Unwanted guest invited to gathering

[fnygrl]

Why wait until hours later to send a text asking to talk (I imagine she meant on the phone) and then to send additional texts twenty minutes later because I didn't respond in "a timely fashion".

Perhaps she needed some liquid courage.

Ha!    One might think that, but in her case, she doesn't drink!  (Though maybe she did tonight?!)

[Danika]

I would say that she knows exactly why you are avoiding her and because everyone else knows that she will not be included she is treading carefully, ie, I mean where she would normally personally confront you, she has decided to try and clear it up without a personal confrontation. She probably knows you well enough to realise you wouldn't handle it well and the only reason she is being careful is because if she upsets you too much everyone else might find out about it and she looks like "the bad guy"

To me, this is the crux of the issue. Does UnwantedGuest know she's a bully and why people avoid her? I tend to agree with Rusty, but I'm not 100% sure. What do others think?

If UnwantedGuest knows she's a bully and this is another tactic to reel OP back in and play mind games with OP again and again, then OP's best bet is to ignore. Ignore the narcissist. That is the thing that angers them most. And why waste your time and energy giving her the pleasure and reward of knowing that she got to you? If her goal was to be mean and hurt you in the past, you're telling her she succeeded.

However, she could just be a very brash person who is not good at seeing the world through the eyes of others. She certainly wouldn't be friends with someone like herself, but does she have the ability to see herself from a distance? Not that it's OP's responsibility to educate her. And even if OP had the perfect phrase which was entirely true, UnwantedGuest likely still wouldn't get it and take it to heart, learn from it and change.

But I think if we're all pretty certain UnwantedGuest knows what she did wrong, then the answer is to pretend you're a blackhole and ignore. If UnwantedGuest is dense, should anything be said back other than "leave me alone"?

And, fnygirl, if you do reply via text or email, make sure it's something you're ok with UnwantedGuest forwarding and showing to all of your friends and her friends. Because she's going to use it to make herself look like the wounded party.

[snowdragon]

Block her phone number, and block her on FB ( and email if you email) and when you see her out side you are "In a rush, gotta go, bye!" eventually she'll get it. 

[Roe]

I think you are smart to give the bully the cut direct.  Still, I'm curious as to why you think her texts were bully texts?  To me, it read as if she was just trying to figure out why you aren't speaking to her.  Granted, she probably already knows why but I still don't see her texts as bully behavior. 

At any rate, keeping your distance and ignoring (at least for now) is probably best. 

[fnygrl]

I would say that she knows exactly why you are avoiding her and because everyone else knows that she will not be included she is treading carefully, ie, I mean where she would normally personally confront you, she has decided to try and clear it up without a personal confrontation. She probably knows you well enough to realise you wouldn't handle it well and the only reason she is being careful is because if she upsets you too much everyone else might find out about it and she looks like "the bad guy"

To me, this is the crux of the issue. Does UnwantedGuest know she's a bully and why people avoid her? I tend to agree with Rusty, but I'm not 100% sure. What do others think?

If UnwantedGuest knows she's a bully and this is another tactic to reel OP back in and play mind games with OP again and again, then OP's best bet is to ignore. Ignore the narcissist. That is the thing that angers them most. And why waste your time and energy giving her the pleasure and reward of knowing that she got to you? If her goal was to be mean and hurt you in the past, you're telling her she succeeded.

However, she could just be a very brash person who is not good at seeing the world through the eyes of others. She certainly wouldn't be friends with someone like herself, but does she have the ability to see herself from a distance? Not that it's OP's responsibility to educate her. And even if OP had the perfect phrase which was entirely true, UnwantedGuest likely still wouldn't get it and take it to heart, learn from it and change.

But I think if we're all pretty certain UnwantedGuest knows what she did wrong, then the answer is to pretend you're a blackhole and ignore. If UnwantedGuest is dense, should anything be said back other than "leave me alone"?

And, fnygirl, if you do reply via text or email, make sure it's something you're ok with UnwantedGuest forwarding and showing to all of your friends and her friends. Because she's going to use it to make herself look like the wounded party.

