Author Topic: Unwanted guest invited to gathering  (Read 21893 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Roe

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6453
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #90 on: January 15, 2013, 03:13:21 PM »
Way to go!  It feels good to finally feel like you are getting your life back, doesn't it?  :)   

Just keep in mind that if you add "didn't see this right away" you are giving her the impression that you will (or you should) respond to her right away.  So maybe omit anything like that next time. 




fnygrl

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 116
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #91 on: January 15, 2013, 03:33:03 PM »
Way to go!  It feels good to finally feel like you are getting your life back, doesn't it?  :)   

Just keep in mind that if you add "didn't see this right away" you are giving her the impression that you will (or you should) respond to her right away.  So maybe omit anything like that next time.

You're right.  I hadn't thought about that my saying that would be giving her that impression.  I'll remember that for next time (as I'm sure there will be a next time - but at least I know how to better handle it as I've been armed with the great words of e-hellions!) 

Though it was a baby step, I do feel better about that given situation and hope that, going forward, I'll learn to handle things differently and better for myself.  I truly want this to be a better year for me!

Thanks again!

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30599
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #92 on: January 15, 2013, 03:38:18 PM »
So I replied to her text saying, " Didn't see this right away. Been pretty busy lately.  Hope things are well with you!". (Basically copying and pasting what some have suggested) :)


And now, just copy and paste those phrases any time you run into her.

Danika

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1940
  • I'm not speeding. I'm qualifying.
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #93 on: January 15, 2013, 03:45:36 PM »
I obviously give this person power over my head and my feelings.  I could delve back into my past (which believe me - I have done on more than one occasion) to explain why I am the way I am.  Child of an alchoholic parent, another parent who wasn't there for my sibling and me to cope with that, that somewhat absent parent constantly telling me that my feelings were wrong and/or not important so I learned to keep things to myself, the list goes on.  I don't like to rock the boat, I don't like confrontation, and unfortunately, I want people to like me - even if I don't like them. 

This explains why we you sound a lot like me in your posts. My parents were narcissists instead of alcoholics, but in all of my self-help reading, I've read that the behavior is very similar.

Also, if you ever want to text her that you're busy and you haven't left the house all day, don't let that stop you. She has to run to the restroom at some point. She can't watch your house 24/7 unless she has a video camera running. Maybe you left when she wasn't looking. If your car is still there, maybe a friend came and picked you up. Maybe you're putting together a 5000 piece puzzle on your dining room table. It's not her business what "busy" means.

VorFemme

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12929
  • Strolls with scissors! Too tired to run today!
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #94 on: January 15, 2013, 05:18:12 PM »
You wouldn't be telling any lies if you said something about "we've been sick lately - gotta run!"  Whether you are running to get more meds, see a doctor, or celebrate finally getting well is none of her business.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Rusty

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 161
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #95 on: January 15, 2013, 05:42:52 PM »
I'd only reply to her in the briefest terms possible, ie, "Yes, very busy, sorry must run."  It will drive her mad.  Sounds like you are feeling better about it all, keep up the good work.  My best friend had a problem with a woman from her son's football club, very similar, she used to park in her street and wait till she came home and then ring her and berate her about weird things. My friend was terrified of her, the woman even got her husband to ring my friend's husband at work and tell him to "get the girls together to sort it out".  Finally my friend developed a spine and just told her to "just leave me and my family alone".  It took a while but she finally gave up.  Its difficult for you because she lives near you but she knows she's upset you so it will be easier now to keep on avoiding her, just don't reply in any way to the "are you upset with me" texts. Just ignore those.

LEMon

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1599
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #96 on: January 15, 2013, 08:18:28 PM »
My thought about her comments about you being mad at her - no, you are not mad at her since you are working hard on the "I don't care" stage.  I'm very fine with her believing you aren't mad at her since perhaps that will allow you to disappear from her radar.

Though I suspect that if she does still have your birthday on her mind, she may contact you a few more times.  Keep up with the bland nothings in reply.

TootsNYC

  • A Pillar of the Forum
  • *****
  • Posts: 30599
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #97 on: January 15, 2013, 09:42:36 PM »
Here's another phrase you should keep available to trot out to any third parties who enquire:
"Oh, we're just not that close."  (Or maybe "not that close anymore," if it seems that people think you used to be such buddies)

And, "We don't see each other much."

It doesn't mean you're mad at her or dislike her--just that you're not anything other than acquaintances.

Danika

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1940
  • I'm not speeding. I'm qualifying.
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #98 on: January 15, 2013, 10:10:12 PM »
Here's another phrase you should keep available to trot out to any third parties who enquire:
"Oh, we're just not that close."  (Or maybe "not that close anymore," if it seems that people think you used to be such buddies)

And, "We don't see each other much."

It doesn't mean you're mad at her or dislike her--just that you're not anything other than acquaintances.

