Author Topic: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later  (Read 18850 times)

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gmatoy

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #75 on: July 22, 2013, 03:48:05 PM »
Winter, you and your DH have my sympathy!
I'm one of six and often don't hear until the last minute. I finally asked my mother to make a check list every time she wanted to let all of us know something. That way, she would realize that, while it seemed like she had said everything six times, in fact she had only said it 4 or 5!

(And I told her to add the adult grandchildren to the list, because: "If you want them there, they need their own invitation!") Not holding my breath. And I even pulled the oldest child card: Why am I the one that doesn't get the call? I'm the oldest and you should call me first especially since [b]I[/b] always call the others and mention the gathering. (This is acceptable, all things in our family are for everyone in the family.) And then I called the others and explained how I am not getting the invitations and what I had asked our mother to do.

Now everyone else is on board with calling me immediately to see if mom has called me yet.

I call this my "pull out the big guns" approach. I've made sure everyone knows I'm upset and why. I've given everyone ideas of how to fix it. Now, I'm going to wait and see. I hope that some of these may be helpful to your family situation! (And mine!) :P ::)

VorFemme

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #76 on: July 22, 2013, 06:46:47 PM »
I had to do this some thirty years ago when VorGuy would invite people to our house for a party after work (or volunteer organization meetings & events).

Someone started calling ME after they got home the night he'd invite people or the next day at work whenever he mentioned having a party at our house that weekend.....so that I would have enough notice to clean house & stock up on snacks (to make the least of a long story - they brought drinks, we provided at least half the snacks as we had a house & didn't live in a dorm room).

But "family" gatherings, I got notice after the first year or so when his mother realized that he did not pass along messages very well (if at all).
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Winter

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #77 on: July 22, 2013, 06:55:08 PM »
I remembered the thread from January, and I skimmed through it just now.  Sorry if I missed it, but how are other family members finding out about the get-togethers?  Phone calls, FB, word of mouth?

Word of mouth or calls mostly I think - we're not even totally sure for these last events. DH's two siblings see their parents a few times a week (they babysit for the grand kids) so we assume it probably gets discussed then.

Hopefull

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #78 on: July 22, 2013, 09:55:57 PM »
This is going to sound horrible but....... Does his family not like him? If everyone else gets an invite but he is a last thought that just is so very sad :( I agree with a pp. your mil knows she messed up again so she turned it onto to your husband as it was his fault. If she didn't do that then she would have to admit she messed up. Tell hubby to stay strong ((hugs))
I felt this thrill going up my leg!

Winter

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #79 on: July 22, 2013, 10:10:41 PM »
This is going to sound horrible but....... Does his family not like him? If everyone else gets an invite but he is a last thought that just is so very sad :( I agree with a pp. your mil knows she messed up again so she turned it onto to your husband as it was his fault. If she didn't do that then she would have to admit she messed up. Tell hubby to stay strong ((hugs))

I can understand why you might think that! But no, he gets along very well with them and they all love each other dearly, although there are definite differences in personality. I think that's partly why he's so hurt.

Nemesis

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #80 on: July 23, 2013, 04:13:14 AM »
Why couldn't she just pick up the phone and call your DH? Has she ever given a reasonable answer for that?

Can you get his other siblings to call you to tell you about any gathering? Or just send a text message? Communication is so simple these days with phones, facebook and texting, and YET these things still happen!

