Bridemaid blues

[Annoyed in America]

Several years ago I was dating my DH.  He was from a different state.  He convinced me to come spend the summer in his town, which I did.  This was the summer of his brother's wedding.  My then boyfriends mother (I discovered later) insisted I be a part of the wedding party.  This was to be a HUGE wedding, with everything.  I was reluctant to be involved at this level, but consented.  Bridezilla (who was a virtual stranger to me) was not happy about this and punished me in many ways.  I was excluded from all but one bridal party photograph.  I was asked to sit away from the family during the actual ceremony.  I had to pay for my expensive dress (everyone else's was paid for). I had to sit with strangers at both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding party.  I did not stand in the receiving line.  I was humiliated to say the least.  Years later my sister-in-law is no longer friends with any of the other bridesmaids but I am still a member of that family.  Needless to say, we settled in a different part of the country, partially as a result of my poor treatment.  What I learned here and hope to pass on to you youngsters, is don't allow yourself to get railroaded into something is personal as this.  I have never been able to reconcile myself to this terrible treatment by my SIL and have never had a relationship with her.  All because my MIL wanted to include me in the festivities.

[Sharnita]

Reading that I would fault MIL at least equally. She is picking the WP, including people who are opposed to being in the WP, but sitting back and.watching this,happen? If the bride didn't want to pay for a dress for a WP member that she never truly wanted, I actually that. What I don't get is why MIL wouldn't pony up. Or why MIL didn't make room for her at the rehearsal, ceremony, receiving line, etc. If it was just one thing she was left out of I could forgive MIL for not noticing but to be left out that many times and have MIL not notice when she insisted on your presence to begin with - I'd wonder what game she was playing.

[cocacola35]

I have to agree with Sharnita.  There is probably a lot more to this story than what we are hearing.  It sounds to me like the OP was used as a pawn in a power-struggle game between SIL and MIL, which is very unfortunate as it set up a lifetime of resentment from the OP.

I think the MIL holds equal (possibly more depending on how this all was initiated) blame for what happened.  I don't think SIL's behavior was appropriate, but I would be upset too if a stranger that I may never see again was put in my wedding party and now I was expected to pay for all her expenses which may not be in my budget.  MIL overstepped her boundaries by pushing SIL to have OP in the wedding party and MIL should have been the one to pay for all the expenses.  SIL probably was angry with MIL, but was taking it all out on the OP.  She was probably angry at being manipulated into having the OP in her wedding and her way of "taking back control" was to exclude OP from as many WP events and duties as possible to show MIL up.  Both MIL and SIL acted terribly, which sadly resulted in damaged relationships with OP and her now DH.

[Hmmmmm]

Ignore this post. Read the post incorrectly.


The whole story seems off to me.
it almost seems like it was the brides brother who insisted because so many of these things could have been resolved by the MOB.
I would assume the MOB would be aware of which BM dresses would have been paid for and could have stepped in to pay for the GF's dress if she had wanted the GF'S as part of the wedding.
Same with the seating chart for the rehearsal dinner.
I'm sort of sympathetic with the bride on the wedding picture issue.  Having a sibling's old significant other in all of your bridal party pictures can be irritataing. And since the couple wasn't engaged there was no strong assurance she would always be part of the family.
The MOB could have also invited the GF into the receiving line but I wonder if all of the wedding party was in the receiving line or just the MOH and best man and the immediate families.
I've not been to a wedding where the bridal party sits with the family, so can't figure out that complaint.

[PastryGoddess]

The whole story seems off to me.
it almost seems like it was the brides brother who insisted because so many of these things could have been resolved by the MOB.
I would assume the MOB would be aware of which BM dresses would have been paid for and could have stepped in to pay for the GF's dress if she had wanted the GF'S as part of the wedding.
Same with the seating chart for the rehearsal dinner.
I'm sort of sympathetic with the bride on the wedding picture issue.  Having a sibling's old significant other in all of your bridal party pictures can be irritataing. And since the couple wasn't engaged there was no strong assurance she would always be part of the family.
The MOB could have also invited the GF into the receiving line but I wonder if all of the wedding party was in the receiving line or just the MOH and best man and the immediate families.
I've not been to a wedding where the bridal party sits with the family, so can't figure out that complaint.

It sounds like you were reading an entirely different story altogether....


OP has said that she found out it was MOB MOG who pushed for her to be included, so why do you think her now BIL insisted


As to the rest, I have no idea if the rest of the bridal party sat together at the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception.  Or if the rest of the bridal party was in the receiving line, so I can't speak to those.  OP can we get an update.


Edited to fix MOB to MOG

[wolfie]

OP has said that she found out it was MOB who pushed for her to be included, so why do you think her now BIL insisted

No - it was not the MOB who pushed for her to be included. The OP's boyfriend's brother was getting married - so it was the mother of the groom that pushed for the OP to be included. I can see why the Bride was upset - this was probably part of an in-law battle.

[PastryGoddess]

OP has said that she found out it was MOB who pushed for her to be included, so why do you think her now BIL insisted

No - it was not the MOB who pushed for her to be included. The OP's boyfriend's brother was getting married - so it was the mother of the groom that pushed for the OP to be included. I can see why the Bride was upset - this was probably part of an in-law battle.

Good point...Thank you for that.  I'll update my post.  The point I was trying to make is that it doesn't make sense to say the brother insisted when the OP has said it wasn't the case.