I do agree one hundred percent that no matter what I say (even though it's not my responsibility to educate her) she wouldn't take it to heart.  To me, she's clearly not looking back and thinking, "Hmmmmm...what could I have done to cause this?"  And if I did tell her how I felt, I'm certain she would try to make me feel awful about it and tell me that I was wrong.  She one day tried to almost argue with me that she was the better neighbor.  Do you believe that?  She was in my face like a five year old singing, "I'm the better neighbor!  I'm the better neighbor".  It was like we were on a playground.  I sadly said nothing at the time, though I wanted to say, "I didn't realize it was a competition".  I just go into freeze mode.

I'm certainly not going to respond to her texts - for all of the reasons mentioned above in your responses.  I really want this to be a new year for me.  No longer to be a people pleasing doormat!

[fnygrl]

I think you are smart to give the bully the cut direct.  Still, I'm curious as to why you think her texts were bully texts?  To me, it read as if she was just trying to figure out why you aren't speaking to her.  Granted, she probably already knows why but I still don't see her texts as bully behavior. 

At any rate, keeping your distance and ignoring (at least for now) is probably best.

I guess the best way I can explain why I felt that way is because we have basically not seen or talked to one another (interacted the way we have in the past) in many months.  Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went and we didn't speak or exchange gifts, cards, or pleasantries.

She sent a text the other day asking if I had time to talk.  I responded that I didn't and asked what was up and she said, "No problems no worries".  Then today, to me out of the blue, she sends yet another text asking if I could talk.  Twenty minutes went by and she sent her additional messages asking the additional questions. Because I know her and how she speaks to me and makes me feel, I feel that those texts and the tone of them (to me) where her bullying me.  Trying to back me into a corner where I HAD to answer.  As mentioned in an ealier post, her texts feel like an invision to me.  They come unexpected and unexplained. 

I realize that might not make total sense to everyone, but that's basically why I felt the texts were bullying (or that I was bullied by her texts).

[Rusty]

So she's the better neighbour eh?   Well she sounds like a 5yo.  She is jealous of you for some reason, do you have any idea why?
Anyway, no more texting back to her, it just gives her another reason to keep pestering you. 
If I am right you are not the first person she has targetted in her life, generally there is a pattern with these types and they know when they have overstepped the mark.

[fnygrl]

So she's the better neighbour eh?   Well she sounds like a 5yo.  She is jealous of you for some reason, do you have any idea why?
Anyway, no more texting back to her, it just gives her another reason to keep pestering you. 
If I am right you are not the first person she has targetted in her life, generally there is a pattern with these types and they know when they have overstepped the mark.

I can't say for sure what her reasons are for being jealous of me, if that is indeed how she feels.  I've seen her behavior change in situations when she's not the center of attention, she'll be sure to make herself who everyone is looking at and listening to.  She can be very loud and brash and that usually puts people off - but she seems to continue to do it anyway.  If she can't say, "LOOK AT ME" about herself directly, she'll say, "LOOK AT ME because I'm friends with the person everyone's looking at!"  I don't know what one or the other has to do with me, just pointing out some of her traits.

She has seemed to have some problem with me (more so than in the past) since September.  I got a new-to-me car and she immediately approached us when we pulled out to our home from the dealership.  She made comments about our thinking we were too good for the street and "you think you're so fancy"-type comments.  Our other neighbor (who is the same bird who flocks together with the bully) told me that the bully couldn't stop talking about me and my car and that she (the other neighbor) thinks the bully is jealous of me.

We live on the East Coast and like millions, lived through the hurricane and thankfully suffered very little to no property damage.  During the hurricane (and six days afterward) I had an acquantaince (an older woman that we know) stay with us because she was scared to be alone during that time.  So my husband and I opened our home to her to stay with us and feel safe (or as safe as one could feel during a hurricane).  My neighbor (the "other" neighbor) has a full house generator and basically opened her home to the whole block if people wanted to come in, get warm, use the internet, whatever!  It was very generous of her.  The day the bully was telling me she was the better neighbor, she also called me a sucker and told me I had sucker written all over my farhead because I opened my house to someone, but that the "other neighbor" was an angel for opening her home to the block.  Don't ask me.  It didn't and still doesn't make sense - but that's what she said.  Apparently whatever I do needs to be shot down and belittled and others are held up high.

