P/A Christmas Card

[MamaMootz]

I don't know how much detail I've gone into about my father's girlfriend, but she is one of the reasons that I find him so toxic. I cannot stand the woman. She is rude, has no boundaries, and says very outrageous things. I can give some background examples but let's just say that the last one after my daughter was born was the one that broke the camel's back.

I am a fat woman and I'm not denying that. However, when my DD was born and I was recovering, she stopped by the house and told me that my baby was too fat and I needed to watch out or she was going to grow up to be just as fat as I am. Aside from the fact that I just gave birth, was hormonal, and already had a lot of fears about teaching my baby healthy habits, this resulted in a cut direct for her and subsequently my father when he backed her up.

After a year, Dad and I reached a truce that was a made a bit easier by the fact that we lived literally across the country from both of them for the past 7 years. End B/G.

We moved back in October and she keeps trying to get together with us and pretend that nothing ever happened. My husband refuses to be in the same room with her and was livid a few weeks ago when we went to meet Dad at the mall and he had her with him (no, he didn't tell us first). So we were forced into seeing her and so was our daughter.

In today's mail, I received a Christmas card from her - guess what is on the cover? Santa Claus dining out with Mrs. Claus while she says "Just bring him a salad - he's on the Chimney Watchers Diet".  I'm hurt by the card and offended that she would send it.  First, am I reading something into it that isn't there or is this a direct insult? I don't think I am but my dislike colors a lot of interactions I have with her.

My question is how do I handle this going forward? Obviously I'm not going to acknowledge the card or let her know how hurt I am by it, since that will only play into her hand. I feel like I have a responsibility to myself and my daughter not to let her toxicity and remarks get to either of us, and this is especially important now that DD is 10 and is starting to be very sensitive about everything.

I can try to have a come to Deity meeting with Dad, but don't know how successful that's going to be. I suspect it may be time for another cut. I was hoping it wasn't going to turn out this way but I don't see any alternatives if the come to Deity meeting doesn't work. Ideas?

[Sharnita]

Well, it is a mass produced card, if I understand correctly.  She can claim you are misreading the intent even if you aren't.  I would not say anything to your dad about this.

[JenJay]

Does it look like the kind of card that comes in packs and that's what she sent to everyone, or do you think she made a point of hand picking it for you?

If it's the former I'd privately roll my eyes and drop it. If it's the latter, depending on how big a statement you want to make, you could send it back to her with a note that says "Harassment about my weight is why I stopped speaking to you to begin with. I don't know why you'd send me this card, but it was not appreciated. Do not contact me again."

[MamaMootz]

@JenJay, no this was an individual card picked out just for me. It's not one of those that comes in packs.

I don't plan on saying anything to my dad about the card at all. But I do need to address him ambushing us with her. None of us wants to see her, talk to her, or interact with her. This is also why my child is never spending the night with them. Ever.

[Amava]

Ask yourself:
is she worth your energy and attention?
is this card worthy of a reaction?

I would flatly ignore it. But if you do meet her again, the first snarky thing she says about your weight or about whatever she feels like criticising, especially in front of your daughter (or about your daughter!): that is the moment to tell both her and your dad it's not on and you're not going to stand for it.

Edited to add: Or yes, better yet, be proactive and tell your dad never to ambush you like that again. If you don't want to see her, you don't want to see her. That's your right.

[Hmmmmm]

Actually, I would send the card off to your father telling him that based on the last blow up she is either mean, completely insensitive or just plain stupid but you will not have anything to do with her.  And if he tries to force a relationship he will be removed from your lives. 

[TurtleDove]

I think you are reading into this, but even if the GF intended it as a jab, don't let her know it "worked."  If your weight bothers you, or your daughter's weight bothers you, do something about it.  But don't allow the GF to play any role in this decision. Be blissful and stupid (quickly becoming a go-to phrase for me to have a happy life).  Blissfully assume she is not trying to harm you and just thought it was a funny card (not my style of humor, but I highly doubt it was intended to be offensive and it does not offend me).  Don't waste your energy trying to figure out if she is getting a jab in, and dont' waste your energy upset about what she thinks about you if you do not value her opinion.

[MamaMootz]

I think you are reading into this, but even if the GF intended it as a jab, don't let her know it "worked."  If your weight bothers you, or your daughter's weight bothers you, do something about it.  But don't allow the GF to play any role in this decision. Be blissful and stupid (quickly becoming a go-to phrase for me to have a happy life).  Blissfully assume she is not trying to harm you and just thought it was a funny card (not my style of humor, but I highly doubt it was intended to be offensive and it does not offend me).  Don't waste your energy trying to figure out if she is getting a jab in, and dont' waste your energy upset about what she thinks about you if you do not value her opinion.

