Update p3, 4 Planning? That's for later

[ladyknight1]

So tell me, eHell - any magical tips and tricks for dealing with this and getting them to understand that we are busy people, we cannot - and will not - drop plans to accommodate last minute requests?

This is the only thing you can do. Stop accommodating for last minute requests. If it happens enough either they will change or they won't but at least you won't be left hanging. As for third party problems, time to contact your extended family that you want information directly from then, not your in laws. As for grandma, work with the aunt who can understand he for an alternative time. Don't get mad, just let it go, and if they ever try to guilt you, you have the right to repeat the same line above.

This is exactly what I had to do. Too many missed chances to see DH's extended family led me to open communication lines directly to them, so I know when they are coming here and can arrange to see them.

[Winter]

UPDATE

Well, it's not grandma, but it's pretty much the same situation.

The training seemed to be going well - we got an invite for a niece's baptism a whole 3 weeks early! Until today:
A Facebook message from SIL saying "Just a reminder - Nephew's bday is this Sunday at 2, see you there!"

1) The 'reminder' is the first we've heard about it
2) That's 2 days notice
3) On Easter. On a long weekend. A time when people do, occasionally, have plans they've committed to in advance. 

So - do we miss young Nephew's bday and possibly disappoint a small boy? (he's at an age where yes, birthday's are very important to him.)
Or do we stick with our original plans to keep up the tell-us-in-advance training? (we agreed to a dinner with some of my family slightly later in the day, and since DH and I are marathon training planned to spend the earlier part of the day doing some long training runs)

[TootsNYC]

I think that you should miss the party and instead call shortly before the party and ask to speak to him (as in, call and say immediately, "hello, may I speak with Nephew?".

Nephew's disappointment won't be THAT sharp, I bet, and the thrill of getting his own phone call will hopefully be strong enough.

Don't apologize too much for missing the party; just say, "I wanted to say happy birthday, and I hope the party is nice."

there will be lots of other people there. And you can find ways to make him feel special to you besides the party--those might be more powerful in the long run, and it's also time to teach him about "alternate celebrations" and how fun they can be.

[Kaypeep]

I'd play dumb.  "Dear SIL, I got your "reminder" about DN's birthday gathering, but I'm afraid we never heard about the party the first time and we already have plans for the holiday at that time.  Of course we have a card and birthday gift for DN though,  and had planned to (mail/drop off on another date, whatever your plan was) though, so if it works for you guys we'll stick with that plan.  Sorry we can't be there but hope to see you soon."

Honestly, I don't think a 3 year old is going to be that devastated.  Kids don't hold grudges or remember that you weren't there.  As long as you acknowledge his special day I say you are covered.  The ones who are disappointing him are his parents who give people only 3 days notice for their son's birthday party which falls on a major holiday.

[Lorelei_Evil]

She's having a birthday party for a small child on Easter Sunday?     Many people will have conflicts with that date, notice or not. 

[LadyDyani]

Wow, OP, are we related?

Hubby and I had this problem with our families.  The first 6-8 years of our marriage were scrambling last minute to pack up presents so we could get to my parent's house by 1pm on Christmas day, after we had been invited at 9am.  Or eating Thanksgiving dinner at 2pm with my parents and getting a call from the in-laws telling us that their Thanksgiving dinner is at 5pm.

We worked it out like this:  My son's birthday is in August, and my daughter's birthday is in October.  At son's birthday party in August, we pointed at the calendar and told the parents to mark down what time and place for their Thanksgiving dinners.  In October we did the same, telling them to write down the Christmas times and places.

This had the added side effect of making them talk to each other regarding scheduling, so we no longer had to go to two dinners in the space of five hours.  They worked out who got Thanksgiving, and who got the following Saturday, and just let us know. 

[Winter]

She's having a birthday party for a small child on Easter Sunday?     Many people will have conflicts with that date, notice or not.

Yep - that's what adds an extra layer of  to the short notice on this one. It's a day when even more people than usual are going to have things on. If I were a 6 year old, I'd actually be a little bummed about having my birthday on Easter. Means I only get one day of chocolate & candy & cake, instead of 2 

[WillyNilly]

UPDATE

Well, it's not grandma, but it's pretty much the same situation.

The training seemed to be going well - we got an invite for a niece's baptism a whole 3 weeks early! Until today:
A Facebook message from SIL saying "Just a reminder - Nephew's bday is this Sunday at 2, see you there!"

1) The 'reminder' is the first we've heard about it
2) That's 2 days notice
3) On Easter. On a long weekend. A time when people do, occasionally, have plans they've committed to in advance. 

So - do we miss young Nephew's bday and possibly disappoint a small boy? (he's at an age where yes, birthday's are very important to him.)
Or do we stick with our original plans to keep up the tell-us-in-advance training? (we agreed to a dinner with some of my family slightly later in the day, and since DH and I are marathon training planned to spend the earlier part of the day doing some long training runs)

I'd reply "perhaps you sent this to us in error?  We were not invited to Nephew's birthday party.  Had we been invited we certainly would have planned to attend, however we were not and we made other plans. We wish you a wonderful event and nephew every happiness on his special day!"

[heartmug]

Time to be honest:  we never got the first invitation, so this "reminder" does us no good.  We already have Easter plans.