[sammycat]

I knew/know a woman like this, and eventually I gave her the cut direct.  The actions of these sorts of people stem from jealousy and insecurity.  IMO,  the best thing you can do is ignore her texts etc.  If you simply must acknowledge her when in public, be icy polite, but really, the best thing is to ignore her altogether if you can.

Best of luck!

[Redsoil]

If you do happen to be confronted by the bully (given that you've said you're somewhat timid), perhaps some ready-made lines to use might help?

If she asks why you don't talk to her anymore, or other questions:  "Oh, things change."  "You know how it is when people get busy."  "Actually, I don't have time to talk - things are just so busy."  "Life's like that - people do tend to drift apart."  "I'm concentrating on other activities these days."  "I've been renewing other interests." 

Or, if you want to shine up the spine a bit, and hopefully have her leave you alone:  "You know, I looked at how I interact with others and decided to make changes.  It's been a really positive move for me.  Anyhow, hope things are well with you, gotta go now."

Good luck.

[fnygrl]

Or, if you want to shine up the spine a bit, and hopefully have her leave you alone:  "You know, I looked at how I interact with others and decided to make changes.  It's been a really positive move for me.  Anyhow, hope things are well with you, gotta go now."

Thank you for your advice.  I really like what you said about as it's more about me than pointing fingers at her.  People can't (or at least shouldn't) argue your feelings.  Do you think this is something I can use in response to last night's texts?

Thanks again!

[PastryGoddess]

You should ignore last nights text messages.  Only deploy when you meet her face to face

[fnygrl]

You should ignore last nights text messages.  Only deploy when you meet her face to face

OK    Thank you for the advice!

[Roe]

I think you are smart to give the bully the cut direct.  Still, I'm curious as to why you think her texts were bully texts?  To me, it read as if she was just trying to figure out why you aren't speaking to her.  Granted, she probably already knows why but I still don't see her texts as bully behavior. 

At any rate, keeping your distance and ignoring (at least for now) is probably best.

I guess the best way I can explain why I felt that way is because we have basically not seen or talked to one another (interacted the way we have in the past) in many months.  Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went and we didn't speak or exchange gifts, cards, or pleasantries.

She sent a text the other day asking if I had time to talk.  I responded that I didn't and asked what was up and she said, "No problems no worries".  Then today, to me out of the blue, she sends yet another text asking if I could talk.  Twenty minutes went by and she sent her additional messages asking the additional questions. Because I know her and how she speaks to me and makes me feel, I feel that those texts and the tone of them (to me) where her bullying me.  Trying to back me into a corner where I HAD to answer.  As mentioned in an ealier post, her texts feel like an invision to me.  They come unexpected and unexplained. 

I realize that might not make total sense to everyone, but that's basically why I felt the texts were bullying (or that I was bullied by her texts).

No, it does make sense. 

Since you can sense the tone in the text, just continue to ignore.  It's also easy to say, if ever called out, to say "I've just been so busy."  This way you can keep the peace since she's your neighbor but you don't have to deal with her. 

Good luck!

[anonymousmac]

Some posters have suggested telling her what's wrong or not to speak to you again. 

But I recommend not actually confronting her in any way, even to tell her to leave you alone, because she sounds like someone who would seize any hint of confrontation and escalate the drama to miserable levels.  "-Why- do you hate me?  What have I ever done to you?  What's wrong with you that you would ever say such a thing?  I'm the best neighbor ever!  I demand that you answer me!"  Especially because you are neighbors and will have to continue to see each other to some extent. 

I think your instincts about avoiding confrontation with her are correct; she could really make your life miserable if you allow her to make it into the actual fight she seems to want.

In your situation, I would just become like Teflon.  I might not even ignore her completely, but I would only respond every once in a while, very briefly and vaguely, in order to give her nothing she can seize on to cause drama with.  To the three texts she sent, I might wait a few days and then respond "No worries, my phone was charging." or something.  Don't respond to her demands, and don't give her any justification for continuing to demand answers from you.  Just slide free with vague responses about being busy, everything's fine, see you later.

She definitely sounds like a bully, and I hope that you can continue to wiggle out of her grasp until she gets bored and moves on to something else!  Good luck!