is going to suffice as an with someone who isn't a stranger. 

[nalapuppy]

Oh Poop! I just realized that (name your event) was scheduled for that weekend!  Thank goodness we hadn't yet put money down on this!

Can't wait to get together with everyone again!  Lemme just check on the next available date for us!

This I disagree with.  You don't want to lie to her, or create an elaborate scenario.  Just tell her that unfortunately you won't be able to go.  If she questions why, then just say sorry it's not possible, and keep repeating as needed.

I wouldn't add anything about not going to this specific place though.  You might be guilted into planning a different vacation with her to another location.

[NyaChan]

I was wondering, OP, why did you go to the same location this year if you had already offered to take all the kids to it next year?

 

[Roe]

Sounds like the location is DisneyWorld?  Am I right?

Since no deposits have been made, I think it's perfectly fine to let her know your plans have changed. (kids no longer want to go)  It's crazy to spend $1000 on a vacation that you know you won't enjoy and that you know your kids really don't want to go on.

She's going to be upset and disappointed but she'll either get over it or die mad.  You can't really control her reaction. 

Just be matter of fact and like you mentioned, offer to help her plan.  In the end, she might be glad that it's just her and her kids.  It'll be something memorable for them vs going with a family that really doesn't want to be there. 

[oopsie]

I was wondering, OP, why did you go to the same location this year if you had already offered to take all the kids to it next year?

 

Our trip this year was already booked and paid for many months before I mentioned taking the kids next year. It was our second time there. Going again next year would make it the third visit in four years.

Personally, I love this vacation destination and would have no problem going back every year with the right company. This is why I mentioned bringing nieces and nephew as it was something I wanted to share with them. Unfortunately, when we got back from our trip this year, DH and the kids declared that they would like to go somewhere else next time. We all had a great time there but they just would like to switch it up.

If my kids were really and truly interested in going back, it would definitely make it easier for me to suck it up, overlook my differences with ex-SIL, take the time off, spend the money and go. That not being the case, I'm left with a feeling of "buyers remorse" if that makes any sense?

[oopsie]

Sounds like the location is DisneyWorld?  Am I right?

Since no deposits have been made, I think it's perfectly fine to let her know your plans have changed. (kids no longer want to go)  It's crazy to spend $1000 on a vacation that you know you won't enjoy and that you know your kids really don't want to go on.

She's going to be upset and disappointed but she'll either get over it or die mad.  You can't really control her reaction. 

Just be matter of fact and like you mentioned, offer to help her plan.  In the end, she might be glad that it's just her and her kids.  It'll be something memorable for them vs going with a family that really doesn't want to be there.

Ha ha! Right you are. I friggin' love that place! DH and my kids love it too but just not in the same way that I do. To me, it's the perfect family vacation destination.

Roe, in some ways, ex-SIL kind of reminds me of your K'innihave - just in that some of her actions really make you scratch your head.

[VorFemme]

We own two timeshares in Orlando (VorGuy liked the idea of being able to rent them out if we didn't need them - then the economy took a downturn - fortunately HIS job was safe....but back to Disney).

I could go to Disney and Universal every year - Sea World, every year with company but not by myself (every other year by myself).  I'm an extrovert & love to people watch while I ride, walk, eat, and talk to whoever else is in the group.

Even going by myself isn't too bad (Universal - Harry Potter this year - VorGuy had foot trouble) - lots of people to watch and I love butterbeer!

Some of the other family members want to take a break from the BIG attractions.....so we floated around the water park for two days...I burn easily, so I don't live at the pool, even on vacation.  I'd like to - but being a "crispy critter" HURTS!

Let SIL know NOW that your plans for the next vacation have changed due to the kids' expressing a preference and ask if the date can be changed to NEXT year (if they think that they'd like to go back to the same place again after a break of an extra ten or twelve months) - the comment about "it's a good thing we aren't locked into reservations" sounds like a good way to lead up to it.  Depending on where the kids & spouse want to go this time (formerly joint vacation time) - you might ask if she thinks that her kids would like to come along - but if it is a Not Nearly As Exciting Place (NNAEP), don't be shocked if she declines to take a BIG vacation to NNAEP.

I could also go to the Renn Faire several times - I've gone three times to two faires in the last two years (would have gone to a fourth time to the second faire this year - but VorSon wasn't feeling well enough & it got put off too long to go, after all).

I just like to go places...not everyone finds it relaxing, or so I'm told.