Author Topic: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids  (Read 8466 times)

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CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #45 on: July 23, 2013, 12:24:28 PM »
You might emphasize to your parents that you are seriously saving for a house, so you relax with a free activity rather than spending money clubbing, eating out, going to movies, etc. 

It would be helpful to determine the actual cause of their issue with your gaming.  Do they wish you'd get out of the house more, or do they wish you'd spend more interactive time with them?  While you're gaming, are they doing chores?  If so, maybe you need to help more with household maintenance.  Until you've actually been in charge of running a house, it's difficult to understand how much work it is. 

It's hard to live with anybody, and there will always be some contention.  This is just life.

I think it would be fine to nicely ask your dad to stop the bedtime ritual.  Do it sooner rather than later; fix it before your resentment gets too big.
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

padua

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #46 on: July 23, 2013, 01:16:44 PM »

As irritations after moving back in with your parents' go, these are actually pretty minor.

But I think that the other posters have hit the main point. You are no longer children, but when you're living in your parents' house rent free (even while doing chores) you're also no longer an independent adult, even when it was by your parents's invitation. So not getting the same living experience as you do on your own is essentially the price you pay for the free rent.

So from your point of view, you can decide if these minor annoyances are worth it for what you get in exchange, and try to deal with it with good humour, or you can decide that it's not, and take steps to find your own place to live, accepting that it will either take more time to save for a down payment, or that you'll have to find other ways of earning extra money.

In your case, you're lucky in that it *is* a choice. You can afford to live on your own, unlike someone who has moved back due to dire financial straits and has a choice of putting up with the situation or being homeless.

As an aside - there are cases with parents and adult offspring living together where the power balance is different, and the expectations are too. If you're paying market rent, that puts you on a roommate footing rather than a dependent footing. And if you're moving back for the parents' sake (helping an elderly or ill parent, for example) then you're providing something of equal value in exchange for the rent. But free rent vs chores is a decided imbalance, which puts the power balance on the parents' side.

this is everything i wanted to say. paying rent does shift the balance.

doing chores in lieu of rent? playing video games? dad coming in to tell you to 'get to bed'? definitely puts emphasis on roles of child and parent

CakeEater

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #47 on: July 23, 2013, 06:02:20 PM »
Quote
Another possible take on the video game issue: Perhaps it is actually the fact that you are THERE. A lot of the time. Even if you are in your room, you are there. Maybe your parents thought that on weekends and such they might have the house to themselves some of the time and it turns out that isn't the case.

This is an interesting point and might be true. I don't suppose there's another location where you could play video games--even if it's simply your bedroom? I realize it's likely not workable, but it might solve a lot of issues if it were. Even though they'd still know you were doing it... I imagine a lot of where the comments are coming from is just the effect of them constantly *seeing* you doing it. (I agree that they ought to just restrain themselves and not say anything... but sometimes you just can't make that happen.)

I had this thought as well.  If the game playing is happening in shared living space, perhaps your parents would like to make use of that space.

Yvaine

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #48 on: July 23, 2013, 06:05:26 PM »
Example 1. DH and I are avid video game players. We love playing together and with other friends online. We typically play for about 2 hours in the evenings on weekdays. Weekends vary depending on our other activities, but there are some Saturdays where we don't do a lot with our free time other than gaming. We both wear headphones so aside from us talking to each other, there is no noise (we are in our bedroom too, not a common area).

For what it's worth, the gaming is in the bedroom.

CakeEater

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #49 on: July 23, 2013, 06:38:01 PM »
Example 1. DH and I are avid video game players. We love playing together and with other friends online. We typically play for about 2 hours in the evenings on weekdays. Weekends vary depending on our other activities, but there are some Saturdays where we don't do a lot with our free time other than gaming. We both wear headphones so aside from us talking to each other, there is no noise (we are in our bedroom too, not a common area).

For what it's worth, the gaming is in the bedroom.

Ah, sorry - it's a while since I read the OP.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #50 on: July 24, 2013, 01:51:05 AM »
We don't live near my parents, but that's on purpose - my mother has this belief where if she's cleaning/working, EVERYONE should be cleaning/working.  And she is right, in a sense - it's a lot easier to do your fair share around the house if everyone else is cleaning at the same time, so it's really obvious that everyone is putting in the same number of hours.  (Plus there's the peer pressure to finish what you were doing and not just get distracted halfway through).  DH, on the other hand, thinks that whole line of thinking is creepy and would really resent being told he had to clean at a specific time just because someone else was.  It took me quite a while to accept that 1) DH will do his fair share at his own time, and 2) I'm not obligated to jump up and start cleaning just because DH is.

I wonder whether there's some of that with you - your mother sees the two of you playing videogames, sees that whatever she's doing with her time has value (real or imagined) and decides that video games don't, and she's frustrated that you're not contributing to the household at the same times she is.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #51 on: July 24, 2013, 11:39:40 AM »
kitchcat, Any updates on this situation? 
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.

