Update p3, 4 Planning? That's for later

[Winter]

Also, it's time to go on a campaign w/ cousins and aunts to say, "We don't always get info that is sent to us through the parents--they forget which of us they have or haven't told. So you need to ask us directly, with our own invitation or phone call. Do you have all our contact info? Here's our phone number, our email, are you on Facebook?"

.....

I'm wondering if the brothers are just physically around more, and are more tightly tied to their parents, and that's why they know about these things when you don't. And that's why the parents forget that they have to speak sooner with you guys.

Hee - we've been trying to chip away at the first, but with 60+ first cousins in our city alone (plus a lot of closer 2nd cousins that we get invites from), it's a slooooow battle. Don't get me started on trying to convince all of them that while they have a lovely family name, I didn't take it.

Hmm, you might have a point about being around more - the youngest brother lived with his parents up until very recently, and the IL's babysit for middle bro's kids quite a lot. They might just be assuming word's gotten around somehow, while we really need someone to get in touch. It's true that DH seems to be far and away the most independent of the bro's. I like that about him




Small Update - An earlier poster's prediction about missing out on the invites has come semi-true. This week there's been a multi-day event happening at his mom's place to honour a relative that passed away over the holidays. Yesterday, we got a text from a cousin that DH's really close to, letting him know that she's been going and thinks his mom would really like him to be there for one of the days. Meaning, she's been asking this cousin where DH is at the event, but she hasn't actually got in touch and asked us to go. DH half-jokingly said that he thinks he's been hammering home how inconvenient the last-minute requests are so much that she was afraid to ask him to come.

[TootsNYC]

That's part of why I'd suggest NOT "hammering it home" that last-minute invites are hard, but just holding them lightly--if you can go, or want to go enough to change your plans, you do; if you can't, oh well, you can't and so you don't. And you don't buy into any guilt trips or scolding, or anything.

The message is, "if you *want* us there, you have to speak early enough. Otherwise, it's going to be hit or miss, and we won't let you guilt-trip us over it. Sure, sometimes we'll choose to come and other times we won't, but that's our call, not yours."

[miranova]

I think the only thing that needs to happen is for your DH to stop fuming, even if it's quietly.

There are facts. You have plans, or you don't. You're free, or you're not.

Well, not exactly.  Even if I'm free, I'm not going to appreciate being told that Grandma's birthday starts in 5 minutes.  It's still very disrespectful of people to wait until the last minute to inform family of important dates.

[TootsNYC]

Yes, but you don't need to care about it.

You can CHOOSE to fume or not to fume.

You aren't free. That's too bad, you really wish you had known. So you say that. And then you don't go. Or you go, because this one is important--but again, you don't *have* to fume and be mad about it.

But you choose to fume. Believe me--it's a choice. You can be in charge of your emotions.

I live in NYC--people are disrespectful of me all the time. You have to learn to blow it off, or you just die mad.

[mj]

I'm not sure that fuming is the right word for people who are the recipient of this behavior.

Like I said, my DH was on the end of this and had to miss a lot of events that he would wish to attend.  He felt hurt, not angry.

[Mental Magpie]

Yes, but you don't need to care about it.

You can CHOOSE to fume or not to fume.

You aren't free. That's too bad, you really wish you had known. So you say that. And then you don't go. Or you go, because this one is important--but again, you don't *have* to fume and be mad about it.

But you choose to fume. Believe me--it's a choice. You can be in charge of your emotions.

I live in NYC--people are disrespectful of me all the time. You have to learn to blow it off, or you just die mad.

That doesn't mean you don't want people to stop being disrespectful to you, though.

[TootsNYC]

what is it the Buddhists say? that "wanting" is the core of all unhappiness?

When you focus so hard on the thing you want and aren't getting, you're going to be unhappy.

Far better to come to terms with what reality actually *is*, and live within it, and find ways to be proactive about getting what you want (in terms of info on events you want to attend).

Maybe the OP needs to get the *brothers* in on the idea of communicating about family plans with her DH. And to go on an active campaign w/ the cousins/aunts/uncles. (I know there are a lot of them, but that's not a reason to avoid the idea altogether!)

[Mental Magpie]

what is it the Buddhists say? that "wanting" is the core of all unhappiness?

When you focus so hard on the thing you want and aren't getting, you're going to be unhappy.

Far better to come to terms with what reality actually *is*, and live within it, and find ways to be proactive about getting what you want (in terms of info on events you want to attend).

