I would say, be proactive, and don't ignore anything, not the tiniest little PA dig, etc. Immediately response AS IF she had actually spoken directly to you instead of about you.
You need to school her in how to interact with you. By being a role model--not by lecturing her or by calling her out.
When she says, "Your mother is making pancakes this morning," you should *immediately* say, VERY PLEASANTLY, "Good morning, Mom, are you asking me to make pancakes for breakfast? Sounds great! You know, you can just ask me or tell me directly. I'd be happy to make whatever you ask for, but it's so much more pleasant if you actually talk to me directly, instead of making comments to someone else ABOUT me. That feels like such a criticism, and I only just got out of bed. I need to pee and walk the dog, and then I'll be ready to cook those pancakes."
(better yet, get one of the kids to walk the dog, if at all possible, so you can start cooking, since she was hungry)
In these situations, I try to "channel my inner day-care worker." The good ones can hold their temper even in the face of provocation, I think because they regard comments like this as *developmental signposts,* and not as a personal dig.
They'd say, "this is an indication that Mom is hungry, and probably feels frustrated at having to *ask* someone else, in her OWN home, to make a specific food for breakfast. It's an ordinary meal, and it's her house, and so she shouldn't have to feel like she's asking some almighty favor. So I'll just be pleasant to her, because that's what a grownup would do as a response here. And hopefully she'll take the hint about the proper tone to use."
Or they'd assume that she wasn't being snotty (even if they KNEW she was), and then they'd say, "Oh, you want pancakes? Sounds good! I'll make them as soon as I'm done with the morning routine here." in a happy and breezy tone. Just pretend things are the way you WANT them to be, and sort of aggressively act as if they ARE that way, and you may find that they slide over eventually to BE that way, for real.
And they often use the vocabulary or wording that the other party should use. They might even say, "Just say, 'I want pancakes this morning,' and I'll know what to do."
And if you're going to do all the cooking, it might be a good idea to remove as many opportunities for clashing over this sort of stuff by making up a menu for three to four days out, w/ food choices and serving times, and stick to it as best you can. Then there won't BE the opportunity for her to make digs like this, etc.
And remember a couple of things from your mom's point of view.
She probably resents the idea that she should have to ASK for an ordinary meal at [what is for her] an ordinary mealtime in her own home. Especially when she's used to getting up at 6:30 and having autonomy and privacy, and now she doesn't because your family is here.
She probably is sort of instinctively "jabbing at" your family, which has descended upon her home.
But if you can decide that you're the "self-actualized" one, the "aware" one, then you can model the sort of conversations that should happen between considerate and pleasant adults. So just always "play the part" of the pleasant grownup.
