Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later

[HGolightly]

It took my in laws 6 years before they got the message that I may be smart but am not psychic when it comes to invitations. I had to repeat myself many, many times also that despite my DH being a smart man who can function in society does not mean he can remember anything. Now when they schedule anything, my MIL will call me (not DH) and extend a timely invitation. They have had a couple of slips but that just means that my DD will not be able to attend and who would not want to show off a cute and well behaved little girl!

[Cami]

Unless your like a second mother to your nephew, children don't always miss the adults that aren't at their party. Now if someone else tries to make him notice the difference that is a problem, but then that is a whole nother etiquette quagmire.

POD. Your nephew probably won't notice if you're there or not. And if he does, it will be a momentary blip unless someone makes a big drama out of it and that's not your fault or problem.

We were pressured to attend our niece's wedding -- scheduled in such a way as to save them money but to cause everyone else to spend lots of it -- with the "But she'll misssssssssss you soooooooooo much!" Add in the additional, "But what about the family photos? This is probably Grandma's ast big family event and don't you want a family photo with you all and Grandma in it? DON'T YOU LOVE GRANDMA?"

I had no problem ignoring the pressure. My husband caved and marital drama ensued when I realized how much money this wedding which -- for us -- was a destination wedding was going to cost. My niece never said one word to us and never noticed our existence (nor did we ever get a thank you note).  Oh and the family photos -- never happened.

That was the last time we let the guilt wagon take us anywhere.

[TheaterDiva1]

Or eating Thanksgiving dinner at 2pm with my parents and getting a call from the in-laws telling us that their Thanksgiving dinner is at 5pm.

Eew - so you had to stuff down two Thanksgiving dinners on three hours?  I would've told the in-laws "Sorry - We would've planned on it if we'd known, but we're already having dinner with my parents."  Then, if you want, offer to stop over later for dessert.

[Roses]

Skip it and make plans (in advance) to do something special with Nephew at a later date.  Make that special day part of his gift....Nephew gets appropriate b-day attention and family continues to get the message that you are busy and 2 days notice doesn't work.  I'd call and let SIL know that since you just found out, unfortunatly have plans.  Then (as long as she's OK with it), call Nephew on his b-day and invite him for special day. 

[LadyDyani]

Or eating Thanksgiving dinner at 2pm with my parents and getting a call from the in-laws telling us that their Thanksgiving dinner is at 5pm.

Eew - so you had to stuff down two Thanksgiving dinners on three hours?  I would've told the in-laws "Sorry - We would've planned on it if we'd known, but we're already having dinner with my parents."  Then, if you want, offer to stop over later for dessert.

We compromised with just having dessert.

So after all that bragging about having the problem fixed, I got a call from my dad last night asking us to come for Easter dinner at two tomorrow.  Which is the same time the in-laws invited us for.  But they called last weekend.  I told dad we would swing by on our way out of town.

[Hmmmmm]

UPDATE

Well, it's not grandma, but it's pretty much the same situation.

The training seemed to be going well - we got an invite for a niece's baptism a whole 3 weeks early! Until today:
A Facebook message from SIL saying "Just a reminder - Nephew's bday is this Sunday at 2, see you there!"

1) The 'reminder' is the first we've heard about it
2) That's 2 days notice
3) On Easter. On a long weekend. A time when people do, occasionally, have plans they've committed to in advance. 

So - do we miss young Nephew's bday and possibly disappoint a small boy? (he's at an age where yes, birthday's are very important to him.)
Or do we stick with our original plans to keep up the tell-us-in-advance training? (we agreed to a dinner with some of my family slightly later in the day, and since DH and I are marathon training planned to spend the earlier part of the day doing some long training runs)

I'd reply "perhaps you sent this to us in error?  We were not invited to Nephew's birthday party.  Had we been invited we certainly would have planned to attend, however we were not and we made other plans. We wish you a wonderful event and nephew every happiness on his special day!"

This, but also the suggestion above about calling Nephew specifically on the day to wish him a happy birthday, too.

POD to both of these. And maybe take nephew out for pizza next weekend.

[RooRoo]

I got a call from my dad last night asking us to come for Easter dinner at two tomorrow.  Which is the same time the in-laws invited us for.  But they called last weekend.  I told dad we would swing by on our way out of town.

I'm going to hammer hard here, summing up what many other people have told you. STOP GIVING IN.

Make this the LAST time you accommodate them in any way. Next time, do not "drop by." From now on, your response to any invitation from them is, "We're sorry. We would have liked/loved to be there. If you had given us two weeks notice, we would have been able to come."

The underlined part is your "Toots special," repeated over and over until they get the point. More importantly, make no exceptions. (Of course, change "two weeks" to whatever your preferred interval is. Make it longer or shorter depending on how far ahead you need to plan. Destination wedding? Six months. Big travel holiday? If you need to fly, at least a month, to save on the price of tickets.)

But it's Easter/Christmas/Grandma's Birthday!
"If you had given us two weeks notice, we would have been able to come."

But so-and-so will miss you!
"If you had given us two weeks notice, we would have been able to come."

You are so rude!
"If you had given us two weeks notice, we would have been able to come."

But we're cooking your favorite!
"If you had given us two weeks notice, we would have been able to come."

But Folly travelled from Russia!
"If you had given us two weeks notice, we would have been able to come."

But it's faaaaaaaaamily!
"If you had given us two weeks notice, we would have been able to come."

You have to be consistent! Any time you change your plans in any way, no matter how small, you have told them that you can be counted on to change your plans for them, without notice. In other words, they win and you lose.

If it's other relatives, use the same line. If they say they told the ILs to invite you, add that they should have invited you themselves, because the ILs didn't tell you about the event until [whenever]. "If we had had two weeks notice, we would have been able to come." And repeat, until everybody gets the point.

