Author Topic: Very angry / fallout from NYE  (Read 4208 times)

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circlekiller

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Very angry / fallout from NYE
« on: January 02, 2013, 03:47:20 PM »
Background:

I am currently single.  Unlike some of my other single friends, I've always looked at it as if/when the right person comes along, great.  Until then, I'm going to enjoy my life and not let my 'singlehood' stop me from going out, traveling, living life.  I have a 'friend' whose become recently single.  I get that it's hard for some people to be alone.  She seems to be one of those people, obsessed with finding a new relationship.  She's tried online dating this year but hasn't had a lot of luck.  Then a few month's ago, she got involved with a friend of her neighbor's that was couch surfing.  This individual (let's call him John), is frankly a complete loser. 

Unemployed, in his late 30's, an alcoholic, the first night she brought him around, we got to hear tales of how he couldn't go to his home state because people there were hunting for him.  He told us (it was at a dinner of about 10 people) how he slept with his best friend's wife while he was staying with them and then couldn't understand why people were completely disgusted.  When my friend excused herself to go to the restroom, he then told several people that my friend was an 'okay piece of butt, at least until something else came along.'  He then got completely wasted and had to be helped into her car.  Yes, one of the people there later told my friend what he said.

Since then they have gotten into two major altercations, the last one in the middle of the night, which resulted in him trashing her house (he was staying the night) while her 5 year old daughter was there and last I heard neighbor had gotten sick of John freeloading and threw him out.  I hadn't heard anything else about him since.  This brings us to New Year's Eve....

Friend's ex-husband had visitation with their daughter that night.  This was the first NYE since her daughter was born (she's 5), that friend was going to go out for New Year's.  The entire month of December friend kept bringing up us going out for NYE.  Even last Sunday, friend kept talking about us going downtown to ring in the New Year's.  I turned down invites from other friends because we were suppose to be going out.  On New Year's Eve day, about 6:00pm, I call friend to see what time she was heading over so I could be ready.  She then informs me that she's going to another party and maybe we can get together after the party was over.

I was completely stunned silent.  I think I sputtered something about it would have been nice to know prior to the day of, and was she even going to tell me or just not show up and then I hung up.  I tried to make other plans but by that point, most everyone else had already left to go downtown and I didn't relish the though of going downtown alone to try to find them in a big crowd so I ended up staying home.  On New Year's Day I see pictures on Facebook that she was with this guy. 

Needless to say, I'm beyond angry.  If that is the type of person you want to hang out with, that's certainly her prerogative.  However, I ended up spending New Year's at home alone because of it.  Problem is I have to see her tonight and I'm really not sure how to handle.  I don't want to cause a scene, but at the same token, I don't want to act like everything is hunky-dory.  So wise e-hellions, how would handle tonight?

onyonryngs

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2013, 03:53:09 PM »
Be polite, but cool.  If she asks if something is wrong, just tell her that you were under the impression that you both had plans together for NYE.  I don't see a problem with being up front about your dislike of the guy either.  But don't make a scene - if she gets defensive just tell her that you'd rather meet to talk about it in private (that is, if you want to salvage the friendship).

Amava

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2013, 03:55:56 PM »
This guy sounds terrible but you know what?

If she was dating an awesome, fantastic prize of a guy, it would STILL have been really low of her to ditch you like that! That is no way to treat a friend!

I would be coolly polite to her if I were you. Any particular reason why you /have/ to see her tonight? Are you in some sort of group that does an activity together or something? If so, I would just focus on interacting with others in the group.

Dorrie78

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2013, 04:03:58 PM »
This guy sounds terrible but you know what?

If she was dating an awesome, fantastic prize of a guy, it would STILL have been really low of her to ditch you like that! That is no way to treat a friend!

I would be coolly polite to her if I were you. Any particular reason why you /have/ to see her tonight? Are you in some sort of group that does an activity together or something? If so, I would just focus on interacting with others in the group.
These are all really good points. Why are you seeing her tonight? If is a group activity, then focus on the others. If it is just the two of you, you could cancel and be honest about it. Tell her that you were really hurt that she cancelled on you at the last minute for NYE and you would rather be alone tonight.

bah12

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2013, 04:06:48 PM »
I don't think it matters what 'kind' of guy she's dating.  Making plans with you and then ditching you at the last minute is not ok....it doesn't matter who or what she ditched you for (short of an actual emergency).