Yvaine

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #52 on: July 24, 2013, 11:46:45 AM »
We don't live near my parents, but that's on purpose - my mother has this belief where if she's cleaning/working, EVERYONE should be cleaning/working.  And she is right, in a sense - it's a lot easier to do your fair share around the house if everyone else is cleaning at the same time, so it's really obvious that everyone is putting in the same number of hours.  (Plus there's the peer pressure to finish what you were doing and not just get distracted halfway through).  DH, on the other hand, thinks that whole line of thinking is creepy and would really resent being told he had to clean at a specific time just because someone else was.  It took me quite a while to accept that 1) DH will do his fair share at his own time, and 2) I'm not obligated to jump up and start cleaning just because DH is.

I wonder whether there's some of that with you - your mother sees the two of you playing videogames, sees that whatever she's doing with her time has value (real or imagined) and decides that video games don't, and she's frustrated that you're not contributing to the household at the same times she is.

I've also run into people who believe that certain chores must be done on certain days. I don't even mean "this is our particular household's schedule." I mean "everyone, in all of society, should (for example) mow the lawn on Saturday." A friend of mine got chewed out by a neighbor because she didn't mow in Saturday. She mowed on Sunday, and there was no extenuating circumstance like someone showing their house that Saturday or anything--it's just that this neighbor believed Saturday was When It Was Done, period.

Lynn2000

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #53 on: July 24, 2013, 03:56:24 PM »
A friend of mine and her DH recently moved back in with her parents, in their basement, which was renovated to make a nice living space for them, including a kitchen. I'm waiting to see how it goes. Both of them have jobs but not high-paying, and a big part of moving in with her parents was to get them geographically closer to her DH's new job without having to buy/rent their own place. I'm not sure if they're paying rent to her parents or what. It seemed like a weird life choice to me, but it really has no effect on me, so... The only complaint I've heard so far is that they don't like living underground--I don't think there are any windows down there.

But, anytime you share a living space with other people, there's going to compromises and discomforts. (In fact the reason my friend's parents sprang for a second kitchen downstairs was to prevent conflicts over a single kitchen between the two couples.) Platonic roommates, a romantic couple moving in together for the first time, adults going back to their parents' house, anything. My favorite idea so far is to just generally open the floor for discussion with the parents--"Hey, it's been great living here and we've really saved a lot of money towards XYZ because of it. Just wanted to check in and see if there's anything that you think needs adjustment?" And maybe mention getting a lock on the bedroom door in the same conversation--that seems a perfectly reasonable request to me.

You could even say, "I've noticed that whenever we're playing video games, you make some negative comment about them. Is there something you'd like to discuss about them? Do you think we should be doing more chores with our free time, or were you hoping we'd be out of the house more...?" With a subtext of, "It's not about the video games, it's about what your message to us really is. Because obviously adults would not constantly criticize each other's hobbies just to be mean--you must be trying to tell me something else, and I want to find out what that is. Oh, you didn't have another message? Then please stop being negative about our hobby that doesn't involve you."

I don't think the only answer is, "move out." You and DH moved into a house after discussion and agreement with the current owners/tenants (your parents). Collectively you decided what you and DH would do to compensate them for sharing their space. If either side would like to make small adjustments, I think that's perfectly reasonable, and maybe all it would take is one person being willing to start that discussion. Just like with platonic roommates it can be a good idea to have a "roommate meeting" once a week or every two weeks or whatever to clear the air about issues before they build up too much. Really wish I'd thought of that when *I* had a roommate!
~Lynn2000

TurtleDove

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #54 on: July 24, 2013, 04:07:35 PM »
I don't think the only answer is, "move out."

I think you have some valid suggestions for shared living situations in general, but given the parent/child dynamic, the OP is going to be viewed (correctly, IMHO) not as an independent adult but rather as a dependent child.  I think it's generally agreed that a dependent child should follow her parents rules while under her parents roof. Things become dicey when the "child" is actually an adult.  I think that the OP can certainly raise her concerns with her parents, but at the end of the day her parents get to decide what happens in their own house.

ettiquit

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #55 on: July 24, 2013, 04:19:51 PM »


The games thing--well, I don't know how you fix that. People thing that video games are a waste of time. I actually agree--and I play them.

This.  My MIL has made comments to me before about my game playing.  I just agree with her, and the convo ends.

ettiquit

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #56 on: July 24, 2013, 04:32:21 PM »
Another possible take on the video game issue: Perhaps it is actually the fact that you are THERE. A lot of the time. Even if you are in your room, you are there. Maybe your parents thought that on weekends and such they might have the house to themselves some of the time and it turns out that isn't the case.  I think that there is probably a large divide between what you think it will be like to have your daughter and her new husband move into your house and what it actually is like. It might be worth it to just do a little check in with them. "Hi guys, thanks so much for giving us this opportunity to save money. We just wanted to check in and see if there is anything that needs to be adjusted, etc."



This!  I have 2 long term house guests right now, and them being in their rooms does not give me the illusion that DH and I are having true alone time.

CrazyDaffodilLady

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Re: Living with the parents doesn't mean we are kids
« Reply #57 on: July 24, 2013, 05:13:04 PM »
If the bedroom door doesn't have a lock, there are products to secure the door without installing a lock.  Here's one for $10:

http://www.corporatetravelsafety.com/catalog/portable-door-lock-p-1150.html?osCsid=6d543500717df304fa2c58472b44e6c0
It takes two people to play tug of war. If you don't want to play, don't pick up the rope.