Author Topic: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?  (Read 8615 times)

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Deetee

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #45 on: December 19, 2012, 12:58:53 PM »
The only real etiquette breach I've seen is I don't really think it was fair with the friends to burden the OP with the information that they weren't coming because it was too painful. It wasn't technically asking that they get rid of the baby but to me it was sort of those asking without asking situations. I think they should have just politely declined without giving the reason.



This depends. For a casual friend, yes, it is too much, but for a close, dear friend I think it is a sign of close friendship. For a close friend, I would want to know why my friends were avoiding me. If the friendship is close, you can share things like this (you don't have to as some people simply do not share personal feelings that way).

stkatie00

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #46 on: December 19, 2012, 01:57:32 PM »
I agree with those who say that since you've offered to remove the baby (which I certainly think was a very gracious thing to do-and you'll probably enjoy an adults only night), you should remove the major baby things as well. And you'll appreciate having the extra room for entertaining as well! Don't remove pictures (if you even have any up; my twins are now 1 and we don't have any photos of them up yet), but certainly the playpen and toys. I wouldn't think he playpen would be that difficult to break down-ours isn't, and we also travel with it.

ETA: A very good friend of mine discovered she couldn't have her own kids right around the time I was really starting to show with the twins. For her sake, knowing how tough it was for her, I backed way up and allowed her to call the shots. When we were together, I didn't discuss my pregnancy, and if asked about it by others, I would answer the question, then bean dip. I let her know I was there for her, but didn't want to be in her face about it. Since the twins have been born, when ive invited her to things, I've been ecstatic when she has come, but accepted her declines as well. When we can, we get together without the kids, and we don't talk much about them (which is a decided relief, as a stay at home mom). All that is to say, I probably would have accepted the declining of the invite, but since you've made the step to keep the baby out of the house, you really do need to help her and her husband to be as comfortable as possible.
« Last Edit: December 19, 2012, 02:08:01 PM by stkatie00 »

CakeEater

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #47 on: December 19, 2012, 04:23:39 PM »
I feel bad for the couple.  I kind of think they probably feel they had to say yes when the offer of removing the baby was made.  I know this has happened to me with other things and I realize after a back and forth of options I should not have provided additional information that could be challenged and should have just politley declined.

Because the offer of baby removal was made I would include the stuff in the main rooms as well.  I don't really hang personal pictures so I'm not sure where pictures would be.  I think on the hall wall is fine to leave but if there are small things on the end table that have baby photos I would move them.

Given the amount of thanks Jane has given the OP, I kind of doubt that this is the case.

Sharnita

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #48 on: December 19, 2012, 06:26:17 PM »

They tried to do that, did they not? I think a lot of people are getting offended at this couple when they have so far done nothing much wrong. Don't attach your feelings on the poor way other infertile couples behave on a pair, who thus far, have only committed the crime of feeling pain and grief.

I am not offended at this couple or attaching any feelings.  I am saying that the OP has no control over whether they can handle a situation or not.  The couple needs to decide what they can handle.

I do agree.  I think the couple did decide they couldn't handle the situation, let the OP know, OP and her DH offered to create a situation that they could handle.

Syrse

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #49 on: December 28, 2012, 02:58:46 PM »
OP here,

sorry for the long absence, Christmas got in the way  ;)

Thanks for all the insights, I will be putting the playpen away and remove all the other toys as well. I'll probably use the extra space to put up the extra table with the food, so the empty space won't be too obvious.
We don't have any pictures up yet, so that won't be a problem.


lisastitch

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #50 on: December 28, 2012, 05:40:51 PM »
From the perspective of one who had fertility problems--

it's very hard to ignore a living breathing cooing baby, but being with that baby just reinforces your pain and grief.
It is much easier to ignore baby "stuff" that just sits there.  No one expects you to coo over it or respond to it.

OP, this is a lovely, generous gesture--an evening to get together with friends without having  their noses rubbed in the fact that they don't have a baby.  And I'm glad that you're able to move the playpen out.

NotTheNarcissist

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #51 on: January 01, 2013, 01:17:39 AM »
OP here,

sorry for the long absence, Christmas got in the way  ;)

Thanks for all the insights, I will be putting the playpen away and remove all the other toys as well. I'll probably use the extra space to put up the extra table with the food, so the empty space won't be too obvious.
We don't have any pictures up yet, so that won't be a problem.



I don't have much to add to the advice you've gotten. As one who has struggled w/ infertility for over 20 years I commend you for your unusual and priceless sensitivity to this situation.

I see that my own preferences differ slightly from others who responded who also have battled infertility so I think it's safe to say that each person's preference can be different. I would hesitate to use absolutes in how to handle this sensitive situation.

Syrse

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #52 on: January 01, 2013, 07:14:18 PM »
Well, New Year came and went  :)

I ended up putting the playpen away, as well as all the rest of the toys. The only thing I left was the breastmilk in the fridge  ;)
I did have a 'woops' moment; I had put the playpen pieces in the work room, where we also keep all of our DVDs. At one point I was breast pumping in the bedroom and I heard all the guests, along with my DH, move to that room to pick a movie. Luckily Jane sounded very animated and happy during the movie picking, and didn't seem to feel the need to leave that room again.

And my baby girl behaved perfectly during her very first night out, so it was a perfect evening all around  :)

Thank you all for the advice!

CakeEater

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #53 on: January 01, 2013, 08:16:41 PM »
I'm glad it went so well!

gramma dishes

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Re: New year with baby-less friends: do I clean away all the baby stuff?
« Reply #54 on: January 01, 2013, 08:20:46 PM »
I'm so glad it worked out well.  She got a "baby free" evening, you got an opportunity to spend with friends without the responsibilities of your own baby for just a few hours, the Grandparents got a cherished evening alone with their new granddaughter.  Everybody went home happy!  That's the way we like to see stories end.

And I must say, I'm impressed by your willingness to put so much thought and energy into accommodating the needs of your friend.