It's difficult for some people to balance significant others with their friendships...especially when the relationship with the SO is new.  It's even harder when friends don't get along with the SO.  I'm not sure how good she was about keeping plans with you when she was married, but I'm going to assume that this behavior is somewhat new and the kindest thing to assume is that she's behaving out of character and that once her life settles down (i.e. she finds comfort in her new single status and gets used to a new schedule/new life), she'll turn back into the presumably fantastic (or least tolerable) friend that she was before.

I've been in this position before and I completely understand your anger.  Here's what I'd do:  When you see her tonight be polite, but distant.  Give yourself time to collect your thoughts and your feelings and then call her and ask if there is a time when you can talk (even that moment).  Tell her exactly how you feel:  "Friend, I was looking forward to spending NYE with you and had turned down other invites with other friends to hang out with you.  When you ditched me at the last minute, it really hurt my feelings.  I spent NYE at home alone because by the time you canceled our plans, it was too late for me to make plans with others.  I get that dating a new guy is exciting, but what you did to me was not OK.  I am hurt and I am angry."

I'd leave your feelings about this particular guy out of it.  I can see that there is a concern that he's not good for her and I'm not against you confronting her about him if she continues to see him and they continue to fight...especially physically.  But, that's a conversation best separated from this one. 

circlekiller

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2013, 04:11:01 PM »
Yes, unfortunately, it's a group activity so no getting out of seeing her.  But I was thinking maybe I could come in a few minutes after class started and then run out as soon as it's over.  I just don't want to hurt the instructor's feelings since we are friends and I usually hang out for a few minutes to talk after class.  Maybe I'll PM the instructor and just tell her I have somewhere I have to be immediately following class.

I'm just really angry most of all.  I've never been in a relationship during the holidays (funny it's just always worked out that way), but I've never in 35+ years spent NYE sitting home alone doing nothing.  Not how I wanted to start my New Year and it would have been completely avoidable had she had just a little bit of consideration.  Even if she had called me that morning, but that late in the day, everyone had already left to hit parties or go downtown.   :'(

WillyNilly

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2013, 04:13:43 PM »
I would absolutely call her out on it and i wouldn't hold back.  I would say something like "you know what?  What you did to me - talking to me all month about how you and I are hanging out together for New Years and then ditching me last minute - was a really crappy thing.  It was really mean and selfish and hurtful of you.  And really stupid.  Because when your boyfriend finds his 'better piece of [butt]' you are going to be all alone, for real.  Because not only will you be single, but you won't have any friends either, because you apparently treat your friends like crap.  And that makes you a pretty awful person right now."

And then I'd turn, take a deep breath, put a smile on my face and walk over to other friends and start chatting with my back to her.

bah12

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2013, 04:16:17 PM »
Yes, unfortunately, it's a group activity so no getting out of seeing her.  But I was thinking maybe I could come in a few minutes after class started and then run out as soon as it's over.  I just don't want to hurt the instructor's feelings since we are friends and I usually hang out for a few minutes to talk after class.  Maybe I'll PM the instructor and just tell her I have somewhere I have to be immediately following class.

I'm just really angry most of all.  I've never been in a relationship during the holidays (funny it's just always worked out that way), but I've never in 35+ years spent NYE sitting home alone doing nothing.  Not how I wanted to start my New Year and it would have been completely avoidable had she had just a little bit of consideration.  Even if she had called me that morning, but that late in the day, everyone had already left to hit parties or go downtown.   :'(

Your friend already negatively impacted a social engagement (NYE) once, don't let your anger at her impact future ones (this class).  If you are friends with the instructor and normally hang out afterwards, then do it.  Focus on your other friends.  If the friend you're angry at hounds you to talk, then just say "This is something I'd like to discuss with you, but not here.  Let's get together, have some coffee and chat at X time."

TurtleDove

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2013, 04:24:09 PM »
I tried to make other plans but by that point, most everyone else had already left to go downtown and I didn't relish the though of going downtown alone to try to find them in a big crowd so I ended up staying home

I am sorry your "friend" acted this way - she is absolutely out of line for all the reasons already mentioned. 