Thanks, Turtle Dove. I'll admit that my weight bothers me and I am doing something about it, but there is a long backstory with it, toxic behaviors and eating disorder that I didn't put in here because it's a very long story. But I am sensitive about weight comments and she knows it. If it wasn't downright mean, it was at the very least quite insensitive of her to send me this card.

My daughter, thankfully, takes after my husband and is thin but she is built like me with a large frame. I just don't want any toxicity coming her way about what she *might be* someday based on me, if that makes sense.

[SPuck]

I'd say if you want immediate relief you could destroy the card in the most destructive way possible.

As for moving forward, do you want a relationship with your father? It sounds like you won't be getting one with out the girl friend.

[yokozbornak]

I would reach the same conclusion as you based on past history, but that doesn't mean we are correct.  She may have been making a statement or it may have just been a bad choice in cards.

I think the real question is what are you getting out of a relationship with her? It sounds like the only thing is hurt and angst.  Based on that alone, I think it's fine to let your dad know that you are uncomfortable with her and don't want to spend time with her.  Then let him proceed as he sees fit. 

Also, as someone who has always struggled with my weight, I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from.  In the last couple of years, I have finally been able to lose and am working on maintaining.  Finally cutting out some toxic people who caused me nothing but hurt and anxiety has really helped me stop eating my way through my emotions.

[onyonryngs]

There was no way that wasn't intended as a jab.  She knew what prefaced the previous cut direct and did it again anyway.  I would tell your father that as she has not changed and you can't pretend everything is "normal" when the issues were never addressed in the first place, that you have no choice but to discontinue seeing either one of them until apologies are made she makes a very great effort on her part to change.

[bloo]

Mamamootz, I think not responding to or about the card is the correct way to go.

You've given enough backstory, to me, that this was a jab at you.

Beautifully done by her as if you did bring up the issue with either your father or her, she'd just throw up her hands and say, "What's she complaining about now?! I was trying to do something nice! It's just a joke on the card!"

She gets to look like the 'victim'. GF -1 / MamaMootz - 0

Going forward is tricky in a situation where you still want a relationship with your Dad. But, really, the problem is your Dad. He picked a person for a companion that wants to poison your relationship with your Dad. He buys into it. He supports her but gets to look like the 'good guy' because it's not actually him doing these mean things to you.

I'm a big believer in keeping toxic people (AND their enablers) out of my life. If you've reached your threshold and you've already done a cut-off in the past, I don't see where another 'come-to-deity' meeting is going to be worthwhile but there would be nothing wrong with giving it a try before just going silent in the relationship.

Keep the mental and emotional health of your kid(s) as a focus and every interaction from here on out, question 'what effect will this have on my kids?' That will give you a pretty good idea of how to deal with these people as things evolve.

[weeblewobble]

I wouldn't respond to the card.  She's trying to stir up trouble.  I think this is her way of saying that no matter what truce you've made with dad, she's going to say whatever she wants.  I would keep this harpy as far away from my daughter as humanly possible.  Then again, I would also consider launching her into space like a satellite if the resources are available.

Make it clear to your dad that continued contact with you and your family is contingent on you NOT having contact with this toxic woman.  This means no visits to your home if she is with him, no visits to his home if she is there, no "ambushes" in which you meet dad somewhere and he doesn't tell you she will be there.  If he can't handle that or tells you that you are being unreasonable, restate that those are your terms and it is his choice whether he can meet them.

[Amara]

Going forward is tricky in a situation where you still want a relationship with your Dad. But, really, the problem is your Dad. He picked a person for a companion that wants to poison your relationship with your Dad. He buys into it. He supports her but gets to look like the 'good guy' because it's not actually him doing these mean things to you.

I agree with bloo; the problem is your Dad here. Sure, the GF is the one actually performing the acts but she is wholly supported by your father. Not in a kind of "rah rah" way, but the fact that he continues to be with her and not say anything. He has, in essence, chosen sides.

I find that terribly sad, that his daughter, in his view, is not worth protecting from vicious jabs. He is doing it passively by either not choosing to be aware of what GF is saying or doing, or he agrees with her, even unconsciously.

Telling him about the card would be useless. I think you need to accept that they are a pair and that neither her treatment of you nor his passive acceptance of it is going to change. If that is indeed true, then the only thing you can control is your reaction to this. Do you want to do a cut direct of both, or is there something else that will give you the serenity you seek?

[NyaChan]

Regardless of what this card means, I don't think this is a person you are ever going to enjoy.  This is someone whose every action and word to you is likely going to be taken, due to your history with her, in a bad way.  That is a direct result of her consistent bad behavior and not on you.  There is a person who I have figured out that no matter how much time passes, I can never forgive enough or forget enough of their behavior to enable a cordial relationship - if I have to see that person, it is always going to be stressful and put me on edge.  I think your stepmother is that person for you and you are right to consider putting her out of your life permanently.