Unwanted guest invited to gathering

[Redsoil]

Perhaps saying something to the organiser like:

I'm really looking forward to this birthday outing!  However, I'll just let you know *bully* and I are no longer friends - I prefer not to involve others in it, so I won't bore you with details.  It will be lovely to get together with you and *friend 1*, *friend 2* *friend 3* etc though, and I really appreciate you orgaininsing it.

[Morticia]

Given the update, I think you should maybe distance yourself from the organizer as well. Friends don't facilitate friends being bullied.

[Queen of Clubs]

Months ago I had talked to the person now trying to organize this upcoming dinner about how I felt uncomfortable and bullied by this person and that if she was at a particular playdate or girl's night out, I wouldn't be attending and her response was, "I don't want to get in the middle".  Perhaps I wasn't explaining myself properly.

so you already *told* her, that if this person was at an event then you won't be attending and she went and invited her to your *birthday party*?

sorry, i can't wrap my mind around this. there is a difference between "i don't want to get in the middle" and "i don't give a hoot about how you feel".

Yeah, that's how that sounds to me too.

OP, maybe to avoid Bully Neighbour 'accidentally' being invited by Organiser, you should make sure to not invite Organiser either.

[JenJay]

Months ago I had talked to the person now trying to organize this upcoming dinner about how I felt uncomfortable and bullied by this person and that if she was at a particular playdate or girl's night out, I wouldn't be attending and her response was, "I don't want to get in the middle".  Perhaps I wasn't explaining myself properly.

so you already *told* her, that if this person was at an event then you won't be attending and she went and invited her to your *birthday party*?

sorry, i can't wrap my mind around this. there is a difference between "i don't want to get in the middle" and "i don't give a hoot about how you feel".

Exactly. I can appreciate not wanting to choose sides but that isn't what this mutual friend is doing. 

OP, I'd continue to decline invites when you know the neighbor will be there. If you find yourself in a situation where she's sprung on you, I think my Mom's tactic would work. Whenever someone says something rude or hurtful my Mom never causes a scene - she just looks them right in the eye and goes silent, with this look on her face like "Ouch. Really?". She maintains that until things get awkward and someone changes the subject. She doesn't usually need to do it more than once but, if you do, I think you'd be fine standing up and saying "Okay well, unfortunately I'm not enjoying myself anymore, so I think it's time for me to go." Then leave.

[fnygrl]

Whenever someone says something rude or hurtful my Mom never causes a scene - she just looks them right in the eye and goes silent, with this look on her face like "Ouch. Really?". She maintains that until things get awkward and someone changes the subject. She doesn't usually need to do it more than once but, if you do, I think you'd be fine standing up and saying "Okay well, unfortunately I'm not enjoying myself anymore, so I think it's time for me to go." Then leave.

This is FABULOUS!  Sadly, I'm not very good at standing up for myself - which is one of the reasons this bully probably picks on me - she knows I won't say anything.  But I'm going to practice what you said above in the mirror so if and when the time arrises (and, sadly, I'm sure that it will) I will be prepared.  This is a new year (2013 and my birthday) so I want to try and make some changes - I think this is the place to start!

I have yet to write directly to the organizer - I think I'm putting it off because I'm 'nervous' (not the right word, but don't know what other word to use at the moment) about what she'll say.  And I'm still trying to work out exactly how I'll word my message without it being twisted to her thinking I'm putting her in the middle.  I don't know why she would include the bully if I had told her in the past that I was distancing myself from her. 

Thanks again everyone for all of your input and insight!  It has helped me more than you know!

Happy New Year!

[bopper]

Can you call the organizer?  You really need to take stronger steps to get this person out of your life.
You have told the public that those dates don't work so you are in the clear with the bully.
Now call the organizer who clearly wants to do something nice for you and let her know that you don't want bully invited.

[rigs32]

It's possible the organizer forgot your conversation or though the issue was past.  I wouldn't write her off until you have a conversation.

[TootsNYC]

You don't have to tell the organizer anything about the bully neighbor. Just tell the organizer that you think you'll pull something together yourself, but thanks for getting it on people's radar.

And then organize something small.

[fnygrl]

You don't have to tell the organizer anything about the bully neighbor. Just tell the organizer that you think you'll pull something together yourself, but thanks for getting it on people's radar.

And then organize something small.

This is perfect.  Thank you!  I won't have to get into details and my feelings and even better - no one will feel put in the middle!  I will send this to the organizer immediately!

What, if anything, will I/should I say when we're all celebrating together and the bully's not there?  In person, what's the best way to bean dip this topic?

Thanks again everyone for all of your help!!

[MurPl1]

If anyone asks you can just say you opted for a smaller crowd and invited those who were closest to you.  That should make them feel (justifiably) like you wanted their company, plus it also lets them know that you aren't close with the bully without actually saying it.

And I know what you are going thru.  We've had an issue with a neighbor that I started pulling away from due to discomfort.  But due to the way our social events work, I've had to invite him so as not to increase the drama.   Fortunately, others have also become uncomfortable and have pulled away as well, so now my pressure has lightened up.  But it's been a somewhat stressful process.

