Unwanted guest invited to gathering

[Slartibartfast]

You have no obligation to tell her why you're mad, if you're mad, how your day went, or even whether you got her texts.  She's not going to change, so why invest your emotional effort into trying?  Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Surianne]

Hmm...I'm not really sure why you think those texts are bullying.  But since they clearly stress you out,  why not just block her number? 

[LifeOnPluto]

Personally, I'd just delete the texts and not bother responding.

[Danika]

I'm dealing with something similar but with a long time "friend." I'd known her since childhood and she always got in little digs and insults and then would laugh and say "I'm just teasing." But I don't do that to her. And none of her other friends do either. If she thought they were so funny, wouldn't she surround herself with people who did that too?

I finally gave her the cut direct. And it's a big deal because we'd been close friends for years. And she sent me a similar email wondering why I was mad at her. She had been rather nice at some point and in the past few years she was really mean. And yet she doesn't know? I find that hard to believe. But I don't know.

I'm like you, OP. I would be hurt if someone were avoiding me, but I'd take the hint. I wouldn't chase them down and beat them over the head to find out what happened.

Ultimately, you just want her to leave you alone, right? You don't owe her to teach her that she's aggressive or gossipy. Definitely don't invest a lot of time in a reply, no matter what you do. Either completely delete all her texts (in fact, see if you can block them before your receive them) and ignore, ignore. Or write a short, terse reply like "I used to be friendly and neighborly. But you talk rudely behind my back and you do it to others, too. You're a bully and pushy. I don't care to spend a lot of time with you. I wish you well. Please, stop contacting me" and then ignore, ignore.

[sammycat]

I would ignore the texts.

I'm iffy on whether to delete them.  I may be ovethinking this, but who knows, they may come in useful as evidence of something one day. If you've got an 'archive' function on your phone I'd save them there, otherwise, just delete.

[Shoo]

Well, the way I see it, you can do one of two things.  Ignore her messages, and be stressed out every time you see her from now on, or...   text her back.  Just tell her the truth.  "In the past year, you have been really mean to me.  You've said unkind things, and you've treated me really badly. I have decided to surround myself with people who make me feel good.  You don't.  I don't know why you started treating me this way, but I'm done putting up with it.  So please don't contact me anymore."

[doodlemor]

As always - thank you all for your great responses.  You're really helping me to change how I handle things - even if it's just in my head. But I apparently still need a lot of work.

I haven't seen or heard from the bully in quite some time - except for tonight.  My husband, son, and I just came upstairs after playing a board game and I find three texts on my phone (which was left upstairs)  All three are from the bully.  She sent one message saying, "Hey do you have a minute?"  Twenty minutes later, she sends two more texts saying, "I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I did wrong?  I have a feeling you are mad at me for some reason....I hope you aren't.  I don't think I've done anything wrong.  If I did I would love to know what I did.  Give me a call when you get some time."

Yikes.  I don't even know what to say at this point in time - except that my anxiety level is through the roof.  Here is someone who is mean and nasty to me, talks badly about me to other neighbors and it gets back to me, and the list goes on - and now she's even sending bullying texts.  I have no idea what to do or say.  I know some have suggested to ignore texts, others have not.  Even if I did respond - I wouldn't know what to say.  I just want her to leave me alone.  If someone who I thought was my acquaintance/neighbor stopped talking to me, I'd probably wonder why - but would never confront them on it.  Especially in a text.
My husband, son, and I were outside earlier this evening talking to another neighbor, and the bully came home.  She's two houses away.  She didn't say anything to me, and I didn't say anything to her - I didn't even look in her direction.  (Who knows if she looked in mine)  Is that what sparked these texts?  This is ridiculous and I feel like I'm in eighth grade.  So childish.

Please- if any one could offer adivce, I would appreciate it.  I have no idea what to do.

PS - We technically haven't seen or talked to one another since September or so, so I don't know where this is all coming from on her end.  My head is reeling right now.  I hate that I give her this control over my head.  Ugh.

I think that she wants to be the alpha dog and control you.  Don't give her the control. 

Do as Toots suggested.  Don't answer her.  If she accosts you someplace just keep telling her that you have been busy.  You will need to practice this at home, perhaps in front of a mirror, so that you don't get rattled.  Stay calm and indifferent.  Don't get emotional - that would make her happy.

[sammycat]

I think that she wants to be the alpha dog and control you.  Don't give her the control. 

Very likely.  It's very "coincidental" that after not having spoken since September, at the first sign of you exerting some control over a situation (ie. the birthday party), she suddenly ramps all the attempts at communication/control. 

[fnygrl]

Well, the way I see it, you can do one of two things.  Ignore her messages, and be stressed out every time you see her from now on, or...   text her back.  Just tell her the truth.  "In the past year, you have been really mean to me.  You've said unkind things, and you've treated me really badly. I have decided to surround myself with people who make me feel good.  You don't.  I don't know why you started treating me this way, but I'm done putting up with it.  So please don't contact me anymore."

