Author Topic: Bridemaid blues  (Read 13045 times)

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Poppea

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #15 on: December 02, 2013, 08:35:00 PM »
Several years ago I was dating my DH.  He was from a different state.  He convinced me to come spend the summer in his town, which I did.  This was the summer of his brother's wedding.  My then boyfriends mother (I discovered later) insisted I be a part of the wedding party.  This was to be a HUGE wedding, with everything.  I was reluctant to be involved at this level, but consented.  Bridezilla (who was a virtual stranger to me) was not happy about this and punished me in many ways.  I was excluded from all but one bridal party photograph.  I was asked to sit away from the family during the actual ceremony.  I had to pay for my expensive dress (everyone else's was paid for). I had to sit with strangers at both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding party.  I did not stand in the receiving line.  I was humiliated to say the least.  Years later my sister-in-law is no longer friends with any of the other bridesmaids but I am still a member of that family.  Needless to say, we settled in a different part of the country, partially as a result of my poor treatment.  What I learned here and hope to pass on to you youngsters, is don't allow yourself to get railroaded into something is personal as this.  I have never been able to reconcile myself to this terrible treatment by my SIL and have never had a relationship with her.  All because my MIL wanted to include me in the festivities.
The whole story seems off to me.
it almost seems like it was the brides brother who insisted because so many of these things could have been resolved by the MOB.
I would assume the MOB would be aware of which BM dresses would have been paid for and could have stepped in to pay for the GF's dress if she had wanted the GF'S as part of the wedding.
Same with the seating chart for the rehearsal dinner.
I'm sort of sympathetic with the bride on the wedding picture issue.  Having a sibling's old significant other in all of your bridal party pictures can be irritataing. And since the couple wasn't engaged there was no strong assurance she would always be part of the family.
The MOB could have also invited the GF into the receiving line but I wonder if all of the wedding party was in the receiving line or just the MOH and best man and the immediate families.
I've not been to a wedding where the bridal party sits with the family, so can't figure out that complaint.


It sounds like you were reading an entirely different story altogether.... ???


OP has said that she found out it was MOB MOG who pushed for her to be included, so why do you think her now BIL insisted


As to the rest, I have no idea if the rest of the bridal party sat together at the rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception.  Or if the rest of the bridal party was in the receiving line, so I can't speak to those.  OP can we get an update.


Edited to fix MOB to MOG

Update to story...sorry to be late in coming back... Anyway, to clarify, it was very formal wedding with a big sit down dinner...think "wedding" in Godfather movie.  The entire wedding party sans OP (me) sat at one large table. 
And to clarify other commenters confusion...the MIL saw that I was serious with son #2, and could see the writing on the wall.  She was just trying to be inclusive.  Bridezilla was also ugly to me in other ways at the time, saying to me at the wedding mass (Catholic) "You cannot take communion!"  She had no firsthand knowledge what religion I was or wasn't at the time of the comment.  She was just being snarky.  Also, at the photo shoot, she made me stand aside, obviously humiliating me, since several of the other party tried to coax me into photos, not realizing the situation.  I was young, 21, and was raised to smile and not make problems so I kept my mouth shut, and just silently endured all of this.    I wish I had never been in this wedding as it caused me so much pain and created a huge situation that made it impossible for me to EVER have a relationship with my only SIL.  All because me future MIL was trying to include me.  She probably thought that bridzilla and I would bond over this.

Except it was not your future MIL's role to include you in someone else's wedding.  The birdie was horribly rude, but I would have been royally pissed if my MIL tried to strong arm me into including a virtual stranger as a bridesmaid.  I would have just said no. 

Its possible that one of the reasons your SIL is not close to your MIL is that she may still be pissed that she was pressured into having a stranger in her wedding party.  Your MIL has a serious problem with boundries.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2013, 08:45:05 PM by Poppea »

EllenS

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #16 on: December 02, 2013, 11:47:08 PM »
Look, this was several years ago?
Yes, SIL's behavior was nasty, but unless this is part of an continuing pattern, I really don't understand why this is causing you ongoing pain or made it "impossible to have a relationship with your SIL".

If you wish to have a relationship with SIL, you are perfectly capable of pursuing one. You could, you know, forgive her, or try to understand her situation, or try to talk to her about how you felt so awkward, too.

I mean, if you just can't stand the woman and don't want a relationship with her, that is understandable.  But it's not like one bad day is going to spoil all your relationships if you don't let it. You are an actor in this story, too.  You have choices.

