Unwanted guest invited to gathering

[fnygrl]

Hello e-hellions ~

My birthday is next month and a friend had contacted me and a few other friends together in a private message on a social network asking about our getting together to celebrate.  She included someone who I am trying to distance myself from as I feel she is a bully and very unkind to me.  In starting a new year, I'm wanting to no longer have people like that in my life.  How do I go about accepting (or not accepting) this invitation?  I would love to get together with the other people who the message was directed to, just not this one person in particular. 

Thank you for any input.

[kherbert05]

If this is just your birthday - contact the organizer and tell her you are cutting contact with the other person so it would be inappropriate to invite that person to your party.


If this is a lets celebrate with all Jan birthdays - then just decline.

[NyaChan]

It seems as if this person has already been invited though - am I reading that correctly?  While you don't have concrete plans of what you wish to do, the bully has been included in the group of people who will attend.  I don't think you can gracefully ask that she be uninvited without risking some backlash.  It may be worth it in order to have a bully-free birthday, but that's a cost-benefit analysis you'll have to make before acting.  If the birthday event message was sufficiently vague on the details, you might also be able to "undo" the invitation by making limited plans and just saying that you wanted a quiet birthday.  This is why I appreciate it when people check-in with the guest of honor about the guest list before notifying people.

[fnygrl]

The organizer is thougtfully planning this for my birthday - not for a group.  And yes, the person I would prefer not be there has already been invited.  I'm thinking that maybe I'll just say that I now have plans on the two possible dates that were mentioned for the get together and then perhaps tell the organizer separately why I had to "cancel".  This person is also (unfortunately) my neighbor, so I can't risk backlash due to our having to see one another on a somewhat daily basis.  Very awkward.

Thank you both for your input!  I really do appreciate it.  It helps me to work things out outside of my own head! 

[JenJay]

That's what I'd do. I'd reply to everyone with something like "Darn, sorry but I can't make that night. Friend, I'm not sure what my schedule looks like for the next few weeks so you all should go ahead without me." Then contact her privately and explain the situation. If the cut-off friend pesters her to reschedule she'll have to come up with a reason why a group outing won't work.

[doodlemor]

I'm thinking that maybe I'll just say that I now have plans on the two possible dates that were mentioned for the get together and then perhaps tell the organizer separately why I had to "cancel."   

This will work.  It's too bad that your friend invited everyone before checking with you.

Having this person as a neighbor complicates things as far as setting another date. As far as your birthday is concerned, maybe you can get together with just your one friend, and see the others on another occasion.

[TootsNYC]

This is why I appreciate it when people check-in with the guest of honor about the guest list before notifying people.

Yeah!

I agree---I think the low-drama way to deal with this is to decline this gathering specifically. And then contact the organizer independently and say, "Listen, I would like to get together with a few people, but a smaller group. It would have been best if you'd contacted me privately before starting to make plans, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings if I just want to have a smaller gathering. So anyway, maybe only a few people, and this place? Are you available?"

If you can trust this friend at all, you can be more honest, but be really careful.

[Slartibartfast]

I think if you want to cut this person out of your social life, you're going to actually have to acknowledge it in situations like this.  Contact the organizer privately: "I appreciate that you're doing this for my birthday, but SoAndSo and I really don't get along and I'm trying to avoid being around her.  Could we get together some other time?  I really would love to see you!"

[MizA]

I was recently in a similar situation, complicated by the fact that I was visiting from out of town. A young lady with whom I would like nothing to do- ever- for reasons that our peer group was not privy to was invited by the person organizing. When I saw her on the invite list, I immediately called the organizer and explained the situation as best as possible. He was kind enough to speak to her, and she did not attend.

If the gathering was to be large, or in a public forum, I would not have said anything. But since it was intimate and private, I felt the friction likely would have unbearable, and would have made the other guests incredibly uncomfortable. When I spoke to the host, I suggested moving it to a public space, but he made the decision to speak to her. Sometimes being human is so awkward and uncomfortable.

[onyonryngs]

I think if you want to cut this person out of your social life, you're going to actually have to acknowledge it in situations like this.  Contact the organizer privately: "I appreciate that you're doing this for my birthday, but SoAndSo and I really don't get along and I'm trying to avoid being around her.  Could we get together some other time?  I really would love to see you!"

This - I would speak with the organizer privately before responding to the invite on FB/evite.

[fnygrl]

Thank you all again for your input!

