P/A Christmas Card

[GrammarNerd]

I would say it was a jab, just because she knew what caused the first cutoff.  It was a comment about your weight.  So, IF she wants a good relationship and wanted to extend the proverbial olive branch, what ON EARTH would possess her to send you a card that deals in any way with weight, even if it's a joke?  There are SO many generic cards out there, so I just come to the conclusion that she had to have an agenda to choose this specific one.

So at the most, she was trying to bait you and insult you, and at the least, she's an insensitive idiot.  You don't need to be around either type of person.  Because even if she's an insensitive idiot, you'd still be on your guard around her.

I'd let your dad make the next move.  Let him contact you.  Be polite but don't mention the GF or the card.  If he wants to ever meet in person, then you can make it clear that you will meet him only, and you will leave if he tries to ambush you with GF again.

[learningtofly]

That card was awful.  Had she thought the meet-up at the mall went well and had she thought to send you a card of any kind, the time was a few weeks ago right after the meet-up.  By waiting until new year's to send this she was getting in a jab.  What a nasty woman.

[ettiquit]

Definitely don't respond and increase your efforts of avoiding her.  She wants a response to that.

Also, I love this:

Be blissful and stupid.

Sounds like a good new year's resolution for me!

[Calypso]

I wasn't a big fan of Dr. Laura, but I did listen to her show once in a while and a recurring motif was that a lot of men will put their girlfriends over their children, especially their adult children, as the price of getting some.

So, the real question is, how much does your Dad want a relationship with you and his grandchild, when weighed against how much he wants a bed partner?

You can't make him have the priorities you want him to have. He hasn't been standing up to GF for 10+ years (except, evidently, he's decided not to marry her------I wonder how much that bothers her?)----and I doubt he'll start now.

I agree with the posters who said don't respond in any way to the card. Let her think it got lost in the mail.
As for a come to deity meeting with your Dad----if you want him in your life at all, even a little, think long and hard before going there. Because, he might just make the wrong choice.

[Kaypeep]

I agree the card was a deliberate move on GF's part.  But I think you are better off ignoring it and not giving her any satisfaction at all.  As for your dad, I'd speak to him and remind him that you are still holding firm on not wanting GF in the picture, and that her presence at the last meet up made you very uncomfortable and you don't want a repeat of such a meeting again.  if you meet your dad with DH again, I'd have DH go ahead to scout things out, then call or text you if the coast is clear.  If it's not, he should leave as well and then you can call your dad and let him know that his disregard for your wishes means you can't meet him anymore.  Sad, but I think totally necessary.

[Roe]

Ignore the vile card.  Destroy it if it makes you feel better. Or better yet, burn it while doing the evil laugh. 

As far as the ambush, I'd bring it up to your dad and if he pulls that again, just leave them standing there. 

[Redneck Gravy]

As far as the ambush, I'd bring it up to your dad and if he pulls that again, just leave them standing there.

POD

And I would mention the card to him and tell him that you think she is an insensitive ogre for mentioning your weight and you prefer it not happen again.  If he mentions it to her, she will claim you have no sense of humor, took it wrong...whatever, you can't win but you can put him on notice that you will not tolerate this any more.  The woman is a bully - what else would you call it?

[Calypso]

The GF isn't worth much, but, really, I'd be a lot angrier at my Dad if I were in the OP's shoes. He brought her into the family, so to speak, and he's tolerating her treatment of his daughter.
I'd probably also (if I were the OP) displace my anger towards the GF---because it's just too darn scary to get mad at one's Dad.

[bloo]

The GF isn't worth much, but, really, I'd be a lot angrier at my Dad if I were in the OP's shoes. He brought her into the family, so to speak, and he's tolerating her treatment of his daughter.
I'd probably also (if I were the OP) displace my anger towards the GF---because it's just too darn scary to get mad at one's Dad.

Yep. Saw that over and over in DH's family. Due to his parents remarriages, DH has numerous siblings (step, adopted, half).

Most of the chaos is on his bio-Dad's side.

In my 20+ years with DH I've been witness to wives and mistresses and girlfriends coming and going and I usually observed a sibling from one of the previous relationships giving the stinkeye or attitude to a current girlfriend, wife or newest sibling-type person.

But never any attitude to the bio-dad.

Same cycle, different people.

Mamamootz I'd still not discuss the card with either of them but any issues should be handled with your Dad. He bears the lion's share of the responsibility in this whole, sad situation.

[Piratelvr1121]

The GF isn't worth much, but, really, I'd be a lot angrier at my Dad if I were in the OP's shoes. He brought her into the family, so to speak, and he's tolerating her treatment of his daughter.
I'd probably also (if I were the OP) displace my anger towards the GF---because it's just too darn scary to get mad at one's Dad.

Same here, it's him who is choosing the vile gf over his daughter, and I'd be hurt more by the father who would rather be with that nasty piece of work than stick up for his child.

Do you have a fireplace Mamamootz? I bet the card would make for good kindle.

[Autumn Rose]

Ignore the card.

Make no contact with your dad.

When he does call you, tell him in no uncertain terms:

"Dad, I love you.   I want to have a relationship with you.   I understand and respect that you are with ***.
However, I dont love her.   I dont want a relationship with her.   Should you wish to see me, you will need to do so alone".

At this point, it really is up to your dad...

((HUGS))

[postalslave]

Ignore the card.

Make no contact with your dad.

When he does call you, tell him in no uncertain terms:

"Dad, I love you.   I want to have a relationship with you.   I understand and respect that you are with ***.
However, I dont love her.   I dont want a relationship with her.   Should you wish to see me, you will need to do so alone".

At this point, it really is up to your dad...

((HUGS))

I agree with this. The wording to "Dad" is perfect if he does call.

The only thing I would do differently is burn the card. Seriously, set that hate card on fire. 

[MamaMootz]

Hi, OP here.

You have all hit it on the head, I think.

For those of you that are saying that he chooses her side over mine, yes to a point. He does whatever is easiest for him. Part of the problem is that I know he agrees with her about my weight. He has always been horrified by fat people. He also hates conflict so very much that even if I brought up that I was upset about anything with her, he would prefer to sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist so that he doesn't have to weather any conflict between her and I. He's an ostrich. So while he might understand why I'm upset, he wouldn't do anything about it, regardless of what she did or said.

I have come to accept that he cares about me as much as he can, but he has a lot of issues that I can't fix. I can't change him, but only the way I react to him (and her). She is an extension of him and he chooses to live with her. I do not.

I have decided not to bring up the card at all.  No point. I burned it yesterday in the kitchen sink and that felt pretty good. I think from now on any envelopes that come to us from her are just going to get automatically tossed. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. I'm trying to focus on more positive things this year.

What needs to be addressed with him is the ambushing.  I am planning on sitting down with him after our final move this weekend and just telling him  no more ambushes or we leave. Period. And I know he will try it again so we need to follow through.

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

[MrTango]

I'd say if you want immediate relief you could destroy the card in the most destructive way possible.

This was my first thought.  I suggest fire.  Fire can be very cathartic.

\Of course, be safe about it!

[JenJay]

Ignore the card.

Make no contact with your dad.

When he does call you, tell him in no uncertain terms:

"Dad, I love you.   I want to have a relationship with you.   I understand and respect that you are with ***.
However, I dont love her.   I dont want a relationship with her.   Should you wish to see me, you will need to do so alone".

At this point, it really is up to your dad...

((HUGS))

This is excellent!

As to the update - That sounds like a very good plan. Best wishes!!