Food and vacation

[learningtofly]

Hi all,

This has been bothering me as I didn't mean to be rude and now wonder if I was being PA.

My ILs recently took DD on a trip.  For those of you who have read about my ILs you know my apprehension about this, but I was overruled and apparently it went well.  DD responds better to them when DH and I aren't around.  That's their version, but from the phone calls I know it wasn't all fun and by the end DD really wanted to come home.  In any case I think the ILs feel loved and DD got to go somewhere new and try new things.  We'll see if she wants to do it again.

My ILs rented an apartment for this trip and brought food.  This is their favorite type of vacation.  I would hate to cook on my vacation, but MIL doesn't seem to mind.  So she asked me what DD likes to eat.  She mentioned (paraphrasing) "What do I need to buy outside of what you're giving me."  And this is where I may have been rude.  I gave her a full list of what to buy for DD for meals and snacks.  I had no intention of giving her food for a week.  We have a tough enough time getting to the store and keeping the house stocked.  I was not giving away food when she has all day every day to go food shopping. 

In the end I did end up giving her a few things that I forgot to mention, but I thought that taking DD on vacation implied that they were feeding her.  Was I rude to assume that and not provide a week's worth of food for my daughter to take with her?  I fully admit that I was not happy about the trip, but it wasn't until after I hung up the phone that I thought I might have been PA when not giving her the food.

[NyaChan]

No you were absolutely fine.  They offered to take her, a child (and their grandchild at that), away for a week.  I would take that to include a food during that time.  Wouldn't even enter my head that food would need to be provided by the parents for the trip.  I can't remember your daughter's age, but at most I would have given her some spending money & maybe paid for a meal for everyone or told her to buy grandma & grandpa a souvenir of her choice to memorialize the trip & say thank you.

[Lynn2000]

So when MIL said, "what do I need to buy, outside of what you're giving me," I guess that suggested she thought you were going to give her some food. That is a bit of odd phrasing, I think, but since it also included the offer to buy things, I think you were fine. It would be my assumption that the ILs were going to be providing all the food for the child, since they were "taking her on vacation."

Maybe she thought you would be sending her along with a half-finished bag of raisins, or something else that only your DD eats in your house, which would go to waste if DD wasn't there, and she was trying to tell you she wouldn't be insulted by that... ?

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but is she young enough that they might have thought she would need special food, like toddler-sized cookie bites or something? Or are there any allergies etc. that they needed to account for--like gluten-free crackers for her, and regular crackers for them? Those are the only cases I can think of where it might be expected/preferable for parents to provide food to the hosts--medically-necessary, specialized, expensive foods that the hosts wouldn't be familiar with.

[Hmmmmm]

Not sure how old your DD is. If she is older than 2, then I figure your MIL assumed she'd eat the same meals as she was making for others and was really wanting to know if there are specific items that she enjoys eating for breakfast or snacks.

Honestly, if someone was taking my child for a week, I'd probably send some food items.  My kids and I had a difficult time negotiating morning cereal, ones they liked that I thought were healthy, so I probably would have sent along a box of that. 

Given that you said you paraphrased what your MIL said, was it possible she was trying to give you an opening for sending food if you wanted to? 

[ccnumber4]

How nice that your daughter got to spend quality time with her grandparents!  It sounds like she was well cared for and they all had a good time.  If your MIL didn't seem upset by your behavior, I wouldn't worry about it.

[Daffydilly]

She was rude to imply you would give her food. The politest way to deal with it was giving her a good list of meal and snack items. If she's taking your daughter somewhere, she needs to be responsible for everything with that offer. Why were you overruled on your daughter going? A child should never be sent off with other people unless both parents are comfortable with it.

[onyonryngs]

Just as a side, DD is a kid - and it doesn't matter who she's with, at the end of the week, she's going to want to come home.  I've been on vacation with my parents and whined about wanting to go home.  And the letters home from camp...  I think that you're letting your view of your inlaws color this situation more than necessary.

[Hmmmmm]

Just as a side, DD is a kid - and it doesn't matter who she's with, at the end of the week, she's going to want to come home.  I've been on vacation with my parents and whined about wanting to go home.  And the letters home from camp...  I think that you're letting your view of your inlaws color this situation more than necessary.

This.  I remember our renting a beach house for a week when DS was around 4.  On the third morning, he was pretty ticked off on the at us when we said, no we aren't going home, we are here for another 2 nights. 

I hope you keep her telling you about the fun times she had with them so it remains a positive memory for her and she wants to go again. 

[BeagleMommy]

I think, unless your DD has allergies or will eat only specific things (I have one niece that takes a grocery store with her on sleepovers), your ILs should provide all the food she would need for the trip.

If it were "Oh, MIL, DD only likes Mrs. Fields' chocolate chip cookies so I'll provide a bag or two." then you would provide the specific thing.  Otherwise, it is their responsibility.

[miranova]

They offered to take your DD on vacation, so they offered to provide for her.  I think it was definitely their responsibility to feed her during that week.  I think you were fine.  All that's required is a thank you gesture of some sort by you.

[kherbert05]

I went on trips like this. The kids in our family go on them now. The only times the parents provide food was because of allergies


Me -   because labeling laws at the time meant that  peanuts products were not always listed on foods (vegetable oils instead of listing all the ones used) Cold cuts because lunch was often PBJ sandwiches.


Cousin's younger son because of a medical diet he was on.

[peaches]

They offered to take your DD on vacation, so they offered to provide for her.  I think it was definitely their responsibility to feed her during that week.  I think you were fine.  All that's required is a thank you gesture of some sort by you.

This.

[Lindee]

I couldn't get past the "I was overruled" part. Who gets to overrule you on what happens to your child? 

[marcel]

I couldn't get past the "I was overruled" part. Who gets to overrule you on what happens to your child?

I would say that her DH has an equal vote, and possibly DD herself said she wanted to go. In that case she would be overruled. by two votes to one

[johelenc1]

I agree...unless your DD had certain allergies or food requirements (a certain drink every day, for ex.), then of course, the IL's should provide her food.  I've never heard of anything other than that.  Fixing the list was fine, sending a few special snacks to get started was fine, and ignoring whatever MIL meant was fine too.