Send a gift to your nephew.  Since he is 2, I think he should be ok with you missing his party.

[Mental Magpie]

UPDATE

Well, it's not grandma, but it's pretty much the same situation.

The training seemed to be going well - we got an invite for a niece's baptism a whole 3 weeks early! Until today:
A Facebook message from SIL saying "Just a reminder - Nephew's bday is this Sunday at 2, see you there!"

1) The 'reminder' is the first we've heard about it
2) That's 2 days notice
3) On Easter. On a long weekend. A time when people do, occasionally, have plans they've committed to in advance. 

So - do we miss young Nephew's bday and possibly disappoint a small boy? (he's at an age where yes, birthday's are very important to him.)
Or do we stick with our original plans to keep up the tell-us-in-advance training? (we agreed to a dinner with some of my family slightly later in the day, and since DH and I are marathon training planned to spend the earlier part of the day doing some long training runs)

I'd reply "perhaps you sent this to us in error?  We were not invited to Nephew's birthday party.  Had we been invited we certainly would have planned to attend, however we were not and we made other plans. We wish you a wonderful event and nephew every happiness on his special day!"

This, but also the suggestion above about calling Nephew specifically on the day to wish him a happy birthday, too.

[blarg314]

I think you have to be firm on this one, and make it up to Nephew privately.

If you give in and go, you've told them that if you care about the person they're throwing the party for, they don't have to be considerate - you'll cancel your existing plans and show up even if they give you three days notice for a holiday weekend.

Respond, telling them that you're sorry, this is the first you've heard of the party, and you'd love to come, but you've already got plans. Then, make plans with nephew to take him out to dinner or something similar next week (if he's old enough, make the plans with him directly).

You've reached the testing point.  They've realized you're serious about getting advance notice for events, and now they're seeing how far they can push you. It's like dealing with toddlers or teenagers - once they figure out that they can manipulate you into doing what you want, you've lost the battle.

[SPuck]

Unless your like a second mother to your nephew, children don't always miss the adults that aren't at their party. Now if someone else tries to make him notice the difference that is a problem, but then that is a whole nother etiquette quagmire.

[kudeebee]

UPDATE

Well, it's not grandma, but it's pretty much the same situation.

The training seemed to be going well - we got an invite for a niece's baptism a whole 3 weeks early! Until today:
A Facebook message from SIL saying "Just a reminder - Nephew's bday is this Sunday at 2, see you there!"

1) The 'reminder' is the first we've heard about it
2) That's 2 days notice
3) On Easter. On a long weekend. A time when people do, occasionally, have plans they've committed to in advance. 

So - do we miss young Nephew's bday and possibly disappoint a small boy? (he's at an age where yes, birthday's are very important to him.)
Or do we stick with our original plans to keep up the tell-us-in-advance training? (we agreed to a dinner with some of my family slightly later in the day, and since DH and I are marathon training planned to spend the earlier part of the day doing some long training runs)

You stick with your original plans.  Facebook message SIL back with a message similar to "We won't be able to make it to  dn's party on Sunday as we already have other plans.  Your reminder message was the first that we had heard of the party.  We hope dn has a nice party."

Send his card or drop off the present at a later time.  If you want to call, do so.  If you can't, it will be okay.  They may be busy getting ready for the party and not answer/not have time to talk anyway.

[Lynn2000]

I think you have to be firm on this one, and make it up to Nephew privately.

If you give in and go, you've told them that if you care about the person they're throwing the party for, they don't have to be considerate - you'll cancel your existing plans and show up even if they give you three days notice for a holiday weekend.

Respond, telling them that you're sorry, this is the first you've heard of the party, and you'd love to come, but you've already got plans. Then, make plans with nephew to take him out to dinner or something similar next week (if he's old enough, make the plans with him directly).

You've reached the testing point.  They've realized you're serious about getting advance notice for events, and now they're seeing how far they can push you. It's like dealing with toddlers or teenagers - once they figure out that they can manipulate you into doing what you want, you've lost the battle.

POD. And, not knowing the child's age or your relationship with him, he may not really notice you aren't there, or be upset by it, as long as there's no one constantly pointing it out to him. I mean, no offense, I'm sure you're really important to him! But he might have so much else to focus on that he won't be totally crushed. And, if you're able to make it up to him privately later--definitely a winner!

[MyFamily]

If your presence at your nephew's birthday party is so important that you not being there will ruin his party, then you should have been told about the party a few weeks ago.  Do not go to the party.  Do mail the card and/or gift to your nephew (everyone, no matter how young or old, loves to get something special in the mail), do call him on his birthday and wish him a happy birthday, do not go to the party. 

Oh, and I would also tell your SIL that the reminder she sent out was not a reminder for you, as you hadn't been told about the party before, so therefore, this was your first notification.  It could be the SIL asked MIL to tell you and MIL is the guilty one here; it could she mailed you an invitation and your post office is the guilty one here; it could be your email server sent the original invite to spam - but you didn't hear in enough time and you have plans.

Also, I couldn't tell from your post if going to the party would mean cancelling the plans you've made with other people, but if that is the case, to do so would make you ruder than your SIL - you aren't cancelling for an emergency, you are doing so because they aren't as important to you as your SIL and her son.