I just wanted to encourage you to NOT make the quoted decision again - if you wanted to go out, I wish you would have.  That part of the situation is on you.  I grasp you didn't want to show up alone with your other friends already out, but that was a choice you made - meeting them even at 7 would be plenty early for a NYE celebration!  Even 10 pm would have been!  I really think had you made the best of the situation it would have diminished the sting of the horrible behaviour of your "friend."

Like bah12 said, don't let her awful behavior affect what you do.  And absolutely let her know you are hurt and offended and will not be spending time with her in the future because of her behavior.

circlekiller

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #9 on: January 02, 2013, 04:44:28 PM »
TurtleDove, it's not that I care about showing up alone, I am one of those weirdo's that don't mind going to movies, out to eat, vacations on my own.  If it was just meeting my friends at a bar on a normal night, no problem.  But I didn't think it was safe for me to be walking around downtown by myself until I could meet up with others, if I could even find them and/or get to them.   Think several hundred thousand people packed in the streets to watch a certain ball drop.  The other invites I had were as guests of my friends to other people's parties so attending as a guest with my friends was one thing, but showing up not knowing these people looking for my friends I felt was a completely different situation, kwim?

TootsNYC

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #10 on: January 02, 2013, 04:48:41 PM »
I would absolutely call her out on it and i wouldn't hold back.  I would say something like "you know what?  What you did to me - talking to me all month about how you and I are hanging out together for New Years and then ditching me last minute - was a really crappy thing.  It was really mean and selfish and hurtful of you.  And really stupid.  Because when your boyfriend finds his 'better piece of [butt]' you are going to be all alone, for real.  Because not only will you be single, but you won't have any friends either, because you apparently treat your friends like crap.  And that makes you a pretty awful person right now."

And then I'd turn, take a deep breath, put a smile on my face and walk over to other friends and start chatting with my back to her.

I don't think, actually, that attacking her character so directly is going to get you anything you want. People are going to think that YOU are "a pretty awful person right now" if you attack this straightforwardly.

Nor will it make her think about your main point and change her ways. She'll just get defensive.

Stick to "it screwed up my plans" and "you left me without any time to come up with alternate plans" and "you led me on."

Feel free to be cold to her. I wouldn't suggest, actually, that you avoid her and leave early--just be sort of cold to her and ignore her as much as you can. If she seeks you out, trying to "make nice" and smooth things over, say:
"I'm still pissed off at you for ditching me on New Year's Eve, especially since you bailed on me so late that I couldn't reach anyone else to hang out with. I'm not ready to talk to you right now. I'm still too mad."

And walk away from her.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #11 on: January 02, 2013, 04:49:36 PM »
It doesn't matter who she dumped you for, she dumped you.  The only reason that would have been acceptable would be a sick child, illness, or other life altering event.  And even if you had a great time going out with friends, it wouldn't have made her actions any less rude.

You now know where you stand with her.  Polite coolness is on the agenda for this evening.  I wouldn't bring it up again I just would never make plans with her again. 

Slartibartfast

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #12 on: January 02, 2013, 05:02:09 PM »
"Friend, right now I'm pretty cheesed off that you stood me up for New Year's.  I blew off my other friends so I could spend time with you, and then you didn't even bother to tell me you didn't want to see me until it was too late for me to meet up with them.  I ended up spending New Year's Eve in my pajamas at home, alone.  It's not like our friendship won't survive this or anything, but it was a mean thing to do and I really don't appreciate it."

artk2002

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #13 on: January 02, 2013, 05:09:00 PM »
I think that TootsNYC, Hmmmmmm and Slartibartfast have made excellent points here.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Sophia

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Re: Very angry / fallout from NYE
« Reply #14 on: January 02, 2013, 05:36:26 PM »
"Friend, right now I'm pretty cheesed off that you stood me up for New Year's.  I blew off my other friends so I could spend time with you, and then you didn't even bother to tell me you didn't want to see me until it was too late for me to meet up with them.  I ended up spending New Year's Eve in my pajamas at home, alone.  It's not like our friendship won't survive this or anything, but it was a mean thing to do and I really don't appreciate it."

I don't think she deserves reassurances at this point.  Because without some groveling, it would not survive for me.