ClaireC79

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #81 on: July 23, 2013, 05:19:47 AM »
for things like his father's birthday would it be worth mentioning it to her about 3 weeks or so before?  As in 'are you doing anything for Dad's
birthday? make sure you let me know soon as I'd hate to miss it'

While she should call and invite you some of the things don't sound completely out of the blue (although the details haven't been given to you) and questioning her on them may make her think 'oh yes, haven't asked him' - especially if his siblings do this because they know what she's like

aussie_chick

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #82 on: July 23, 2013, 08:22:23 AM »
POD to ClaireC79
I don't think you should have to chase an invitation to everything however if it is something you or your DH would really like to be a part of (Dad's birthday) and you know it happens at the same time each year (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays that are meaningful to your family) then knowing what the family is like, would it be worth asking the question a few weeks before?
I think you should definitely use the stock standard "i'm afraid that won't be possible" when you're asked at last minute, especially when it's things you don't particularly want to go to but to me, you have a choice. Miss out on events because family members are last minute planners, tells/invites people as they see them, assumes everyone knows when they don't, or call in advance for the things you care about attending.
I also fully support saying to her "when you do x, we feel y" e.g "when we don't hear from you for special events, we feel hurt. we'd really love to be a part of these things."
They're probably never going to change and yes Christmas out of town/somewhere warm and balmy sounds lovely!

bopper

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #83 on: July 23, 2013, 04:29:51 PM »
I am not sure if they think he is a "second class citizen" or "part of the inner circle and therefore does not need  a formal invitation"....the problem is that the rest of the inner circle discusses things more often.

Softly Spoken

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #84 on: July 23, 2013, 10:10:20 PM »
I am not sure if they think he is a "second class citizen" or "part of the inner circle and therefore does not need  a formal invitation"....the problem is that the rest of the inner circle discusses things more often.

Bolded mine - this is an interesting point that, if true, DH would do well to remember when he feels like he is being left out on purpose.

I am hopefully thinking this is just a misunderstanding and very bad assumption about communication. Winter just mentioned above that DH's other siblings talk with the parents more often, and there was the reasonable assumption that invitations come up during those conversations. If DH is not talking with his parents as often, the subject would therefore not come up and the invitation therefore not issued.
Perhaps the parents assume the other siblings would pass the info along because why wouldn't they? And the siblings likewise assume that their parents will call DH and issue an invite because why wouldn't they?

So DH's parents may not expect him to be psychic, but perhaps they expect him to be a bit more proactive in finding out what is going on with the family since he is the odd one out by geography/time spent socializing?

Don't get me wrong, I am not taking sides and especially not siding with his parents - I think not issuing a specific invitation and then being mad when someone can't come is ridiculous.
So here we have DH on one side saying "If you wanted me to come you'd invite me (and invite me early enough)".
On the other side is his parents saying "If you wanted to come to family events you'd ask about them".
Each puts responsibility on the other, but the parents are wrong: the host is responsible, not the guest.

His parents need to realize that if they want DH there, they need to invite him instead of just assuming he will show up - or assuming that he will somehow find out about the event without them having to invite him!

This is why you should never assume... ::)
"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't."  ~Frank A. Clark

Minmom3

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #85 on: July 23, 2013, 10:28:14 PM »
What's the phrase we've seen here - "If you plan without me, .... (I forget this part)"

But it makes the point that failing to include someone in planning pretty much guarantees that that someone may not BE there for the event.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

jedikaiti

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #86 on: July 23, 2013, 10:40:12 PM »
"If you make plans without me, you make plans WITHOUT me."
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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Marbles

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #87 on: July 24, 2013, 01:29:55 AM »
Well, it may be time to rebut "you should have known" with "Yes, I should have, but since the only way for me to know is for someone to tell me, how do you expect me to know if you can't be bothered to tell me?"

Let them know you want to be there and that it makes you mad, hurt, etc. when they don't let you know until the party has started. DH deserves to not be an afterthought.

Softly Spoken

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Re: Update p3, 4, 5 Planning? That's for later
« Reply #88 on: July 24, 2013, 09:49:17 PM »
Well, it may be time to rebut "you should have known" with "Yes, I should have, but since the only way for me to know is for someone to tell me, how do you expect me to know if you can't be bothered to tell me?"

Let them know you want to be there and that it makes you mad, hurt, etc. when they don't let you know until the party has started. DH deserves to not be an afterthought.

Love. This.

POD infinity!  ;D
"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't."  ~Frank A. Clark