I just responded to the original "invite" message to everyone saying that neither nights mentioned would work for me because my husband will most likely work (which is true).

I'm going to now write a separate message to the organizer saying something including parts of the responses here.  My concern is that something like this has (unforunately) happened in the past with the same group of people.  I have been unsuccessfully trying to break away from this friend/neighbor for some time, but I keep trying to keep the peace, so to speak, swallow my pride, and continue socializing with her.  Only to be knocked down and called names or some other childish form of bullying by her. 

About a year or so, I had introduced my neighbor ("the bully" - though she wasn't a bully at the time) to these particular friends of mine and included her in our playgroup.  I thought I was being neighborly and nice.  Then, things got ugly.  I don't know why or what changed, but the neighbor started picking on me.  She would say hurtful things and seemingly try to put me down to make herself feel better.  (Back in September I posted here about a neighbor making nasty comments to me about a new-to-me car.  That was her.)  Months ago I had talked to the person now trying to organize this upcoming dinner about how I felt uncomfortable and bullied by this person and that if she was at a particular playdate or girl's night out, I wouldn't be attending and her response was, "I don't want to get in the middle".  Perhaps I wasn't explaining myself properly.  I didn't want her or anyone else to get in or feel in the middle.  They can socialize with her all they want.  And if I, too, am invited and she's there, I just won't attend.  No hard feelings - I just don't want to put myself in a situation where I feel uncomfortable by her.  What can I say now and/or how can I possibly avoid this happening again?  I don't want anyone to feel "in the middle". 

I apologize if I'm rambling or if this post doesn't make sense.  I think my thoughts are all jumbled and confused by it all.  If only the organizer had asked me about the "guest list" before sending the invite, this wouldn't be happening.

Thanks again!

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

Hmmm, given you have already mentioned not wanting to be around this woman, it gives me 'Intervention' vibes.


All you can really do is repeat. You are NOT in the middle. I will not participate in events she is at. [/font]

I'm sure someone else here can say it better.

[TootsNYC]

Actually, if the organizer had paid any damned attention to what you said earlier, this wouldn't be happening!

I wouldn't count on her being at all sympathetic or helpful.

I think I'd say to the organizer, "I'm going to organize the get-together, if you don't mind. Then I can make sure it will work out for me."

Then when you decide what to do, you invite each person *individually* and *directly* (no group of mass emails!! In fact, don't email at all). And when you invite them, you say to each person, "I'm putting together a small group to help me celebrate my birthday. I'd like you to join me. The group is smaller than normal, so please don't mention much about it around the neighborhood, etc., because I don't want to make people feel bad if I didn't include them. And please don't invite someone on your own, because I'm keeping it small."

If this particular friend, the Organizer, brings up Bully Neighbor, just act really surprised, and say, "I thought I'd told you, I was simply going to drift away from her. She doesn't seem to actually like me that much, so why would I want to spend my birthday celebration with her? Please respect my wishes."

[Danika]

Actually, if the organizer had paid any damned attention to what you said earlier, this wouldn't be happening!

I wouldn't count on her being at all sympathetic or helpful.

I think I'd say to the organizer, "I'm going to organize the get-together, if you don't mind. Then I can make sure it will work out for me."

Then when you decide what to do, you invite each person *individually* and *directly* (no group of mass emails!! In fact, don't email at all). And when you invite them, you say to each person, "I'm putting together a small group to help me celebrate my birthday. I'd like you to join me. The group is smaller than normal, so please don't mention much about it around the neighborhood, etc., because I don't want to make people feel bad if I didn't include them. And please don't invite someone on your own, because I'm keeping it small."

If this particular friend, the Organizer, brings up Bully Neighbor, just act really surprised, and say, "I thought I'd told you, I was simply going to drift away from her. She doesn't seem to actually like me that much, so why would I want to spend my birthday celebration with her? Please respect my wishes."

POD

I vote for this. I don't think the organizer is on your side. She's putting herself in the middle by continuing to include Bully.

[cicero]

Months ago I had talked to the person now trying to organize this upcoming dinner about how I felt uncomfortable and bullied by this person and that if she was at a particular playdate or girl's night out, I wouldn't be attending and her response was, "I don't want to get in the middle".  Perhaps I wasn't explaining myself properly.

so you already *told* her, that if this person was at an event then you won't be attending and she went and invited her to your *birthday party*?

sorry, i can't wrap my mind around this. there is a difference between "i don't want to get in the middle" and "i don't give a hoot about how you feel".