My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3

[MorgnsGrl]

Well, she was already planning on visiting us at home.  The problem is, we don't want to be home that weekend.  And she has the money to visit us.  Money isn't an issue.

It's too bad if she wants to visit you on a particular weekend when you already have plans, but that's not really your problem. She doesn't get to decide you have to be available when she wants you to be. Maybe you could offer some other options as far as time goes and she'd get focused on rescheduling?

[learningtofly]

I've lived this and watched this. All of boss's vacation time was spent on Jewish holidays and while I know he cherished the time he had with his kids and sometimes extended family, he needed a vacation. It was nice for him the few years the holidays didn't fall in the middle of the week and he could take his family away.  Everyone deserves a vacation now and then that is just fun.  Cincinnati sounds like a great way to see family and have a great time. Your kids may prefer time with grandma over time with your friends.

I've dealt with whining grandparents and the holidays/not seeing the grandkids. It is a two way street. You've offered her time with her grandkids, just not how's she wants it. If she chooses not to accept your offer then it is her fault she goes so long without seeing all of you.  You can celebrate the holidays anywhere you wish. My MIL hates when we go somewhere else for a holiday. However, she is not the only family we have and she has learned to live with it.  Note: she isn't being left by herself either. Just hates that we're not there. Pointing out that she uninvited us a few times and made us think we were not needed didn't help.

[yokozbornak]

I think sometimes people do need to be called out on the manipulation and guilt. 

My MIL pulls the guilt trip all the time, it means "so much to her" for the children to come up TO HER, 2000 miles away.  She therefore informed us of the particular 2 weeks that she was free in the summer for this to happen.  It doesn't work that way.  We could not travel during that time so the guilt poured on.  When we tried to suggest different times for her to come here, the truth came out that she was already busy with FIVE additional vacations that summer.  My husband calmly told her that if we were her 6th choice, it must not mean that much to her after all.  I don't think he was nasty, I think it was a much needed dose of honesty to stop the guilt trip. 

Everyone has priorities.  If a 2 week Carribean vacation is her first choice, then she doesn't get to complain about never seeing the kids.

This exactly.  We have dealt with a similar situation with my mom, and it's obvious she wants us to make her a priority, but she doesn't give us the time of day unless it's convenient.  We have just stopped playing along.

I think that instead of hanging up in anger, just do as some of the other posters suggested, "Mom, this conversation is going nowhere and you have resorted to calling me names.  I am going to hang up and we can speak again when everyone is calm."  That way, you remain in control of both the conversation and your emotions.

[TootsNYC]

Well, she was already planning on visiting us at home.  The problem is, we don't want to be home that weekend.  And she has the money to visit us.  Money isn't an issue.

So just continue your plans. There is only ONE sentence for you to say from here on out when this topic comes up. (Cut and paste!!)

"Sorry, Mom, we're not going to be home that weekend. Let us know if there's another time you'd like to visit."

No matter what she says, or whines about not seeing the children. "Sorry, mom, we're not going to be home that weekend. Let us know if there's another time you'd like to visit."

Don't get into what her other plans are--don't even ask, don't put out so much effort in trying to arrange for her to visit. She can come when she wants. You'll travel when you can afford it (in terms of time or money), and that's it. There is no guilt--these are facts, and guilt has nothing to do with it.

You might send her an email and say, "These are the times we have off and will be at home. You of course can visit when you'd like, even if we're working or in school--it might be more boring, but you'd see us in our 'real lives.' "

Don't get into how much it means, etc. Stick strictly to the logistics. And when she tries to pour the guilt on, suddenly the cat's on fire or something--"Sorry, Mom, gotta go. Send us an email when you've decided when you can come."

[Slartibartfast]

POD to Toots!  "We won't be there that week, mom.  We're happy to see you some other time - let me know next time you might be free to come visit and we'll see what we can do to make some room in our schedule.  Otherwise we do intend to come out and see you sometime. It probably won't be soon, though, since it's so much more expensive for us to travel."  Redirect if she tries to justify her own vacation choices - it's none of your business or your responsibility how she chooses to spend her time, so it really don't matter

[NotCinderell]

I forgot the wonderful Toots Technique.  I'll keep it in mind.

