Author Topic: I don't want her in my house  (Read 4205 times)

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Ciarrai

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I don't want her in my house
« on: December 31, 2012, 07:49:59 PM »
Or, is it actually possible not to invite a family member to a Welcome the Baby party?

Background: My husband's cousin is a first-class female dog. She is rude, entitled and completely two-faced. Among her transgressions was texting me a few days before my wedding and accusing me of only inviting her parents to events that we expected gifts for (such as my bridal shower). This apparently stemmed from her mother telling her that her father (Aunt's husband, my husband's uncle) had not been invited to my husband's bachelor party. In fact he had been invited, he just neglected to tell his wife and daughter that.
She also caused a scene at my bridal shower because she was jealous that she had not had a bridal shower herself, due to eloping and not telling anyone that she was getting married until after she'd already done it.
Her mother is an alcoholic female dog as well, so the apple did not fall far from the tree.

Anyway, since then we have not spoken. She lives in Puerto Rico while we live in Canada. She is going to be visiting her parents for the month of February.

/Background.

I am holding a Welcome the Baby party for my SIL, who is due to give birth to a baby girl within the next few weeks. It is highly likely that this cousin will be here when the party will be held. I do not want her or her mother in my home, but I am not sure if it's at all etiquettely approved to not invite the aunt and cousin to a family Welcome the Baby party. Do I have a leg to stand on or do I have to suck it up and allow them to come?

My husband understands my concern, but is also worried about his aunt and cousin kicking up a huge fuss and causing everyone else in the family problems.

Sharnita

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2012, 07:53:34 PM »
I would think that since she specifically pbjected to her family being invited to parties involving gifts you are almost obligated to leave them off the guest list (assuming this is something people will be bringing gifts to).

AnnaJ

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2012, 08:00:09 PM »
Since the party is for your SIL, I would say it depends on what she wants - have you asked her who she wants at the party?  If she wants cousin there, then I'd suck it up...if not, then there's no reason to invite her.

Phoebe

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2012, 08:02:19 PM »
I have two questions: 

How does your SIL feel about this cousin?  If they're "close" at all, it'd be really hard not to invite her.  On the other hand, if SIL has had the same sort of experiences as you describe above, she might well be happy not having cousin present.

If cousin is in town at the time of the party, will she be visiting SIL during the trip?  If so, then she gets to meet the baby at that visit, so I wouldn't feel any guilt over leaving her off of the party guest list.


bloo

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2012, 08:05:30 PM »
I don't think it's so much a matter of ettiquette as much as it is relationship blowback. Is the resulting drama from leaving them off the list more attractive than dealing with them being in your home? You get to decide which is the lesser of two evils.

My sympathies. You're trying to do something nice and now you're in a position where you will feel like you made the wrong decision no matter what you do.

I love Sharnita's reason for leaving them off the list though, in case anyone asks. >:D


Ciarrai

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2012, 08:10:33 PM »
SIL has had the same type of experiences as I have, but she's much more laid back than I am and thus has just let it roll off her back. She, like me, has married into the family so it's not a blood relation thing.

I doubt she would be visiting with the cousin during the trip though unless the aunt and uncle had everyone over for dinner or some such before the baby is born (if SIL goes overdue) or near the end of the trip (if SIL has the baby on time or early). SIL and BIL are not social people, and will probably be even less so once the baby is born.

Otterpop

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2012, 09:25:00 PM »
Either hold the party later, when cousin is no longer in the country.  Or, invite them by mail (no phone calls) and then be coolly polite and distant when they are in your home.  Do not engage at all.  Have lots of bean dip ready and be super duper busy with preparations and other family members.

I think if you have a family party and don't include them, their contempt will go nuclear.  Some might even take their side.
« Last Edit: December 31, 2012, 09:27:22 PM by Otterpop »

doodlemor

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2012, 10:16:43 PM »
Either hold the party later, when cousin is no longer in the country.  Or, invite them by mail (no phone calls) and then be coolly polite and distant when they are in your home.  Do not engage at all.  Have lots of bean dip ready and be super duper busy with preparations and other family members.

I think if you have a family party and don't include them, their contempt will go nuclear.  Some might even take their side.

This. 

If anyone asks, you can say that the party was delayed until the worst of the winter was past.  Unfortunately, if nasty cousin is noticeably excluded some may take her side.

heathert

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #8 on: December 31, 2012, 10:47:05 PM »
Does the party have to be at your house?
_


snappylt

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #9 on: December 31, 2012, 10:49:18 PM »
My opinion is that you have the right, as the host, to make your own guest list.  (That is, you have the right to invite or not invite particular people into your home.)  So, yes, you can make the decision to not invite them.

However, as others have said, if you make that decision, there may be some unpleasantness from others who disagree with that opinion.  I guess you'll have to decide if the unpleasantness of having them in your home is worth it to avoid the unpleasantness that may happen if you exclude them.

Unless, as someone else suggested, if you haven't set the date yet, would it be possible to schedule the party for a date when the unpleasant relatives are not in your country?  That would be an easy way to avoid trouble.

Ciarrai

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2013, 04:22:24 AM »
Yes the party has to be at my house. I don't have the funds to host it at a hall or anywhere else.

I haven't set the date yet and I won't be doing so until my SIL gives birth and we see how she and the baby are feeling. It could all be a moot point if she goes overdue, since I don't think she'll be wanting to bring the baby anywhere in the first couple weeks from what I can gather from her mother and my BIL. If she doesn't give birth until early February, the party won't be until March anyway, when I hope my husband's cousin has left.

Slartibartfast

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #11 on: January 01, 2013, 05:17:13 AM »
Who would your cousin be staying with?  If that person is going to be a guest at the shower and the shower is being held during a period of time your cousin would be visiting, then yes, your cousin would be part of that person's "family unit" and they become a package deal unless you have serious precedent otherwise.

Redsoil

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #12 on: January 01, 2013, 08:30:05 AM »
I think you've given your own answer.  Delay, delay, delay! 

As you said, it will depend on a few things - when the baby is born, how baby and parents settle in together, and how the new mother is feeling herself.  Plus, I gather it's not necessarily recommended for new babies to be exposed to large groups of people too early (YMMV).  If asked, cite the above circumstances as reasons for no firm date.
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JenJay

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #13 on: January 01, 2013, 09:57:47 AM »
I'd delay the party. If the baby isn't due until at least mid-January it's totally reasonable to wait until early March for the party. Winter sniffles and all that, right?  ;)

snowdragon

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Re: I don't want her in my house
« Reply #14 on: January 01, 2013, 12:39:11 PM »
I would start and I want to continue and establish early that this cousin ( and aunt?) is not welcome in my house and will never be invited there. Have the party  when SIL is going to comfortable with and and darned the consequences. Otherwise you will eventually end up with cousin ( and aunt) exactly where don't want don't want her: in your home