How to best announce a change of future parties due to bad behavior?

[WillyNilly]

I find it frustrating when posters come with a problem and posters point out a kind of obvious underlying issue only to have the OP refuse to even consider the whole foundation might be a bit shaky.  The OP here is talking about a free party that, no matter how common it is, still isn't free.  She also passively let's guest's know she would like them to chip in but insists aggressively that they owe her.  I am sorry but wherever she is, some of this situation has been created by her.  If it is common to charge people - fine.  Then describe it as a party that costs $10.  Don't tell gguests you'd like them to help, tell them the cost is $10.  If they show up and don't pay at that point then they do indeed owe $10.  You have made expectations clear. Trying to clarify and collect after the fact frustrates them, frustrates OP, frustrates everyone.

I don't get where the OP wasn't clear about the charge, though. And the fact that it is only these two people who have not paid suggests that the problem lies with them and not with the OP's communication method.

I agree, Fluer.  I just went back to reread the original post.  The only reference to free was in the last paragraph when she states free food, beverages, and entertainment.  The only thing I could come up with is that she said she requested they contribute for room rental is they attend.  I guess she could have said it was required instead if suggest, but those could be translation issues. I'm also suprised that more people didn't immediately grasp that the OP was outside of the US when she states " amount equivalent to $10".  To me that is a definate indicator someone is converting currency.

Being able to figure out that she's in another country in no way shape or form lets us know charging for parties is the norm her area though.  People charge at the door at parties in the US all the time.  Its still considered rude and tacky here.  Its done, its just not done by people with any class. So really knowing that its an accepted, and normal and not rude practice in her area is the important and missing info from the OP, not simply where the OP is located.  Even if it said "I'm in Denmark..." and then nothing else different she would have been jumped on for calling a $10 party "free" and the charge itself being party of the problem.

Not to mention, while it might be the norm in her country, she tells us it is not the norm in her social circle. 


And OP I do think you should take that as a lesson.  Several posters here found you unclear.  You found that frustrating.  Well maybe your friends found you unclear in your invite and hence your frustration now.

[Hmmmmm]

I find it frustrating when posters come with a problem and posters point out a kind of obvious underlying issue only to have the OP refuse to even consider the whole foundation might be a bit shaky.  The OP here is talking about a free party that, no matter how common it is, still isn't free.  She also passively let's guest's know she would like them to chip in but insists aggressively that they owe her.  I am sorry but wherever she is, some of this situation has been created by her.  If it is common to charge people - fine.  Then describe it as a party that costs $10.  Don't tell guests you'd like them to help, tell them the cost is $10.  If they show up and don't pay at that point then they do indeed owe $10.  You have made expectations clear. Trying to clarify and collect after the fact frustrates them, frustrates OP, frustrates everyone.

I don't get where the OP wasn't clear about the charge, though. And the fact that it is only these two people who have not paid suggests that the problem lies with them and not with the OP's communication method.

I agree, Fluer.  I just went back to reread the original post.  The only reference to free was in the last paragraph when she states free food, beverages, and entertainment.  The only thing I could come up with is that she said she requested they contribute for room rental is they attend.  I guess she could have said it was required instead if suggest, but those could be translation issues. I'm also surprised that more people didn't immediately grasp that the OP was outside of the US when she states " amount equivalent to $10".  To me that is a definite indicator someone is converting currency.

Being able to figure out that she's in another country in no way shape or form lets us know charging for parties is the norm her area though.  People charge at the door at parties in the US all the time.  Its still considered rude and tacky here.  Its done, its just not done by people with any class. So really knowing that its an accepted, and normal and not rude practice in her area is the important and missing info from the OP, not simply where the OP is located.  Even if it said "I'm in Denmark..." and then nothing else different she would have been jumped on for calling a $10 party "free" and the charge itself being party of the problem.

Not to mention, while it might be the norm in her country, she tells us it is not the norm in her social circle. 


And OP I do think you should take that as a lesson.  Several posters here found you unclear.  You found that frustrating.  Well maybe your friends found you unclear in your invite and hence your frustration now.

But it wasn't asked if it was common in her area, it was just assumed that it wasn't an acceptable practice.  And many posters have stated that they replied based on the belief she was in the US. 

I also accept that English might not be her first language and translation can be an issue so while some of her writings on this board in English to a primarily US audience might be confusing, I would assume her invite was to friends who spoke a common language and wouldn't jump to a conclusion that her invite was unclear. 

And Sparksal, saying equivalent to $10 would indicate to me she was not in ANY country that uses dollars as a monetary standard because she is converting to dollars.  You are right that I assumed she meant she was converting her currency to US dollars but your right, she could have as easily meant that she was converting AU $.  But as many posters pointed out, this is a US centric board and without indicators stating otherwise (like saying you are converting currency to dollars) we assume US as the default. 

[MariaE]

But it wasn't asked if it was common in her area, it was just assumed that it wasn't an acceptable practice.  And many posters have stated that they replied based on the belief she was in the US.

Exactly. Why not ask "Is that the norm where you are?" instead of just jumping straight to "You can't do that! That's rude!" without first checking if it actually is?

Seems very judgmental to me.

[Cheesy Dane]

Where do you read that I have been passive in my request for money and aggressive in collecting it?!?!

I seriously cannot believe the conclusions some of you jump to.

And I did not think to specify every little detail that may have had relevance - how could I know that the money issue would raise so many hackles?
Yes I got defensive, but I honestly hadn't expected this response.

In my invitation I wrote: I ask you all to pay me xx amount to cover the rent of the room - you can either pay beforehand or give me cash at the party.
I'm not sure how much clearer I could have been?

Of course I thank those who offered co structive critisism to the question I actually raised. Saying I "high-fived those who agreed with me" makes it sound as though I did something terribly uncouth.

I don't want to defend myself further.
Thank you, in earnest, to those who read what I wrote and took your time to reply.

[miranova]

I did read what you wrote.  You wrote that potlucks are the norm for your area.  You did not write that it was normal to charge for a party.  Other people came along and said that it might be normal in your country, but I don't have the habit of believing a "maybe" from another poster over a definite description from the actual OP.  I always like to wait for the actual OP to confirm before changing my answer.  And you said potlucks were the norm.

If that wording is indeed what you wrote in the invitation, then yes your intentions to collect money were clear.  However, you wrote something quite different in a previous post that was definitely open to interpretation.  I understand you were probably just paraphrasing at the time, but we aren't mind readers and we were answering based on what YOU posted.  In your previous wording, it sounded much less clear that you were expecting a definite payment from each guest and not just a suggested amount that was optional.

In any event, no matter how clear you were, you have had trouble 2 prior years in actually collecting the money.  That to me says that this is not working, regardless of it being culturally acceptable. 

[miranova]

To the larger issue of cultural acceptability of certain practices, I do think it's the responsibility of the person who knows the relevant information to disclose it, and not the responsibility of the general board as a whole to ask if something is missing.

[wheeitsme]

I kind of find it a little fascinating that something like hiring a "hall" and passing the charge on to the guests is the norm where the OP is.  It made me think about the kind of things our individual social mores balk at and are okay with depending on the society you are familiar with.

I like the idea of the OP going back to a pot luck so that she can host the hall instead of the food.  I'm sure your friends appreciate the extra room and since they are already okay with the idea of pot luck, I agree that it seems like the best way to deal (or not have to deal) with the hall charges.

I don't think you need to say much about the change in food.  But if you do, why not just say something about how you've missed the variety and fun of the pot luck?

[cass2591]

Thread locked because OP flounced from her own thread.