Author Topic: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3  (Read 10356 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2
« Reply #30 on: January 03, 2013, 01:22:37 PM »
So why was she wanting to spend Passover with you? 

Because she gets a 4-day weekend that weekend.  Don't worry, she'll still manage to tell me how awful the food is because it's Passover.  (I'm an excellent cook and am very good at Passover work-arounds, so I know my cooking isn't really the issue)

So a non-observent Mom wants to come and intrude on one of your family's most holy celebrations because it is convienient for her and while there will criticize the custom's associated with this celebration?

Honestly, I'm usually on the side of the moms because I had a really good mom and I still miss her so in most situations can't imagine someone not going out of their way to spend time with their mom. But, please do not let her make you feel guilty about this or any other situation in the future. 

TootsNYC

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? (epic length)
« Reply #31 on: January 03, 2013, 01:34:08 PM »
UPDATE

Called Mom yesterday.  Told her that we had thought it over, and that this was a weekend that my husband was going to have to take off work anyway, so we were going to use it for our limited vacation time and actually take a vacation.  Mom says she's decided that she's going to visit my cousin in New York instead and that because we won't be available this single weekend out of the year, she's not going to be able to visit us at all this year.  Then she brings up once again that she ONLY gets TWO WEEKS of vacation. 

I suggested that she was welcome at any time to spend any of that two weeks with us instead of going to the island, but that we also only got two weeks and we didn't want to stay home for all of it. She accused me then of trying to make her feel bad.  I said that I wasn't trying to make her feel anything, but the facts were that this was a matter of her priorities and choices.  She started yelling at me, and I said, "This is getting ugly.  I'm going to hang up now."  And I hung up.

Mistake!!

I actually don't think you did a good job (except for how you hung up--that was good!)

Don't go into such detail. Just say, "Oh well, that's too bad. Let us know if you can find time to come after all. The earlier you decide, the more likely that we'll be available."

Don't talk about her priorities and choices; don't lecture.

Stick ONLY to the facts. That's the *point* of the cut-and-paste technique. You *don't* argue, you don't talk about any underlying thing. You refuse, refuse, refuse to get into any other aspect of the entire conversation.

It's totally true that this is about her priorities--but it's also about yours, you know. Both of you have choices. You *could* choose to put your mom/grandmother first. You are choosing just as much as she is.

And you are also pressuring her, just as much as she is pressuring you. Perhaps it's in response to her initial pressure, but "she started it" is not a good place to be.

However, it's dangerous and potentially rude to talk about these issues in such detail. When it has been proven that this cannot be a productive conversation (which is the case for you), then you simply stick to the ONLY aspect of it that is important.

"That's too bad; we won't be available then. Let us know when you'd like to try again."

No other thing. Period. When she says, "that means that I won't see you for a whole year" in a guilt-inducing tone, the smart thing is to simply say, "That's too bad. Let us know when you'd like to try again."

NotCinderell

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2
« Reply #32 on: January 07, 2013, 01:52:31 PM »
UPDATE

Called mom last Thursday on an unrelated matter.  I told her what was going on (unrelated and not confrontational.  personal matter concerning my family) and she cut me off saying "I'msorrytohearthatbye!" really fast, in an obvious mocking of my attempting to disengage from her yelling at me. 

I have set her ringer to silent and will not call her for the foreseeable future.

Addy

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3
« Reply #33 on: January 07, 2013, 02:12:52 PM »
Wow, your Mom is a real piece of work, isn't she? A little less contact sounds like a great idea.

PastryGoddess

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3
« Reply #34 on: January 07, 2013, 03:23:32 PM »
 :o :( >:(

LeveeWoman

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2
« Reply #35 on: January 07, 2013, 03:39:55 PM »
UPDATE

Called mom last Thursday on an unrelated matter.  I told her what was going on (unrelated and not confrontational.  personal matter concerning my family) and she cut me off saying "I'msorrytohearthatbye!" really fast, in an obvious mocking of my attempting to disengage from her yelling at me. 

I have set her ringer to silent and will not call her for the foreseeable future.

I guess she showed you!  ::)

Stick to your guns, NotCinderell!

heartmug

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3
« Reply #36 on: January 07, 2013, 04:24:32 PM »
I am so sorry to hear she is treating you like that, but good for you for standing your ground. 
The trouble is not that the world is full of fools, it's just that lightening isn't distributed right.  - Mark Twain

Sophia

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3
« Reply #37 on: January 07, 2013, 04:27:13 PM »
OP, I just noticed your username.  Ironic.

NotCinderell

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3
« Reply #38 on: January 07, 2013, 05:33:58 PM »
OP, I just noticed your username.  Ironic.

Ironic how?  I called myself NotCinderell on the original etiquette-hell board because I had just gotten married, and I was explaining that getting married didn't make me Cinderella.  But Delphooey had a character limit, so it couldn't be NotCinderella and had to be shortened.

weeblewobble

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3
« Reply #39 on: January 07, 2013, 06:23:40 PM »
OP, I just noticed your username.  Ironic.

Ironic how?  I called myself NotCinderell on the original etiquette-hell board because I had just gotten married, and I was explaining that getting married didn't make me Cinderella.  But Delphooey had a character limit, so it couldn't be NotCinderella and had to be shortened.

I think Sophia means that you, like Cinderella, work hard, have a good heart and are unappreciated, (if not downright abused) for your efforts.  It was a commiseration, not a jab. :)

Sophia

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3
« Reply #40 on: January 07, 2013, 11:01:55 PM »
OP, I just noticed your username.  Ironic.

Ironic how?  I called myself NotCinderell on the original etiquette-hell board because I had just gotten married, and I was explaining that getting married didn't make me Cinderella.  But Delphooey had a character limit, so it couldn't be NotCinderella and had to be shortened.

I think Sophia means that you, like Cinderella, work hard, have a good heart and are unappreciated, (if not downright abused) for your efforts.  It was a commiseration, not a jab. :)

Yes, that was what I meant. 

NotCinderell

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3
« Reply #41 on: January 08, 2013, 02:09:00 PM »
OP, I just noticed your username.  Ironic.

Ironic how?  I called myself NotCinderell on the original etiquette-hell board because I had just gotten married, and I was explaining that getting married didn't make me Cinderella.  But Delphooey had a character limit, so it couldn't be NotCinderella and had to be shortened.

I think Sophia means that you, like Cinderella, work hard, have a good heart and are unappreciated, (if not downright abused) for your efforts.  It was a commiseration, not a jab. :)

I didn't assume it was a jab.  I guess I wondered if that's what she meant but didn't want to be presumptuous to assume that she was comparing me to Cinderella.

wyliefool

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Re: My mom: Am I being unreasonable? UPDATE PAGE 2 AND 3
« Reply #42 on: January 08, 2013, 02:38:07 PM »
So when she moves to the DR fulltime are you all going to be expected to travel there to see her or will she now have lots of time to visit? Just wondering. Because altho flights might not be too expensive, since it's a big tourist destination, the whole passport thing is a pain and the destination itself isn't cheap.