General Etiquette > Family and Children

When parents say no

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Disrespecting the parents is a good way to lose contact with your grandkids.

Thatís what Iíd tell Flora any time she mentions a plan such as her original one.

OP has already done that, so it should be a closed subject (unless Flora brings it up again). I certainly wouldn't want to intervene with the parents, or try to find out why the parents feel the way they do (actually, their attitude makes a lot of sense to me, even without knowing all of the details).

Queen of Clubs:

--- Quote from: bopper on January 02, 2013, 10:24:00 AM ---I agree with Toots...this excuse sounds flimsy and I wonder what the real issue is.

Clearly they trust her somewhat to watch the kids.  Is it a driving issue?

Would Flora be open to hearing the real issue and dealing with it?  Like if it was her driving, could she have another adult drive? Or does she have car seats? Or could the parents go with her?

--- End quote ---

OP here.  I don't know if it's a driving issue.  I know that Flora sometimes has the car seats when she looks after the kids, but she doesn't usually drive them anywhere as their dad drops them off and picks them up, and I suspect it's a hassle to swap the seats in and out of cars.

As for Flora being open to hearing any real issues, no, she wouldn't.  She doesn't take criticism well.  If there is a real issue, I doubt Son would bring it up unnecessarily as he doesn't like to start rows.

Son, DIL, and the kids have gone down to see Flora's father on occasion - with and without Flora.  I think it's just their busy schedules that's the problem with them visiting more (as the trip there/back and the visit take up an entire day, especially when the youngest has such an early bedtime).

On the plus side, Flora was talking the other day about finding time to go visit her dad and didn't make any comment about taking her grandchildren or not being allowed to take them, so I'm hoping she's decided to let the idea drop.


--- Quote from: Sharnita on December 31, 2012, 11:03:58 AM ---Wild speculation - is it possible they have less than wonderful feelings/memories about grandpa/great-grandpa?

--- End quote ---

My guess, based on being the mother of former toddlers, and the great granddaughter of my Nana who died when I was 5 years old - DIL is afraid that her children won't be properly supervised if Flora takes them up to visit on her own, AND, her children won't get a thing out of a visit to a person that frail and ill, AND it could well be quite an imposition and annoyance to staff and the great grandpa.  Another AND - no telling what condition the children would be after a long day like that either, and it wouldn't be Flora paying the price of that visit, it would be the DIL or her regular day care!  It's a no-win situation, IMO, and for Flora to be pig headed about it and insist on having her way is awful.  If I were her DIL and she did all this to us - it would be a cold day in Hell before she got unsupervised visits again. 

Power plays are ugly enough when nothing bad is actually going to result.  When moderate harm, and potentially quite severe harm could result - it beggars belief that Flora would insist on having her way in this.  Moderate harm would be the children being too tired to behave well for a day or two after.  More harm could be that Flora is too tired to supervise well or drive safely and has an accident.  More harm could be that the children are not supervised and could cause harm with tubes and power cords and fluid lines during the visit.  More harm could be that they're underfoot and trip a nurse or doctor.  All of it is avoidable with proper supervision.

The parents said, "No."  No means no.  Non-negotiable.  That is all Flora/Fiona needs to understand.


--- Quote from: Queen of Clubs on December 31, 2012, 09:14:52 AM ---I recently spoke to Flora, and she mentioned that she wanted to take her grandkids up to see her father.  She was hoping to take them the next time she has them for a weekend visit, but Son and DIL said no.  They said the children are too much hard work and Flora wouldn't be able to enjoy her visit with her father.  Flora thinks this is an excuse but that's all they said.

--- End quote ---

It doesn't seem like an excuse to me, but rather a valid point. OP, you've said that the oldest is 2, right? I have a 4yo, an almost 2yo and a 6mo. I never go places to just visit a specific person with the kids unless I have another adult, or if that person has kids and they can all play together. So I might take the kids to visit my friend and her kids, but I don't make the drive to my Grandma's house unless DH, or my sister or Dad is going as well. Children that age don't have the attention span to sit down for a nice, long chat. If Sis and I head to Grandma's (a 4 hour drive each way) then one of us can supervise the kids, my 3 and her 1, while the other talks with Grandma. The kids get a quick visit, they get to say hi, play, say hi again, and then run off and play some more.

But, even if the parents say no because they don't want their children to be exposed to houses that are painted brown/aliens are known to abduct people from road to Great-Grandpa's house/they're worried Grandma will forget the ferret in the dishwasher when they leave, they are the parents and no means no.


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