How to have a wedding while discouraging gifts?

[Cat-Fu]

With three years between ceremonies you can't call this your wedding, it's a vow renewal.  People may still bring a small gift of they want to and it's rude to tell them not to. 

Calling this a wedding is deceptive and will look like a gift grab, calling it a vow renewal will bring you the result you want - a big celebration without too many gifts.

I agree. You made vows to each other with the JoP, and you can renew them with the blessing of your church now. If you've been calling him your husband and living as though you are married, then you are married.

I would not refuse to cash a check—like you mentioned, it messes with people's finances (especially if they do their banking online).

[veryfluffy]

You have had your wedding, and now --three years later -- what you are having is a religious solemnisation followed by a reception. That is what you should be inviting people to. If they then choose to give you gifts, you graciously accept them. You can, however, ask any of your family to let it be known that you do not regard this as a gift-giving occasion, which you can also tell anyone who asks what you would like.

[sparksals]

You could ask them to donate to a charity instead.

That is equally rude.  Any type of mention of gift or how to redistribute a gift is extremely impolite. 

[sparksals]

What you are proposing is not a wedding.  You are already married and have been living as husband and wife for three years.  Calling it anything other than a renewal will appear to many as a gift grab.  You can call it a religious ceremony, but not a wedding.  What you are planning, even while discouraging gifts is something many people will find inappropriate.   If I were to receive an invitation to this knowing you have been married for three years, I would decline to attend.   

People do know you are already married, right?

[sweetonsno]

I agree that it is a bit misleading to call this a wedding. I also think that there is no way it won't come across as a gift grab if you have been married (legally and socially) for three years.

I really like veryfluffy's idea of calling it a "religious solemnization." I think that will get the idea across very well.

[cass2591]

As for a wedding reception 3 years after the fact, frankly, that ship has sailed. If you want a religious ceremony because it's important, have it, but privately or with those to whom it matters.

Then have a party. Don't call it anything, just a party. As for your hometown, do the same thing, only just make it about wanting to see friends/relatives.

Calling it a wedding reception at this point screams "me me me" whether you intend it to or not, especially if you have 2 of them. At least that's how I would see it.

[sparksals]

As for a wedding reception 3 years after the fact, frankly, that ship has sailed. If you want a religious ceremony because it's important, have it, but privately or with those to whom it matters.

Then have a party. Don't call it anything, just a party. As for your hometown, do the same thing, only just make it about wanting to see friends/relatives.

Calling it a wedding reception at this point screams "me me me" whether you intend it to or not, especially if you have 2 of them. At least that's how I would see it.

I don't mean to laugh, but that was a very good line, Cass.  lol

[Katana_Geldar]

You could ask them to donate to a charity instead.

That is equally rude.  Any type of mention of gift or how to redistribute a gift is extremely impolite.

I'm sorry, I forgot that its considered anathema to have anything relating to a gift in a wedding invitation whatsoever. Etiquette is very much a cultural thing, what is a faux pas for one part of the world is the norm for another.

[TootsNYC]

I disagree, by the way, that this is a vow renewal. This is the same as in many European countries where the civil wedding and the religious one are separate. The fact that the reception is delayed in time from the civil wedding doesn't absolve the guests of providing wedding gifts. If the OP had had just one ceremony, but a later reception in her home state, would that let the guests off of the gift hook?

Actually, yes it would.

Only guests invited to the wedding itself are obligated by etiquette to give a gift.

Most of us are happy to give a gift if we're invited to a reception only, but that doesn't mean we have an obligation imposed by etiquette.

[sparksals]

You could ask them to donate to a charity instead.

That is equally rude.  Any type of mention of gift or how to redistribute a gift is extremely impolite.

I'm sorry, I forgot that its considered anathema to have anything relating to a gift in a wedding invitation whatsoever. Etiquette is very much a cultural thing, what is a faux pas for one part of the world is the norm for another.

The general consensus here at Ehell is it is inappropriate.  Many of us have no idea where every single member is from to be able to figure out from one post if they are from an area where the culture is different.  If it is such in your area, perhaps it could have been mentioned in your previous post that it is the cultural norm where you live. 

[Penguin_ar]

I agree, call it a vow renewal or a wedding blessing, rather than a wedding.  If having a gathering afterwards, call it a party, not a reception.  That alone will signal to most people that gifts are not required (and of course don;t register).  Some people will still ask what you'd like as a gift; you can out the word out via family that no gifts are expected.  If you want, a favourite charity can be mentioned.  If you do get people who bring gifts to the party, accept them graciously- you can re-gift, or give them to charity.  Any checks should be cashed, as it is rude to snub a guest's gracious gesture by not doing so, but you can give the money to charity.

[Magnet]

If you want to discourage gifts, invite my MIL and FIL. 

[bopper]

Like others have mentioned, call it a religious blessing or whatever but not a wedding.
Do not register.
If people give you gifts, it is because THEY LIKE YOU and want to share with you on your celebratory occasion.
Gracefully accept the gifts. If you want, use the money toward a college fund for future children or donate it to charity or fix up your guest room.

[onyonryngs]

Several family members are coming from across the country and will incur significant cost to be a part of our ceremony.

Is everyone aware that you've been married for 3 years?  Honestly, if I got together the money to go to a family member's wedding that was out-of-state, I would not be a happy camper if I then found out they'd been married for 3 years.  I would be very clear that you are already married and are having the marriage blessed with a party after.

[Flora Louise]

Several family members are coming from across the country and will incur significant cost to be a part of our ceremony.

Is everyone aware that you've been married for 3 years?
 >>SNIPPED <<

And does everyone include your officiant? What does the religious institution you are having the ceremony in call the occasion?