Have to have not-fun convo with MIL.. we're not coming for TDay.. help?

[buvezdevin]

Queen of clubs and Iris make some very good points. Its not necessarily who MiL loves more.  In the enablers head, its usually "who needs me more." She sees Dh with a family and spouse, while BIL is alone. She figures he needs her more and DH will be ok without her.

I am sorry she responded the way she did. It sounded both snarky and confrontational.

You just have to keep on as you are. She's either going to understand you aren't backing down from your stance or she won't. Either way you are doing the right thing.

This is so true, particularly the "who needs more" - which, in an enabling mindset can lead to resenting those who do not also cater to the addict.  The resentment can be two-fold, that the enabler's choices are not validated by others doing likewise, and the "feeling" that others without the addict's problems (even where self caused) are not given priority over those without such "need".

OP, sat strong, you and DH have good reasons for *your* choices, even though your MIL may not be seeing it yet.

[TootsNYC]

I have a theory; Sometimes people in this situation realise - at least subconsciously - that if it wasn't for them no-one at all in the whole world would like Junkie McJunkerton and they just can't bring themselves to be the one that leaves them with NO-ONE, no matter what the cost or how much they deserve it.. . . . I think she is just trying to be that one link back to a normal life no matter what the cost.

 I hope you and your DH continue to reach out to her and invite her for lunches or other small things that won't make her feel like she is abandoning BIL.

This enabling sounds somewhat similiar to an abusive relationship, so I think its important to keep the lines of communication open so caring for her addicted son doesn't become her entire life.

I agree with both of these.

Remember one of the lines from my proposed "script"? The idea of "don't make it worse by rubbing our noses in it" and "it won't get better if you pick at it"?

Every time your DH actually says, "This invitation is only for you," he is saying, "I don't even want my own brother, the member of your household, in my home." That's got to be hard for her to here.

So just don't even go there--don't even issue invitations that make it necessary to say that. Put some time in thinking, and find ways to get together with her that won't involve the conflict.

What a tough situation for everyone!

[gramma dishes]

...   It's a version of "Sammy, give your toy to the baby, because otherwise the baby will scream, and that'll be your fault."

Wow!  This is no doubt the best analogy I've ever seen to explain this kind of 'social' interaction.   

[amylouky]

Every time your DH actually says, "This invitation is only for you," he is saying, "I don't even want my own brother, the member of your household, in my home." That's got to be hard for her to here.

So just don't even go there--don't even issue invitations that make it necessary to say that. Put some time in thinking, and find ways to get together with her that won't involve the conflict.

What a tough situation for everyone!

I'm not sure how to do that, though, without completely cutting her off which we don't want to do?
If we just invite her somewhere, and don't tell her that it is just for her, she WILL bring BIL.
I know it is hard for her to hear that he is not welcome, but I don't know how to still try to keep communication lines open, and let her know that we do want to maintain a relationship with HER, without inviting her to do things but specifying "No BIL"?

Also, mini-update, haven't heard anything at all from MIL since DH went to her work on Thursday.

[Iris]

Every time your DH actually says, "This invitation is only for you," he is saying, "I don't even want my own brother, the member of your household, in my home." That's got to be hard for her to here.

So just don't even go there--don't even issue invitations that make it necessary to say that. Put some time in thinking, and find ways to get together with her that won't involve the conflict.

What a tough situation for everyone!

I'm not sure how to do that, though, without completely cutting her off which we don't want to do?
If we just invite her somewhere, and don't tell her that it is just for her, she WILL bring BIL.
I know it is hard for her to hear that he is not welcome, but I don't know how to still try to keep communication lines open, and let her know that we do want to maintain a relationship with HER, without inviting her to do things but specifying "No BIL"?

Also, mini-update, haven't heard anything at all from MIL since DH went to her work on Thursday.

I'm a big fan of saying what you mean where possible. Perhaps DH can find some neutral territory to speak to her and put it all out there "Mom, I will always love my brother, but you must understand that I need to put my children and my wife first. Because of specific examples A, B, and C I have decided that he can't be around my family and so sadly I can't be around him either. This is not up for discussion. It won't change until Specific Acts X, Y and Z have happened. I'm here though to talk about you. It breaks my heart that I have to lose my mother because of this. It really hurts that you're cutting me off when I've done *nothing* wrong simply because I won't indulge your favourite child. I've made a decision to protect my family because YOU raised me to take care of the people I love. I don't want that to cost my children their Grandma." Then, if she doesn't respond or just continues to argue then you at least know you've done all you can. Sadly, it looks like you may lose TWO people to BIL's addictions but in the end, all you can do is your best and take care of your own.

