Unwanted guest invited to gathering

[fnygrl]

I just got a message from my neighbor (whom I had lunch with and  had the party this weekend) and she said she received a text saying if she wasn't busy to give her a call.  And in her (the neighbor's words) said, "Obviously she is deeply bothered by our friendship". 

I wonder if it even crosses the bully's mind that we're comparing notes?

[sammycat]

I'd ignore for now.  Maybe forever.  But if you do reply, at least give it a day or so, and then something vague "yeah been busy, hope all is resolved!" and that's that.  I wouldn't speak to her on the phone though.  I think ignoring is the best thing, but because she is your neighbor I understand if you don't want to total cut direct.

(I'm betting whats bugging her is she knows your other neighbor had a party and that you and several others went and she is hurt she wasn't invited.)

I agree, on all accounts.

[Danika]

I'm going to ignore it - at least for now.  If I do respond, I'll probably say I've been busy.  But why does she feel she needs to talk to me about something that's bothering her (I'm assuming about me)?  And I'm to ease her mind?  I don't think so.

I agree about ignoring!

I was just thinking yesterday about two people who used to be close to me whom I gave the cut direct. They were always condescending to me and bullying me. And so I gave them the cut direct. And instead of wondering what they did wrong and asking, they got indignant and said that I *owed* them explanations. And sometimes I feel guilty that they might be sad. But they never cared about my feelings. Why should I care about the feelings of people who don't care about mine? I didn't cut them off to be mean. It was in reaction to how they treated me. You don't owe her to ease her mind! Good for you for remembering that!

[fnygrl]

And instead of wondering what they did wrong and asking, they got indignant and said that I *owed* them explanations. And sometimes I feel guilty that they might be sad. But they never cared about my feelings. Why should I care about the feelings of people who don't care about mine? I didn't cut them off to be mean. It was in reaction to how they treated me. You don't owe her to ease her mind! Good for you for remembering that!

SO TRUE, Danika!  These people could truly care less about our feelings and not think twice about belittling, igrnoring, or being insensitive to us and our feelings, but for some reason they expect us to cater to their whims and needs?
I owe her nothing!  And it's a relief to finally know and understand that!  Thank you!!

[fnygrl]

If I were to give the cut direct to the bully, what is the best way to word it?  I want to "take the high road" and not get into name calling and giving a whole laundry list of grievances.  I basically want to tell her that I no longer wish to be friends with her.  I have no problem being neighborly and give a wave 'hello', but I don't wish to include her in my daily life on any other level. But to do it in such a way that what I say or feel is not to be argued by her.  Am I making sense? 

Additional information:  My neighbor returned the bully's call today.  She said the bully was crying.  My neighbor told her how angry she was that she was questioning our friendship and was caring about our whereabouts.  The bully apologized and said she was very wrong to have done that.  The bully also said that she is devasted that I'm not talking to her and she can't imagine what she has ever done.  The bully was also trying to get information out of the neighbor about the two of us (me and the bully) and my neighbor said that we don't even speak of her (the bully).  According to my neighbor, the bully did not like that and it seemed to disturb her.

[snowdragon]

That's the neat thing about the cut direct. You don't have to word it...you just ignore their existence. Block their phone number, if they approach you, walk way.  If they  speak to you , don't respond They no longer exist in  your world.

[Kaypeep]

This woman sounds unreasonable and slightly deranged. I would not say anything to her if you don't have to because she'll probably twist and and stir up trouble with whatever words you give her.
If you come face to face with her or want a reply for email or text then I'd stay as short and sweet as possible.

"Bully, we are neighbors and I'll always be neighborly.  Borrow a cup of sugar, call the police if I see someone strange by your house, things like that.  I consider you my neighbor but not a close friend. The same holds true for many others on the block.  So please, stop forcing something that isn't there.  I wish you well, but I can't be more than what I already am."

[Danika]

I agree with snowdragon and Kaypeep. Nothing you say to the bully will be taken well. The best thing for your sanity is to just ignore ignore ignore. Block phone numbers. Get a peep hole in your door and make sure you don't answer it if it's her (or other solicitors if you're like me and don't want to waste money or talk to strangers who might be casing your house). Wave if you see her and happen to make eye contact. And just avoid her other than that.

She likes drama and attention, as you now are sure because she was upset that you and lunch neighbor weren't talking about her.

Any info you give bully will be altered and repeated to other people to make herself look better and you look worse. Don't even give her that opportunity. She can still make stuff up, but then at least it won't be based on truth so she won't have any true details to back up any claims. This has been my experience with people like her.

I'd just stay away but not cause anything. And then if you do happen to be at a mutual event and she does say something to you, be very brief with whatever you say and then quickly excuse yourself from the conversation.

[Shoo]

Because this is a neighbor, I think you have to do this differently than you would if she weren't.  You want to stay on civil terms, but not be friends.  You want to be able to say hello and wave if you want to, but not hang out like friends do.

So I think you deflect deflect deflect.  She calls you, or emails, or texts, you respond if you want to with quick, "Gosh, just so busy, don't have time to _____ right now."  Every time.  You don't let her in if she comes to the door, but you don't slam the door in her face either.  You're cordial but not friendly.  If she asks you about your "relationship" you say, "Gosh, I can't imagine what you're talking about," then beandip and then scurry off.

You don't have to give her the cut direct.  It may take some time, and it will definitely take some patience on your part, but she will eventually get the message (I hope!).

This preserves neighborhood harmony, and it also let's you take the high road. You're not creating drama.  You're just going about your business, and you're being nice about it.

That's how I think you should do it.  It might not be as immediately gratifying as just cutting her off, but in the long run, I think you'll feel better about it.

[Kaypeep]

I love Shoo's suggestion.  Play dumb. "Gosh, I don't know what you're talking about!" and then beandip. Perfect!  No JADEing necessary.  No polite soft answers that will be twisted or misconstrued.  Just act like you have no idea what she's talking about, and then say you have to run because you left something in the oven or your MIL is waiting to SKYPE with the kids or whatever.    Perfect!

[rain]

    The bully also said that she is devastated that I'm not talking to her and she can't imagine what she has ever done. 

ROFL - she's devastated  ..... right

[Danika]

    The bully also said that she is devastated that I'm not talking to her and she can't imagine what she has ever done. 

ROFL - she's devastated  ..... right

Yeah, she misses the whipping boy doormat that she used to kick around. Now, she's devastated because she has no one to push around.

[fnygrl]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw humor in her "devastation".

Now she's posting things on her facebook like:  "Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."  And, "We have one life - keep it simple."  Practice what you preach.  Sheesh.

I still haven't responded to her message and am on the fence about continuing to ignore or say how I feel.  I've really appreciated all of the wise input from you all here on e-hell.  I apologize if this thread has been dragged out longer than it should have.  You've all been an invaluable, unbiased sounding board.

Thank you!

[PastryGoddess]

Just keep humming that shiny spine song.

[Roe]

Responding to her would probably make you feel better, at least for a short while.  But if you do, remember that you will have given her fodder to use against you.

Even though silence doesn't give you that instant gratification, IMO, it's still the best way to go. 

Silence gives you the upper hand while responding to your neighbor will give her power and importance.