Would this Bother you?

[Amava]

She's not too sensitive, this situation is absurd. It doesn't make sense at all.

[Winterlight]

In this case "too sensitive" is a code for "refusing to do what I want her to, which is to do the work so someone else can have fun."

Horace can either do the work, or rent a car. Not Patty's problem.

[bloo]

You know, if - from the get-go - Horace had been both verbally thankful and taken Patty out for a nice dinner and lunch and gotten her a nice gift, I would guess Patty would hardly be irritated or even notice this absurd deal.

But the situation is so silly that there has to be a high level of dysfunction in this family for Patty to even wonder if she should believe her family that she's too sensitive.

[buvezdevin]

I don't understand why patty is picking up the car, rather than Horace anyway.

If chores would cut too deeply into Horace's vacation time, no chores.

If Horace doesn't have time to go with his mother to pick up the car from his aunt, Horace doesn't have enough time to *need* a car.

[gramma dishes]

I don't understand why patty is picking up the car, rather than Horace anyway.

If chores would cut too deeply into Horace's vacation time, no chores.

If Horace doesn't have time to go with his mother to pick up the car from his aunt, Horace doesn't have enough time to *need* a car.

Precisely!!

[KenveeB]

There's no real reason why Patty has to be the one to pick up the car! There are many ways for Irene and Patty to work this out among themselves, or for Horace to do it himself. Tell Patty to stand firm and we applaud her newly-minted spine!

[Iris]

"You're too sensitive" makes me stabby. It is used by all kinds of boorish people to shift responsibility for their own bad behaviour onto others. These people are being inconsiderate and selfish.

I would advise Patty to think about what she wants to achieve here. Does she actually mind doing the jobs for her Aunt? If so, I would suggest just saying straight out "If you want me to do a job, you may ask me. I am NOT benefiting from this car, and do not have to pay for it, so you may not order me around." If she doesn't want to do jobs but doesn't mind driving her mother to pick the car up, simply drive her mother, drop her off and then head home. If she just wants to get herself out of the whole sorry mess then Just Say No.

I'm with Jones. How IS this even a question? 

[Iris]

Back again to add;

Penny said if Patty does not want to do what she needs - then she won't borrow Horace the car. 

"And how is that *my* problem?"

[Deetee]

Yeah, why is this a question?

This is so, so wrong that I don't even blame Penny and Horace and Irene. They are ridiculous jerks, but this has been going on so long and so blatently that I blame Patty.

If you are going to be a complete and utter doormat,  you can always find people that  will treat you like a complete and utter doormat. It sucks when it's your family, but after the first time (or at least the third time) Patty is just putting herself into this situation willingly.


(Unless there is some backstory like Horace then takes the car to deliver food to orphans and then spends his spare time massaging Patty's 47 arthritic cats so they can live a life of comfort)

[snowdragon]

As near as I can suss out  - the backstory is that Patty has always been the target child and Horace the Golden Child - she is just starting to try and break that role and is not always sure if her reactions are legitimate and reasonable. I told her I thought she was completely reasonable - but she wanted to hear it from someone "who doesn't love her and won't sugar coat it"  So I told her I would post here.

[Danika]

snowdragon, you can tell Patty that rarely are 100% of the posters in a thread in agreement. But they are here.

Yes, it would bother all of us. We are bothered on her behalf.

And no, she's not too sensitive.

"You're too sensitive" makes me stabby. It is used by all kinds of boorish people to shift responsibility for their own bad behaviour onto others. These people are being inconsiderate and selfish.

POD

And having been a doormat to my toxic family for many years, I'd recommend the following reading for Patty:

Emotional Blackmail - Susan Forward
The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life - Robin Stern

She can PM me when she's done with those, because I have an extensive reading list. 

[Redsoil]

Patty should be saying "I've been nice enough to do not only this favour of picking the car up so that no-one else is inconvenienced, but I've also been doing chores as well for a benefit someone else receives.  I'm no longer going to do so."

[RingTailedLemur]

As near as I can suss out  - the backstory is that Patty has always been the target child and Horace the Golden Child - she is just starting to try and break that role and is not always sure if her reactions are legitimate and reasonable. I told her I thought she was completely reasonable - but she wanted to hear it from someone "who doesn't love her and won't sugar coat it"  So I told her I would post here.

This is exactly how I grew up, and what led to a huge bust-up this year which utterly ruined my milestone birthday and led to me cutting off my parents.  I completely understand how Patty feels.

[GratefulMaria]

This is for a friend of mine: She is being told she is too sensitive and wants another perspective. 

  Her brother comes home to "visit" several times a year and stays with their mother. Instead of renting a car, he borrows their mother's car and the mom borrow's a car from her sister - sister owns two cars and no one is inconvenienced by the borrowing and it saves the bother a lot of money on car rentals.
  The Mother - let's call her "Irene"- picks the car up from the Aunt ( "Penny") before the brother ( "Horace") gets home, so Irene asks my friend "Patty" to drive to pick up the car.  MOST of the time when Patty does this - Penny wants chores done by Patty ( Never even suggests Irene do them ) "in return for the use of the car". These chores range from cleaning cat boxes to lawn work, to shoveling the drive or cleaning the car that the aunt will be driving off.   Horace is never asked to help out in any way shape or form - even as much as driving Irene to pick up the car or to drop it off. This is viewed as too much of an imposition on his vacation time.  When the car needs to go back it's the same story - Patty is told "I need this done and that, in return for using the car"
  Patty is tired of it all  as this has been going on for about 10 years and is beginning to show that she resents all this and when she confronted Irene and Penny about it Penny said if Patty does not want to do what she needs - then she won't borrow Horace the car.  Patty told Penny that if she is borrowing Horace the car the Horace should be asked to do the chores to "pay" for it.
    Both Irene and Penny are angry with Patty and it's been suggested that Patty the problem is Patty being too sensitive, not with the demands for chores. 
 I side with Patty - but is she being too sensitive to resent this?

I've noticed the people who say this when they're being insensitive.  It's a classic.

[bloo]

As near as I can suss out  - the backstory is that Patty has always been the target child and Horace the Golden Child - she is just starting to try and break that role and is not always sure if her reactions are legitimate and reasonable. I told her I thought she was completely reasonable - but she wanted to hear it from someone "who doesn't love her and won't sugar coat it"  So I told her I would post here.

Please let Patty know her reactions are legitimate and reasonable.

"You're too sensitive" makes me stabby. It is used by all kinds of boorish people to shift responsibility for their own bad behaviour onto others. These people are being inconsiderate and selfish.

Total POD.