TurtleDove

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2013, 01:50:34 AM »
I agree with EllenS. I think the MIL was out of line to "force" the SIL to include the OP in the wedding party. Sure, the OP did eventually marry her BF, but at the time of the wedding the OP was a 21 year old stranger to the bride and groom. It sounds like the bride was less than polite, but I can understand not wanting the OP in pictures of my wedding when neither I nor my groom knew her and she was not even engaged to anyone in the family. OP, I think you should let this go. If there is so e other reason you don't want a relationship with your SIL, well, okay, but based on this situation I would find it silly to spend a lifetime upset and with no relationship with my SIL.

iridaceae

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #18 on: December 03, 2013, 07:45:23 AM »
Look, this was several years ago?
Yes, SIL's behavior was nasty, but unless this is part of an continuing pattern, I really don't understand why this is causing you ongoing pain or made it "impossible to have a relationship with your SIL".

If you wish to have a relationship with SIL, you are perfectly capable of pursuing one. You could, you know, forgive her, or try to understand her situation, or try to talk to her about how you felt so awkward, too.

I mean, if you just can't stand the woman and don't want a relationship with her, that is understandable.  But it's not like one bad day is going to spoil all your relationships if you don't let it. You are an actor in this story, too.  You have choices.
Well maybe it's impossible because the SIL has decreed it so.

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #19 on: December 03, 2013, 08:24:36 AM »
I agree with EllenS. I think the MIL was out of line to "force" the SIL to include the OP in the wedding party. Sure, the OP did eventually marry her BF, but at the time of the wedding the OP was a 21 year old stranger to the bride and groom. It sounds like the bride was less than polite, but I can understand not wanting the OP in pictures of my wedding when neither I nor my groom knew her and she was not even engaged to anyone in the family. OP, I think you should let this go. If there is so e other reason you don't want a relationship with your SIL, well, okay, but based on this situation I would find it silly to spend a lifetime upset and with no relationship with my SIL.

While I understand the SIL was also in a bad situation, she really should have pushed back against her MIL and not invited the OP to be in the bridal party. That's on her. Agreeing to include her and then treating her like a pariah was not one of the options. The only way that I could ever have a relationship with a person like that is if she apologized. If she admitted that she was wrong and apologized to the OP for her treatment of her, then and only then would I find it feasible to forge a relationship. Sure, the OP could be the "bigger person" and forget about it, but why? The SIL doesn't seem to have given any indication that she is a person worth putting that effort forth to have a relationship with.

TurtleDove

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #20 on: December 03, 2013, 08:43:28 AM »
Well, under that theory the OP should have refused to stand up in the wedding of people she didn't know. For me, I would let this to and forge a relationship with my now SIL. Holding a grudge does no good, and unless there is a cut direct the OP and the SIL will be in contact for the rest of their lives. For me, I would want to make this less tense rather than hold my ground of "I was so wronged!" Frankly, if anyone owes anyone an apology the first ones to come to mind would be MIL to OP and MIl to SIL. I am wondering whether the OP is okay with her MIL now?

EllenS

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #21 on: December 03, 2013, 04:37:29 PM »
It is OP's choice if she does not want to pursue a relationship with SIL. Certainly I would not second-guess that decision, SIL may be a royal Wicked Witch in every circumstance, for all I know.

However, it is not reasonable to A) refuse to pursue a relationship and simultaneously B) bemoan the fact that you have no relationship.  It is also unreasonable to believe that one, single, awkward day and the bad feeling it may have engendered make it "impossible" for her to have a warm relationship with her inlaws.

Life is not like "Cold Comfort Farm" - just because you saw "something nasty in the woodshed" does not mean you are forever cursed/doomed.

*inviteseller

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #22 on: December 03, 2013, 07:48:21 PM »
SIL could have either pushed back at MIL or kindly taken OP aside and said "Listen, this is on our MIL..I really don't have room for another bridesmaid, and I doubt you want to be part of this big wedding with people you don't know so let's just ignore MIL and forget her idea."  Instead she acted rudely to OP, who was put in an uncomfortable position.  SIL could also have tried to be nice after the wedding...my guess is she didn't feel the need for a relationship with OP so there is none.

TurtleDove

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #23 on: December 03, 2013, 08:05:41 PM »
At the time of the wedding though, SIL was not likely clairvoyant that the OP would become her SIL. I still think the beef, for both the OP and SIL, is with MIL.

Poppea

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #24 on: December 08, 2013, 10:55:45 PM »
I don't even understand why anyone would accept and invitation to be in your boyfriends brother's fiance's wedding party.  ALso why be mad when this stranger makes you buy your own dress?  You weren't a friend or relative of the bride.  Paying for the bridesmaid's dress is pretty standard.  If the bride wished to pay for the dresses of the bridesmaids she chose thats a really nice thing.  No reason she should spend a dime on the bridesmaid that was forced on her.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #25 on: December 09, 2013, 06:47:58 PM »
I don't even understand why anyone would accept and invitation to be in your boyfriends brother's fiance's wedding party.  ALso why be mad when this stranger makes you buy your own dress?  You weren't a friend or relative of the bride.  Paying for the bridesmaid's dress is pretty standard.  If the bride wished to pay for the dresses of the bridesmaids she chose thats a really nice thing.  No reason she should spend a dime on the bridesmaid that was forced on her.