I like the first one. And then if people seem shocked, cuz they thought you used to be best buds and UnwantedGuest seems to know so much about you and they say "Oh, but you used to be such good friends" act shocked and say "No. I don't know what gave you that impression. We're just neighbors." In my experience, people like her like to tell everyone that they're so close to others and they are authorities on their lives. They like to seem in the know and like they know a ton of secrets about you. You don't want others believing that you and her are/were so close because then they'll believe the other false information she says about you. Even if it's as innocuous as "fnygirl's favorite color is fuschia. She even plants flowers that color in her garden" based on the fact that you happen to have one weed in your front yard that color.

fnygrl

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 116
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #99 on: January 16, 2013, 11:24:12 AM »
Thank you all so much for your suggestions!  I'm putting them all in my memory bank and will (hopefully) be able to bring them up in a time of need, as I'm sure that time will one day arise.  As long as I keep the bully at a distance, I'm comfortable.  I'll give a wave if I see her when I'm going to my car, but I'm no longer going to share time and space with her.  And if she sends a message/text - I now know what I need to say!

THANK YOU, e-hellions!!  Thank you!  :)

Kaypeep

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2292
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #100 on: January 16, 2013, 12:03:53 PM »
This woman is a drama llama.  Don't feed the drama llama.  The more you ignore her or give her just tidbits, she will hopefully starve and go feed her drama llama on someone else.  Once she realizes she can't get a rise out of you anymore, she will move on.  As the PP's pointed out, you have to stop caring what she thinks.  She seems to know you care and so she goads you.  Once she sees you don't care anymore she'll probably let up.

fnygrl

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 116
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #101 on: January 16, 2013, 12:38:57 PM »
This woman is a drama llama.  Don't feed the drama llama.  The more you ignore her or give her just tidbits, she will hopefully starve and go feed her drama llama on someone else.  Once she realizes she can't get a rise out of you anymore, she will move on.  As the PP's pointed out, you have to stop caring what she thinks.  She seems to know you care and so she goads you.  Once she sees you don't care anymore she'll probably let up.

"Drama llama"!  I love it!  Never heard that term before!  And yes, I DEFINITELY need to stop caring.  Once I do that, none of her behavior or words would matter.  I appreciate your help!  :)  Thank you!

littlebird

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 228
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #102 on: January 16, 2013, 01:29:32 PM »
I don't know if you have a notebook or something you carry or some way of making notes in your phone, but you could write down some of the responses and carry them around with you. Like you, I tend to just go blank in the face of an insult, but knowing I had a list would probably make me feel more confident.

(I have a list of things that make me happy, which I use when I'm starting to get into an anxiety or depression loop.)

fnygrl

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 116
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #103 on: January 16, 2013, 06:35:39 PM »
I don't know if you have a notebook or something you carry or some way of making notes in your phone, but you could write down some of the responses and carry them around with you. Like you, I tend to just go blank in the face of an insult, but knowing I had a list would probably make me feel more confident.

(I have a list of things that make me happy, which I use when I'm starting to get into an anxiety or depression loop.)

Thank you, littlebird!  What a great idea!  I don't currently carry a notebook, but think it's a great idea, even if it's something small, to have in my bag for when (and if) the moment strikes!  Thank you!

 I wanted to share with you all a very interesting phone call I just got.  My neighbor (not the bully and not at all involved in the earlier posts or conversations) called me to tell me that the bully had called her yesterday to say, "Rumor has it that you and fnygrl went to lunch last week"  So it would appear that the bully was watching out her window, because there was no talk or knowledge shared with anyone else that this neighbor and I went to lunch.  The neighbor explained that, yes - she and I went to lunch and had a lovely afternoon.  The bully said, "I haven't talked to fnygrl in some time!  My husband and I were surprised as we had no idea that you were even friends!"  I mean - the neighbor thought this entire conversation was so crazy that she had to call and share it with me.  She had no idea that the bully even sent me the texts messages the other day or anything.  This whole experience is wild to me and I'm amazed in a way that the tables are now, in a way, turned.  Here, the bully was bullying me.  Now that I'm ignoring the bully, she's wondering what the heck is going on.  Even to go as far as watch out her window (or however she found out we went to lunch together) and try to piece together what her neighbors are doing and why they are even friends.

What an eye opener!

Than kyou for your advice and for letting me share, e-hell!  This has been quite the experience!!
« Last Edit: January 16, 2013, 06:59:48 PM by fnygrl »

Danika

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1940
  • I'm not speeding. I'm qualifying.
Re: Unwanted guest invited to gathering
« Reply #104 on: January 16, 2013, 07:23:04 PM »
The bully is creepy! She needs to get a life! Too bad the LunchNeighbor told her that you both, in fact, had had lunch together. I'm glad that LunchNeighbor called you to tell you because it was so weird! Now you can keep each other apprised. Hopefully, the bully is just bored, nosey and jealous and it doesn't escalate into punctured tires or other things.