[MerryCat]

OP, I'm sorry that your MIL wasn't more understanding of your position. At this point I think the best thing you can do is to give her a little space to process things and think about whether she's really willing to cut off you and her grandchildren just because you won't spend time with BIL.

[weeblewobble]

Every time your DH actually says, "This invitation is only for you," he is saying, "I don't even want my own brother, the member of your household, in my home." That's got to be hard for her to here.

So just don't even go there--don't even issue invitations that make it necessary to say that. Put some time in thinking, and find ways to get together with her that won't involve the conflict.

What a tough situation for everyone!

I'm not sure how to do that, though, without completely cutting her off which we don't want to do?
If we just invite her somewhere, and don't tell her that it is just for her, she WILL bring BIL.
I know it is hard for her to hear that he is not welcome, but I don't know how to still try to keep communication lines open, and let her know that we do want to maintain a relationship with HER, without inviting her to do things but specifying "No BIL"?

Also, mini-update, haven't heard anything at all from MIL since DH went to her work on Thursday.

With all due respect to Toots, amylouky is right on the money.  Unless you specifically outline your boundaries every single time, these personalities will use that as a loophole to put you right back at square one.  i.e. "Well, you didn't SAY that BIL couldn't come!"

[Deetee]

I'm a big fan of saying what you mean where possible. Perhaps DH can find some neutral territory to speak to her and put it all out there "Mom, I will always love my brother, but you must understand that I need to put my children and my wife first. Because of specific examples A, B, and C I have decided that he can't be around my family and so sadly I can't be around him either. This is not up for discussion. It won't change until Specific Acts X, Y and Z have happened. I'm here though to talk about you. It breaks my heart that I have to lose my mother because of this. It really hurts that you're cutting me off when I've done *nothing* wrong simply because I won't indulge your favourite childignore what BIL is doing. I've made a decision to protect my family because YOU raised me to take care of the people I love. I don't want that to cost my children their Grandma." Then, if she doesn't respond or just continues to argue then you at least know you've done all you can. Sadly, it looks like you may lose TWO people to BIL's addictions but in the end, all you can do is your best and take care of your own.

I think this is perfect except for the small change I made. I agree with a previous poster that it isn't that MIL loves BIL more, it's that he needs her more (or she thinks he needs her more) and the favorite child wording is a little bit attacky when everything else is perfect.

[Iris]

I'm a big fan of saying what you mean where possible. Perhaps DH can find some neutral territory to speak to her and put it all out there "Mom, I will always love my brother, but you must understand that I need to put my children and my wife first. Because of specific examples A, B, and C I have decided that he can't be around my family and so sadly I can't be around him either. This is not up for discussion. It won't change until Specific Acts X, Y and Z have happened. I'm here though to talk about you. It breaks my heart that I have to lose my mother because of this. It really hurts that you're cutting me off when I've done *nothing* wrong simply because I won't indulge your favourite childignore what BIL is doing. I've made a decision to protect my family because YOU raised me to take care of the people I love. I don't want that to cost my children their Grandma." Then, if she doesn't respond or just continues to argue then you at least know you've done all you can. Sadly, it looks like you may lose TWO people to BIL's addictions but in the end, all you can do is your best and take care of your own.

I think this is perfect except for the small change I made. I agree with a previous poster that it isn't that MIL loves BIL more, it's that he needs her more (or she thinks he needs her more) and the favorite child wording is a little bit attacky when everything else is perfect.

I will admit I do get a little  at people like this, obviously I'm not as well controlled as I like to think I am 

[amylouky]

So.. MIL called out of the blue, after no contact since Thanksgiving, last week. She asked if we wanted to meet for dinner at a restaurant. DH asked her, "Just us?" and she huffed a little and said, "Yeah, yeah, I get it. Just us."
Dinner was really nice, no PA behavior on her part, and best of all.. no mention at ALL of BIL or his latest antics. I'm more hopeful about Christmas, maybe she'll actually come over to our house (we've invited her).
So, maybe just maybe there's some hope after all.

[Deetee]

Good update and keep those spines polished!

[JoyinVirginia]

Thanks for the update amylouky! I can imagine out was a relaxing visit to NOT have the BIL antics be the main topic of dinner conversation.

[amylouky]

Thanks for the update amylouky! I can imagine out was a relaxing visit to NOT have the BIL antics be the main topic of dinner conversation.

It really was! It reminded me of the times before BIL got so messed up.. I really did love spending time with MIL. Hoping that this will continue!

[Lynda_34]

Been following this thread, glad for the positive update.  Keep firm, baby steps and maybe in the long run things will work out. 

[Nora]

That sounds promising, I hope she continues like this!