I can seeing accepting the invitation in a bid to try to not create waves.  I also disagree that the bridesmaid was "forced" on her; she could have just as easily declined to issue the invitation.
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Poppea

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #26 on: December 19, 2013, 02:56:11 PM »
I don't even understand why anyone would accept and invitation to be in your boyfriends brother's fiance's wedding party.  ALso why be mad when this stranger makes you buy your own dress?  You weren't a friend or relative of the bride.  Paying for the bridesmaid's dress is pretty standard.  If the bride wished to pay for the dresses of the bridesmaids she chose thats a really nice thing.  No reason she should spend a dime on the bridesmaid that was forced on her.

I can seeing accepting the invitation in a bid to try to not create waves.  I also disagree that the bridesmaid was "forced" on her; she could have just as easily declined to issue the invitation.

Your reasoning works for both of the ladies.  The bride accepted the gf in order to not create waves, but the GF could have just as easily declined.

Twik

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #27 on: December 19, 2013, 03:17:35 PM »
Quote
...the MIL saw that I was serious with son #2, and could see the writing on the wall.  She was just trying to be inclusive.

That's not her job. Seriously. The only way she can have a say if you're a bridesmaid is if it's her wedding.

I can see why SIL was upset. It doesn't justify her rudeness, but wow. Being told, "Hi, here's a total stranger, she WILL be in your wedding party," is a pretty big step over personal boundaries.

This is why having a steely spine ends up being less trouble in the long run.
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Emmy

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #28 on: December 20, 2013, 01:45:11 AM »
The OP says she later found out that her boyfriend's mother insisted she be in the wedding.  That makes me wonder if the bride asked the OP to be in the wedding.  I can see it being a bit unusual for somebody you barely know to ask you to be in the wedding party, but the OP may have saw it as the chance to get close to her boyfriend's family and/or thought participating in a wedding would be fun even if she was a bit reluctant. 

My question is who actually asked OP to be in the wedding, SIL or FMIL?  If the bride asked OP to be in the wedding and treated her like garbage because she was resentful of that decision, that was very rude and nasty.  If her FMIL was pressuring her to include OP, she should have either stood up to FMIL and not include OP or treated OP kindly if she decided to make her part of the wedding party.  There is no excuse to treat the OP badly in that situation.  If FMIL told OP that she was part of the wedding party, I have a bit more sympathy for the bride, although I still think the way she treated OP was unfair and nasty.  If this was the case, the bride should have gently explained the situation to OP and let her know that FMIL made a mistake and she was not in the wedding party (or just treated OP kindly if she didn't want to confront her). 

I also think FMIL is rude and her pushing for her own way during the her son and FDIL's wedding was the catalyst to OP's bad relationship with SIL.  Why would she insist the bride have his brother's girlfriend as one of her attendants?  I can't imagine the bride would have included you unless FMIL put extreme pressure on her to do so.  It was terribly unfair for her to put the bride in that position.  Did she know how the bride was treating you?  Why did she insist you be in this wedding, but not pony up for the expenses?  An expensive bridesmaid dress is a lot of money for anybody, but especially 21 year olds, many of which don't have full time jobs.

I can see the bride not wanting a stranger in most of the pictures.  I also don't think she was under obligation to pay for OP's dress, even if she paid for the others.  However, I can see why the OP felt left out and unwelcome.  I still the bride should have either accepted OP as part of the bridal party and included her or she should have polished her spine and said 'no' to her being in the wedding party.  She took the easy way out by appeasing her FMIL, yet treating the OP like dirt.  From the details of this story, SIL does not sound like she is a kind person.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Bridemaid blues
« Reply #29 on: December 23, 2013, 06:50:20 PM »
I don't even understand why anyone would accept and invitation to be in your boyfriends brother's fiance's wedding party.  ALso why be mad when this stranger makes you buy your own dress?  You weren't a friend or relative of the bride.  Paying for the bridesmaid's dress is pretty standard.  If the bride wished to pay for the dresses of the bridesmaids she chose thats a really nice thing.  No reason she should spend a dime on the bridesmaid that was forced on her.

I can seeing accepting the invitation in a bid to try to not create waves.  I also disagree that the bridesmaid was "forced" on her; she could have just as easily declined to issue the invitation.

Your reasoning works for both of the ladies.  The bride accepted the gf in order to not create waves, but the GF could have just as easily declined.

That's my point.  Your post seemed to be laying the blame on the OP for accepting; I was pointing out that the blame could have easily also been placed on the bride for asking.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.