Again thank you all!  I wish I could say something like the above quote to her - because I would hope that it would once and for all end things.  But quite frankly, I'm scared to.  We live two homes away from one another.  I would see her quite often.  I don't know what she's capable of, but I imagine backlash and nasty words.  Clearly I'm weak and a fool because I allow her to make me feel this way.  Forget how she is and behaves - this is about me.  I know that.  My entire life I was never armed with a way to defend myself with words.  Bullies would bully me for a reason - because I let them.  And if they questioned why I was distancing myself from them, I would usually apologize (can you imagine?!?) just to move on from the uncomfortable feelings at that point in time, (and I guess that they'd think better of me) though I'd still be left feeling picked on and like garbage.

Crazy thing is, everything she said in her texts tonight - I could say to her.  I haven't heard from her.  I haven't seen her.  She hasn't been in touch with me.  Neither of us sent one another Christmas cards or included one another in holiday gatherings.  But why does SHE feel it's necessary to send me a text? 

I appreciate you all listening to these crazy thoughts both in and outside of my head.  I realize that e-hell might not be the place for this converation as it's probably gone beyond etiquette - but at this point in time, I don't know where else to turn other than objective strangers.  Thank you so much.

[Shoo]

How about something like, "I'm just so busy.  You know how it is.  Take care."

[Rusty]

I would take a bet that the birthday party has a lot to do with her sudden interest in you.  Someone has said something to her about you. She could have contacted the organizer and found out you are now re-arranging, she hasn't heard from you with the new plans, and has now decided to pester you because she suspects (rightly) that she will not be included.   I think most people at some time have had to deal with a person like this, ignore, ignore, ignore.  They can't stand it.  Don't reply to any texts but if you see her just wave and keep on going.  She won't give up easily and if she does confront you I think in your position (because of your anxiety about it), I would just say, "look I'm sorry but I don't really think we have much in common."  Hard I know but it doesn't tell her she is a horrible person, just that you are not interested.

[fnygrl]

I would take a bet that the birthday party has a lot to do with her sudden interest in you.  Someone has said something to her about you. She could have contacted the organizer and found out you are now re-arranging, she hasn't heard from you with the new plans, and has now decided to pester you because she suspects (rightly) that she will not be included.   I think most people at some time have had to deal with a person like this, ignore, ignore, ignore.  They can't stand it.  Don't reply to any texts but if you see her just wave and keep on going.  She won't give up easily and if she does confront you I think in your position (because of your anxiety about it), I would just say, "look I'm sorry but I don't really think we have much in common."  Hard I know but it doesn't tell her she is a horrible person, just that you are not interested.

I'm sure you're right about it being the party that sparked this.  There are only a few people involved in that birthday dinner that my friend was trying to arrange.  And I introduced the bully to all the of them.  Not to mean that any of them would choose sides or anything like that - but I know that they're not like the bully and not gossipy.  I have never heard one of them speak a bad word about anyone, friend or not.  It's possible the bully sent the organizer a message about the party - but on one hand, I would think the bully might have messaged me directly, or on the other hand, the organizer would have just said she didn't know about plans. 

I do think it's interesting that she, who seems to have no problem ever saying anything to anyone, didn't approach me while we were outside earlier today.  She inserts herself into situations, so I can't imagine why she didn't get out of her car and come over to join in on our conversation with the other neighbor, or say, "hey fnygrl - do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you."  Why wait until hours later to send a text asking to talk (I imagine she meant on the phone) and then to send additional texts twenty minutes later because I didn't respond in "a timely fashion".

[Rusty]

I would say that she knows exactly why you are avoiding her and because everyone else knows that she will not be included she is treading carefully, ie, I mean where she would normally personally confront you, she has decided to try and clear it up without a personal confrontation. She probably knows you well enough to realise you wouldn't handle it well and the only reason she is being careful is because if she upsets you too much everyone else might find out about it and she looks like "the bad guy"

[doodlemor]

Why wait until hours later to send a text asking to talk (I imagine she meant on the phone) and then to send additional texts twenty minutes later because I didn't respond in "a timely fashion".

Perhaps she needed some liquid courage.

[fnygrl]

I would say that she knows exactly why you are avoiding her and because everyone else knows that she will not be included she is treading carefully, ie, I mean where she would normally personally confront you, she has decided to try and clear it up without a personal confrontation. She probably knows you well enough to realise you wouldn't handle it well and the only reason she is being careful is because if she upsets you too much everyone else might find out about it and she looks like "the bad guy"

Very interesting points, Rusty!  That makes total sense.  I think, too, she didn't say anything because my husband was with me.  She seems to go for me when I'm alone.  Thank you so much for your input.  I need to get a handle on all of this and everyone here is such a big help!