Maybe the OP needs to get the *brothers* in on the idea of communicating about family plans with her DH. And to go on an active campaign w/ the cousins/aunts/uncles. (I know there are a lot of them, but that's not a reason to avoid the idea altogether!)

I'm confused by your post.  You say you're going to be unhappy if you keep not getting what you want, but then you say be proactive about getting what you want...but won't you be, by your logic, unhappy if you don't get it?  I don't get what point you're trying to make

[Lynn2000]

I'm trying to say something, and I can't quite get it right... Grrr, I hate that. I just want to throw the idea out there that "not free to go to the party" might just mean you plan to stay home and read a good book, clean the bathroom, have a quiet dinner. Those are the "plans" you've made for the day, and if someone calls to say Grandma's party starts in 5 minutes, you can still say, with perfect honesty and politeness, "Oh, so sorry, we already have plans. I wish you'd let us know sooner."

I don't know if that applies exactly to the OP here; but some people feel like they must attend "something" if invited when otherwise they were going to do "nothing," even if they don't really like the "something" or its last-minute nature is inconvenient to them. And some people feel better if they can decline by saying, "Oh, we already have plans," to divert suspicion that the real reason is, "I just don't like you or your activity."

[Hmmmmm]

I'm trying to say something, and I can't quite get it right... Grrr, I hate that. I just want to throw the idea out there that "not free to go to the party" might just mean you plan to stay home and read a good book, clean the bathroom, have a quiet dinner. Those are the "plans" you've made for the day, and if someone calls to say Grandma's party starts in 5 minutes, you can still say, with perfect honesty and politeness, "Oh, so sorry, we already have plans. I wish you'd let us know sooner."

I don't know if that applies exactly to the OP here; but some people feel like they must attend "something" if invited when otherwise they were going to do "nothing," even if they don't really like the "something" or its last-minute nature is inconvenient to them. And some people feel better if they can decline by saying, "Oh, we already have plans," to divert suspicion that the real reason is, "I just don't like you or your activity."

I think most on this board agree a plan to stay home and eat cheetos is a valid I have plans.  I think the original OPs issue is that he really wants to go to grandmothers bday celebration but the late notice is very difficult for them. 

His family either waits till the last minute to plan things or they plan earlier but don't communicate the plans to him till late.

[anonymousmac]

DH peeks at his phone and checks his voicemail partway through dinner when he sees a message from his dad left at 6pm. Contents of said message? "Where are you? You mom wants you to be here. Your brothers are here already." And instantly DH is quietly fuming again - especially since he said the voicemail wasn't even a question, it was a "where are you" as if we should already know.

It probably wouldn't do any good, but in situations like these I'd be so tempted to call them up out of the blue one day, really mad, and say "Where are you?! I made a nice family dinner and we're all waiting for you.  The kids are really disappointed.  Will you be here soon?"  and let them sputter about how they have no idea what you're talking about.  Just to show them how completely ridiculous they're being when they do this.

It might not sink in even then, but it's sure tempting.

Best of luck, OP!

[miranova]

Yes, but you don't need to care about it.

Ok, but doesn't that apply to pretty much everything we talk about on this board?

Including the things that YOU care about and post your frustration about? 

It seems a bit arbitrary to apply this logic only to this one particular thread.

[TootsNYC]

Yes, but you don't need to care about it.

Ok, but doesn't that apply to pretty much everything we talk about on this board?

Including the things that YOU care about and post your frustration about? 

It seems a bit arbitrary to apply this logic only to this one particular thread.

Actually, yes, it does apply to everything.

And probably it's something I should remember more often. (I do, in fact, remember it frequently, which is why I start very few threads here, actually.)

[bopper]

These people have a different personality type than you for how they plan, and also maybe if they are extroverted or introverted (how much they may want to spend time with others).  So if they are NoPlannerExtroverts (EPs in MyersBriggs) and you are PlannerIntroverts (IJs) then you will have conflicts.  I would suggest making sure various family members who like to plan events to have your contact info and tell them to please let you know as soon as possible.

I would suggest using one of the following responses:

1) Thanks for letting us know. We can make it.  (grump even if you don't like it, it is Grandma's birthday)
2)  Oh, I wished we knew earlier.  We already have something else planned.  (this can be for actual plans or we planned to veg out today).

[felix]

I got this to stop by boycotting any event last year that I didn't get at least a week's notice for.  I missed two birthday parties, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  Each time my husband mentioned the invite to me I would tell him I wasn't going because I didn't get enough notice. 

This year they made plans at least two weeks in advance for all the events.  It only took a year.