[Hmmmmm]

The whole story seems off to me.
it almost seems like it was the brides brother who insisted because so many of these things could have been resolved by the MOB.
I would assume the MOB would be aware of which BM dresses would have been paid for and could have stepped in to pay for the GF's dress if she had wanted the GF'S as part of the wedding.
Same with the seating chart for the rehearsal dinner.
I'm sort of sympathetic with the bride on the wedding picture issue.  Having a sibling's old significant other in all of your bridal party pictures can be irritataing. And since the couple wasn't engaged there was no strong assurance she would always be part of the family.
The MOB could have also invited the GF into the receiving line but I wonder if all of the wedding party was in the receiving line or just the MOH and best man and the immediate families.
I've not been to a wedding where the bridal party sits with the family, so can't figure out that complaint.

It sounds like you were reading an entirely different story altogether....


OP has said that she found out it was MOB MOG who pushed for her to be included, so why do you think her now BIL insisted


As to the rest, I have no idea if the rest of the bridal party sat together at the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception.  Or if the rest of the bridal party was in the receiving line, so I can't speak to those.  OP can we get an update.


Edited to fix MOB to MOG

Your right, I did read this completely wrong.  I read it as the boyfriend's sister was marrying.  For the life of me, I can't imagine a MOG getting away with pushing for or influencing bridesmaids.

[Otterpop]

Chances are, with a bride this nasty to a virtual stranger, she was not a nice person to begin with.  This is probably a pattern of behavior with her and no matter what OP did, the relationship was doomed.  (Note the bride has no lasting friendships with any of her bridesmaids either.)

MIL was pushy, but I didn't read her as having evil intent.

[LEMon]

Chances are, with a bride this nasty to a virtual stranger, she was not a nice person to begin with.  This is probably a pattern of behavior with her and no matter what OP did, the relationship was doomed.  (Note the bride has no lasting friendships with any of her bridesmaids either.)

MIL was pushy, but I didn't read her as having evil intent.

If I, as MOG, insisted that my DIL to be include a brother's girlfriend as part of her wedding party, I'm seriously overstepping MOG bounds to the MOGzilla state.  I can see asking that his girlfriend be invited as groom's brother's date.  But beyond that, way outta line.

Poor bride.  Yes, she was nasty (and I have no support for her for that), but I see her as caught in an awful situation set up by her soon to be MIL.

What keeps coming to my mind is "Why in the world did this girl accept?"  She had to know she wasn't a friend or relative.  She had to understand that this bride was being pressured.  She had to understand from how she was treated prior to the wedding that the bride would be very happy if she backed out.  Why did she accept?  And why did she keep being part of the bridal party?

[PastryGoddess]

The girl was the OP and was young and trying to fit in with her boyfriends family.  She did say that in hindsight it was a bad idea and has affected her relationship with her SIL to this day.

[Sharnita]

Keep in mind, it doesn't sound like the bride herself had the fortitude to say no to MOG.

[wolfie]

Chances are, with a bride this nasty to a virtual stranger, she was not a nice person to begin with.  This is probably a pattern of behavior with her and no matter what OP did, the relationship was doomed.  (Note the bride has no lasting friendships with any of her bridesmaids either.)

MIL was pushy, but I didn't read her as having evil intent.

I don't have a real relationship with any of my bridesmaids anymore either. I don't think that fact is very telling.

[Mental Magpie]

Chances are, with a bride this nasty to a virtual stranger, she was not a nice person to begin with.  This is probably a pattern of behavior with her and no matter what OP did, the relationship was doomed.  (Note the bride has no lasting friendships with any of her bridesmaids either.)

MIL was pushy, but I didn't read her as having evil intent.

I don't have a real relationship with any of my bridesmaids anymore either. I don't think that fact is very telling.

Ditto.  I have now been a maid of honor 4 times and a bridesmaid 1.  I speak to one (her wedding was just 9 days ago) regularly and my sister just barely.  We all just grew apart.

[Annoyed in America]

The whole story seems off to me.
it almost seems like it was the brides brother who insisted because so many of these things could have been resolved by the MOB.
I would assume the MOB would be aware of which BM dresses would have been paid for and could have stepped in to pay for the GF's dress if she had wanted the GF'S as part of the wedding.
Same with the seating chart for the rehearsal dinner.
I'm sort of sympathetic with the bride on the wedding picture issue.  Having a sibling's old significant other in all of your bridal party pictures can be irritataing. And since the couple wasn't engaged there was no strong assurance she would always be part of the family.
The MOB could have also invited the GF into the receiving line but I wonder if all of the wedding party was in the receiving line or just the MOH and best man and the immediate families.
I've not been to a wedding where the bridal party sits with the family, so can't figure out that complaint.

It sounds like you were reading an entirely different story altogether....


OP has said that she found out it was MOB MOG who pushed for her to be included, so why do you think her now BIL insisted


As to the rest, I have no idea if the rest of the bridal party sat together at the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception.  Or if the rest of the bridal party was in the receiving line, so I can't speak to those.  OP can we get an update.


Edited to fix MOB to MOG

Update to story...sorry to be late in coming back... Anyway, to clarify, it was very formal wedding with a big sit down dinner...think "wedding" in Godfather movie.  The entire wedding party sans OP (me) sat at one large table. 
And to clarify other commenters confusion...the MIL saw that I was serious with son #2, and could see the writing on the wall.  She was just trying to be inclusive.  Bridezilla was also ugly to me in other ways at the time, saying to me at the wedding mass (Catholic) "You cannot take communion!"  She had no firsthand knowledge what religion I was or wasn't at the time of the comment.  She was just being snarky.  Also, at the photo shoot, she made me stand aside, obviously humiliating me, since several of the other party tried to coax me into photos, not realizing the situation.  I was young, 21, and was raised to smile and not make problems so I kept my mouth shut, and just silently endured all of this.    I wish I had never been in this wedding as it caused me so much pain and created a huge situation that made it impossible for me to EVER have a relationship with my only SIL.  All because me future MIL was trying to include me.  She probably thought that bridzilla and I would bond over this.