[bloo]

Last summer, my mom was difficult with me while I was talking about making plans to visit her in Chicago.  We scrapped our plans and went to Seattle instead (our first big family vacation EVER that didn't involve visiting relatives out of obligation and wasn't just a quick weekend getaway) and had a blast.

Go visit your friend and then all y'all go to Seattle. It was so awesome for us when we took our first real vacation (i.e. NOT visiting relatives). Don't think another thing about your mom. You already know she's 'difficult'.

Apologize for hanging up, though. It's understandable but not good, all the same.

[bopper]

Maybe as Toots says, rephrase.

"I am going to Cincinatti then" sounds like you are choosing the Cincinatti friends over her.

"We are not available that weekend, what is another good time" sounds like you want to see her but just not that time.  You shouldn't say that she should give up her Dominic Republic vacation because she has already said that is a time she is not available.

[NotCinderell]

UPDATE

Called Mom yesterday.  Told her that we had thought it over, and that this was a weekend that my husband was going to have to take off work anyway, so we were going to use it for our limited vacation time and actually take a vacation.  Mom says she's decided that she's going to visit my cousin in New York instead and that because we won't be available this single weekend out of the year, she's not going to be able to visit us at all this year.  Then she brings up once again that she ONLY gets TWO WEEKS of vacation. 

I suggested that she was welcome at any time to spend any of that two weeks with us instead of going to the island, but that we also only got two weeks and we didn't want to stay home for all of it.  She accused me then of trying to make her feel bad.  I said that I wasn't trying to make her feel anything, but the facts were that this was a matter of her priorities and choices.  She started yelling at me, and I said, "This is getting ugly.  I'm going to hang up now."  And I hung up.

[LeveeWoman]

UPDATE

Called Mom yesterday.  Told her that we had thought it over, and that this was a weekend that my husband was going to have to take off work anyway, so we were going to use it for our limited vacation time and actually take a vacation.  Mom says she's decided that she's going to visit my cousin in New York instead and that because we won't be available this single weekend out of the year, she's not going to be able to visit us at all this year.  Then she brings up once again that she ONLY gets TWO WEEKS of vacation. 

I suggested that she was welcome at any time to spend any of that two weeks with us instead of going to the island, but that we also only got two weeks and we didn't want to stay home for all of it.  She accused me then of trying to make her feel bad.  I said that I wasn't trying to make her feel anything, but the facts were that this was a matter of her priorities and choices.  She started yelling at me, and I said, "This is getting ugly.  I'm going to hang up now."  And I hung up.

Good for you!

[JenJay]

Good job!! You didn't ask, but can I offer you some hugs? DH and I also have a relative who vacations out of the country every year but has told us straight out that they will not come visit us here in Virginia (we're from Oregon). The attitude is like "Well it was your choice to move. Why should I have to give up my annual trip to X?" Valid point but... not awesome. 

[NotCinderell]

Good job!! You didn't ask, but can I offer you some hugs? DH and I also have a relative who vacations out of the country every year but has told us straight out that they will not come visit us here in Virginia (we're from Oregon). The attitude is like "Well it was your choice to move. Why should I have to give up my annual trip to X?" Valid point but... not awesome. 

I think with my mom this is actually a passive-aggressive dig at me for celebrating Jewish holidays.  Mom is non-observant, you see.

And thanks.

[Hmmmmm]

Good job!! You didn't ask, but can I offer you some hugs? DH and I also have a relative who vacations out of the country every year but has told us straight out that they will not come visit us here in Virginia (we're from Oregon). The attitude is like "Well it was your choice to move. Why should I have to give up my annual trip to X?" Valid point but... not awesome. 

I think with my mom this is actually a passive-aggressive dig at me for celebrating Jewish holidays.  Mom is non-observant, you see.

And thanks.

So why was she wanting to spend Passover with you? 

Glad you are standing your ground.  To me part of being a mom is wanting to make things easier for your kids.  Having one person travel is a lot easier than a family of 4.  She is not prioritizing you.

[yokozbornak]

You did a good job, OP, but I am so sorry your mom is acting this way.  Her guilt is not your problem.

[NotCinderell]

So why was she wanting to spend Passover with you? 

Because she gets a 4-day weekend that weekend.  Don't worry, she'll still manage to tell me how awful the food is because it's Passover.  (I'm an excellent cook and am very good at Passover work-arounds, so I know my cooking isn't really the issue)