I will add that it's possible that the organizer is getting conflicting vibes or even misinformation from bully.  That occured with my neighbor.  He is awesome at manipulating the truth to either create conflict or make himself look innocent.  So your bully may be telling organizer, "oh I think it would be great to spend more time with her, we've totally got past our little tiff!"  And hoping no one compares notes.

[TootsNYC]

You don't have to tell the organizer anything about the bully neighbor. Just tell the organizer that you think you'll pull something together yourself, but thanks for getting it on people's radar.

And then organize something small.

This is perfect.  Thank you!  I won't have to get into details and my feelings and even better - no one will feel put in the middle!  I will send this to the organizer immediately!

What, if anything, will I/should I say when we're all celebrating together and the bully's not there?  In person, what's the best way to bean dip this topic?

Thanks again everyone for all of your help!!

"Oh, we're not actually that close anymore."

[Mikayla]

It's possible the organizer forgot your conversation or though the issue was past.  I wouldn't write her off until you have a conversation.

I completely agree with this.  Any time there's a chance for miscommunication (and with people who are non-confronting like the OP, the odds escalate) it needs to be addressed.

I'm not good at this but something like:  "Friend, I truly appreciate your efforts to put together a party for me, but I need to understand something.  We had talked previously about my desire to break ties with Bully, so the fact that she was included really surprised me.  I know I can be vague sometimes, so I need to ask if I made that clear enough?  If she's at an event, I won't be."

This is stronger than what Toots et al are saying, but since you've basically said all the above anyway, I do think you need to figure out why this friend invited someone you're not comfortable with.  If she did it knowing you don't like this person, if it was me, I'd want to know why.

It's more a request for clarification than an accusation.

[fnygrl]

Hello again, e-hellions!

I spoke with the organizer the other day to let her know of the date and time I was now planning for the dinner and making sure that worked with her schedule.  I also mentioned that I would not be including the bully.  She did ask what had happend, and I felt comfortale enough to tell her (remind her) that I'm distancing myself as I don't want to be bullied by her any longer - especially on my birthday.  She said she understood and apologized for having included her in the first place and also said that she thought things were much better.  I didn't ask why she thought that, as it's really not important.  But long story short, the dinner is in place and it will be bully free!  Thank you all so much for your input as it has really helped me to say what I needed to say!

Oddly enough, I just got a personal message on facebook from the bully.  She wrote, "Hey just dropping by to see how you all are doing? I hope you had a very merry Christmas. And Happy New Year....How's things?"

Quite honestly I was shocked that she sent me a message as it came totally out of the blue.  And I truly feel that everything she does has an ulterior motive - though, in this case, I can't imagine what she's up to.

I didn't know what to say and didn't really want to respond, but wrote, "Thanks for checking in. We're all doing well. Glad the holidays are over. Looking forward to a new year!"

I didn't want to ask her about herself or her family, as frankly, I don't care to ask/know.  I don't want some drawn out conversation of being phony and friendly.

Her response was, "I hear ya, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever"

And I left it at that.  Anything that needs to be said to her is not meant to be said over facebook. 

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest, e-hell!  Whew! 

[Danika]

Great update! I'm glad that you'll have your birthday your way.

I find it too coincidental that Bully suddenly contacted you. I wonder if Organizer contacted her or happened to be talking to her about you. I hope not.

In my life, I've been unfortunate enough to be surrounded by many people who have what I think is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And when you try to put some distance between you and them, they won't let go. They start trying to charm you and bring you back into their web. I think you handled her message well by not trying to draw out the discussion.

[fnygrl]

Great update! I'm glad that you'll have your birthday your way.

I find it too coincidental that Bully suddenly contacted you. I wonder if Organizer contacted her or happened to be talking to her about you. I hope not.

In my life, I've been unfortunate enough to be surrounded by many people who have what I think is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And when you try to put some distance between you and them, they won't let go. They start trying to charm you and bring you back into their web. I think you handled her message well by not trying to draw out the discussion.

I don't think that Bully and the Organizer are that close.  They only know one another because I introduced them and they've never been together if I wasn't there.  But who knows!  Anything is possible!

I saw the Bully the other day while I was outside at my car, which was parked on the street.  It seems, since I got the car, that anytime she sees me, she (for whatever reason) feels the need to speak in an affected voice. (Like she will begin to speak with a British accent - we're American.)  She was asking what I was doing (cleaning my car) and why (because it wasn't clean).  It was awkward and uncomfortable (at least for me because I don't care for her, but also because it seemed rather obvious to what I was doing.)  That's about where the "conversation" began and ended.  She soon after left.

Tonight she sends me a text asking me I had time to chat.  I don't have time (and quite frankly I don't want to speak to her anyway) so I answered saying I don't have time as I need to get my kids in bed.  She said, "Ok.  No worries no problems".

Any advice on the best way to handle this situation?  I don't know how to properly word anything to her - especially in person.  If worry if I state how I feel, she'll bully me again and I won't be able to defend myself.