Author Topic: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)  (Read 22525 times)

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greencat

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Re: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)
« Reply #105 on: January 02, 2013, 12:01:58 PM »
So she doesn't want to be a grandma.  Your child will grow up thinking that to be "normal" as it will be how her grandmother acts to her.
You are expecting a certain behavior from MIL...so stop that.  Treat her as she wishes to be treated. As long as she is civil and not disrespectful, let it be.

Actually, the child will not grow up thinking it is normal - up to a point, maybe, but grandmothers are regularly portrayed in the media as loving, and when she starts interacting with her friends' families, she'll probably see something more like the media portrayal than what she's getting at home.  Then the issues will start.

Far better to not expose the child to MIL at all, and explain to her when she's old enough to question her absence that MIL is unable to visit.  It is also possible that by then she might have come down off her snitfit and decided that she does want to be a loving grandmother after all.



gramma dishes

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Re: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)
« Reply #106 on: January 02, 2013, 12:05:00 PM »
So she doesn't want to be a grandma.  Your child will grow up thinking that to be "normal" as it will be how her grandmother acts to her.
You are expecting a certain behavior from MIL...so stop that.  Treat her as she wishes to be treated. As long as she is civil and not disrespectful, let it be.

Actually, the child will not grow up thinking it is normal - up to a point, maybe, but grandmothers are regularly portrayed in the media as loving, and when she starts interacting with her friends' families, she'll probably see something more like the media portrayal than what she's getting at home.  Then the issues will start.

Far better to not expose the child to MIL at all, and explain to her when she's old enough to question her absence that MIL is unable to visit.  It is also possible that by then she might have come down off her snitfit and decided that she does want to be a loving grandmother after all.

I agree with your (Greencat) whole post, but would add that it is far more likely that she will come out of her snit fit much faster if she realizes that acting like a slightly more "typical, loving" grandmother will get her far more attention, adoration and adulation than ignoring and avoiding this child.

Steve

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Re: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)
« Reply #107 on: January 02, 2013, 03:16:39 PM »
I would like to add that nobody should be expected to be 'like they are in the media', because nobody can. You get the parents, siblings and grandparents you are given, and you deal with them.



ladyknight1

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Re: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)
« Reply #108 on: January 02, 2013, 03:45:40 PM »
I would like to add that nobody should be expected to be 'like they are in the media', because nobody can. You get the parents, siblings and grandparents you are given, and you deal with them.

This is why so many people on this forum have given the cut to those family members.

wolfie

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Re: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)
« Reply #109 on: January 02, 2013, 05:00:35 PM »
So she doesn't want to be a grandma.  Your child will grow up thinking that to be "normal" as it will be how her grandmother acts to her.
You are expecting a certain behavior from MIL...so stop that.  Treat her as she wishes to be treated. As long as she is civil and not disrespectful, let it be.

Actually, the child will not grow up thinking it is normal - up to a point, maybe, but grandmothers are regularly portrayed in the media as loving, and when she starts interacting with her friends' families, she'll probably see something more like the media portrayal than what she's getting at home.  Then the issues will start.


My grandmother is not the typical grandmother you see in the media and I thought our relationship was normal. She was loving in her own way and that was fine with me. I don't think this relationship is but I don't think it is a given that the DD would rebel against it when she gets older. It will be her normal.

aikigirl

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Re: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)
« Reply #110 on: January 02, 2013, 06:42:34 PM »
My grandma didn't like my sisters and me much at all. She was cold and distant. Since we've gotten older we've discovered that we all knew what her attitude was and knew it wasn't "normal". Others in my life were warm, loving and accepting, so her distance really stood out in comparison to them (and she was the only living grandparent, so it wasn't a matter of comparing her to a loving grandparent).

I would have preferred it if she stayed away than the forced, uncomfortable relationship we had. It just made me question what I was doing that made me unlovable and no child should have those thoughts.

greencat

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Re: When the baby comes, family that is completely uninterested (update pg. 6)
« Reply #111 on: January 02, 2013, 07:58:30 PM »
Of course no one's exactly like the media portrayal - but I have known a number of other people's grandparents and my own grandfather* who were pretty close to that.  It was pretty clear to me that my grandmother was not "normal" even as a young child - she wasn't unloving, but she had an untreated mental illness that caused her to periodically pitch a fit about something minor and refuse to see my family for awhile.

*Only dealing with one set of grandparents for the most part, because the other set lived out of state and I can count the times I met them before they passed away on one hand.