[LadyDyani]

I got a call from my dad last night asking us to come for Easter dinner at two tomorrow.  Which is the same time the in-laws invited us for.  But they called last weekend.  I told dad we would swing by on our way out of town.

I'm going to hammer hard here, summing up what many other people have told you. STOP GIVING IN.

Make this the LAST time you accommodate them in any way. Next time, do not "drop by." From now on, your response to any invitation from them is, "We're sorry. We would have liked/loved to be there. If you had given us two weeks notice, we would have been able to come."

While I do normally say no, there were other factors this weekend, and I probably would have stopped by the house even if I hadn't been invited last minute. 

Long story short, mom (stepmom, but she and dad married when I was four, and I lived with them) was in the ER last weekend, she thought she was having a stroke, and I wanted to see for myself that she was ok, even though they told me on the phone several times that she was fine, it was not a stroke, it was Bell's.  Incidentally, that's why they didn't plan ahead.  Turns out no one was invited until Friday, they didn't know if they were going to have a dinner at all until mom had done her first couple sessions of PT.

As it was, I didn't make it over there until 8pm, and mom and my sister were the only ones home.  I stayed for a piece of pie, found out more info about her diagnosis and treatment, hugged her a lot, then went back over to the in-laws house until 11, when we made the drive home.  It was a heck of a busy day.

And on a different topic, I finally managed to go to my mom's grave site. That was a pretty big breakthrough for me, and I'm kind of proud of myself.

[Bluenomi]

My ILs are a bit like this. MIL just assumes she can come and visit whenever she likes and we will always accomodate her. She tried that for DD's birthday/easter this year and when she told DH she was going to book plane tickets a week before easter, he told her my parents were already staying so while she was welcome to come, she'd have to book a hotel. (My parents btw not only asked if they could stay but had done it 4 months earlier)

She was most put out and as punishment for us, she and FIL are coming a week later and only staying for 2 nights instead of 4. Somehow I think I can live with that punishment and maybe next time she's realise she needs to give us more notice.

[Winter]

UPDATE: (kinda wordy, sorry!)

The straw finally broke the camel's back this weekend.

The (almost) breaking point happened earlier this month. DH's relative R was in from out of town, and my MIL planned a get-together at my BIL's house. Had plans in the works for a few weeks. Invited everyone. Forgot to invite us. We heard about it on the day from some other cousins who asked us if we were going. It was too late for us at that point, so we missed it and missed seeing R altogether on his visit, which DH was really disappointed about. When he asked about it afterwards, they all just assumed that he knew. Through his psychic powers, I guess. He didn't say much at the time, but it seems he's been nursing some resentment since.

Then this weekend happened. Friday after work, looks at the calendar, remarks it's his dad's bday and he should call to wish him a good one. I jokingly say "Is there a party tonight?" and he rolls his eyes and calls. Gets MIL, who asks him why he isn't there, the food's there already. That's right, family was there for his dad's bday. Voice goes from zero to angry in a split second as he asks what on earth she's talking about, and it gets worse from there as his mom proceeds to GET MAD A HIM FOR NOT BEING AT A PARTY HE WASN'T EVEN TOLD ABOUT. Questions like "How the heck was I supposed to know something was going on, let alone where and when?" were apparently met with logic like "You should have known!" and the fact that we already had plans were dismissed because "it's your family."

He eventually cut off the conversation and hung up. We didn't go.

In DH's almost-exactly-from-Ehell words:
- if they don't care enough about us to bother inviting us, we're not going to drop everything to go. That'll just tell them they can keep behaving like this.
- by forgetting to invite us in advance/at all, they're treating us like we're not important members of the family. So we're not going to be guilted by any of their cries of 'family.'
- regardless of what MIL may think, we don't have psychic powers. He was really hurt by the fact that he wasn't called - as he put it, if you have 3 kids how do you manage to invite 2 and not the 3rd?

This resolve was tested the next day already.  We found out via casual mention from a cousin that there was a 'birthday party'/cemetery visit planned that day for his recently departed GM. Of course, first we'd heard of it, so when cousin asked DH just shrugged and said he didn't know anything about it. FIL called DH a little bit later and said that his mom would like him to be there. DH told him that sorry, we didn't know about it and we had plans. He figures that his mom is now not speaking to him, because FIL never makes calls like this. After he hung up, he asked what I thought about Christmas out of town this year. 
 

[artk2002]

Hugs for you and especially (guy) hugs for your DH. It really sucks to realize that you're a 2nd class citizen in your own family. Remind him that the "You should have known" is nothing more than his mother deflecting her own guilt onto him. She's the one who messed up, but since she can't admit fault, it must therefore be his fault. Even if that defies all rationality.

[weeblewobble]

I'm so sorry that your husband is being hurt repeatedly. BUT, your inlaws are doing the hard work for you. They're making the situation absolutely impossible to ignore and forcing your DH to face it/deal with it.  And he's handling it beautifully!

[JeanFromBNA]

After he hung up, he asked what I thought about Christmas out of town this year. 

I am a huge fan of Christmas in the Caribbean.   

[JeanFromBNA]

I remembered the thread from January, and I skimmed through it just now.  Sorry if I missed it, but how are other family members finding out about the get-togethers?  Phone calls, FB, word of mouth? 

[TootsNYC]

My sympathies to your DH.

And of course, now your role is simply to back him up. Without, of course, ranting about the in-laws--but you can say, "yes, you are right--they really should have let us know specifically and directly. And I'm completely with you on not going."

You can help him work out what to say, encourage him to stay strong, even resist a little bit if he decides to cave by pointing out -his- conclusions that he's come to right now.

And you can parrot his phrases to the family members who bring this complaint to you, thereby resisting the triangulation.