Author Topic: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?  (Read 9331 times)

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MariaE

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2013, 12:53:05 AM »
I think it's amusing that it's so different what would be "too much" for people. Three different posters have all replied that out of the three things listed only one would they consider 'too much' - and they pointed out three different things!!!

Anyway, I'm with SingActDance, none of it sounds inappropriate to me.
 
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sweetonsno

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #16 on: January 03, 2013, 01:39:03 AM »
I think they were rude. There's nothing wrong with small gestures of affection (holding hands, squeeze of the knee) between a couple in a social situation, but at a certain point, you have to wonder why the couple didn't just stay at home so they could devote their full attention to one another. Like bloo said, when it gets to the point where the couple seems to be an island as opposed to part of the group, it's too much.

MrsJWine

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #17 on: January 03, 2013, 01:51:28 AM »
I don't think any of it sounds particularly inappropriate on its own, but I would be really annoyed with it if it were constant or near-constant for the entire evening. I know some couples are really, really into each other at the beginning of a relationship, but when it's extreme, I can't help but get the feeling they're trying to show us all how in looove they are, even if they're not doing it consciously. I know not everyone has that motive with constant PDA, but that's my natural reaction to it.

Was it rude? I don't know. I think it would be hard to say without being there. I'd give it a few weeks or months before worrying about it, though. Most people calm down after not too long.


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Talley

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #18 on: January 03, 2013, 03:51:51 AM »
I don't think any of it sounds particularly inappropriate on its own, but I would be really annoyed with it if it were constant or near-constant for the entire evening. I know some couples are really, really into each other at the beginning of a relationship, but when it's extreme, I can't help but get the feeling they're trying to show us all how in looove they are, even if they're not doing it consciously. I know not everyone has that motive with constant PDA, but that's my natural reaction to it.
I was going to say pretty much the same...

I don't mind couples touching/holding hands/giving each other a quick kiss on occasion - but if it is going on constantly for hours, like it sounds to me in this case, I would find it annoying and quite inappropriate.  I might also think it is a bit immature, like a teenager, who has a boyfriend/girlfriend for the first time and has to show off how 'in luuurve' they are at all times by constantly pawing at each other.

The level of acceptable PDA might also depend on the activity. If you are watching a movie, I would think it acceptable for a couple to snuggle up a bit, like leaning on each other, and watch the movie like that. If you are sitting at the dinner table, I would think constant snuggling/touching/stroking inappropriate.

In the OP's case, I would wait a few months and see if the two are still behaving like that. If they do, I would take the friend aside and explain. But my guess would be that the PDA dies down with time.


Nora

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #19 on: January 03, 2013, 06:05:28 AM »
I'm getting claustophobia on Zacks behalf, but other than that I see nothing wrong with the mentioned level of PDA.
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Flora Louise

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #20 on: January 03, 2013, 06:19:19 AM »
Sounds like a case of "Look at us. Look at us. Everybody look at us!"  Eating cake while reclining on your man? Girl, please.
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Alpacas

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #21 on: January 03, 2013, 06:24:31 AM »
Personally i wouldn't mind the PDA they've displayed, as long as it isn't constantly.
That aside, i think it doesn't matter if we would find this normal or not.
What matters is that the mother, who's home this is, felt uncomfortable. So i think OP should maybe ask Zoe to tone it down while in their home. She doesn't need to say "leave your hands to each other while in our home, or i'm never inviting you again" but i think a "Hey Guys, could you please tone it down a bit? I know you're in love but i really do not want to make my parents uncomfortable in their own home." would do it.

Magnet

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #22 on: January 03, 2013, 08:13:04 AM »
I would meet up with Zoe and Zach at another location (perhaps their house or really "in public").

TaurusGirl

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #23 on: January 03, 2013, 08:17:55 AM »
All of the PDA described in the OP wouldn't bother me - it sounds very much like how The Hawk and I interact. We do skooch our chairs closer to each other on occasion, and in casual settings we are generally in constant contact (knees touching, leaning on each other, his arm around me on a couch, etc). For me over-the-top would be full-on tongue kissing, groping etc.
All of that being said, if I were at a friend's house, and they asked us to tone it down because someone was uncomfortable, we absolutely would! So long as were were spoken to politely and respectfully, of course ;)

siamesecat2965

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #24 on: January 03, 2013, 08:42:53 AM »
Since they've only been together eight months, there's a chance they might have moved out of the super-PDA stage by the time they visit with you when you're with your family.  If they haven't, you might want to tell Zoe ahead of time that the PDA was making your mother uncomfortable - since I'm assuming you're friends with reasonable people, that should be enough of a hint to get Zoe and Zac to tone it down.

This. My cousin and her BF were the same way; they came to my mom's over Thanksgiving a few years back, when they'd only been d@ting for a few months. And did the same thing. It was actualy quite nauseating as it was constant. They weren't being graphic, but they just couldn't keep their hands off of each other, touching, stroking, rubbing each other's shoulders, etc. My mom and I commented on it, but now that they've been together for several years, its stopped.

ettiquit

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #25 on: January 03, 2013, 09:29:22 AM »
To behave like that constantly is inappropriate and would make me wonder why they bothered to attend the gathering at all.  I think another factor in this is the setting.  No one has met Zak.  He's attending a gathering at his new girlfriend's friend's mother's house.  My DH and I are affectionate when we're with family, but it's not constant, and we've been together for 15 years (so the families know us both quite well).  I wouldn't dream of acting this way in the home of someone I just met.

amylouky

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #26 on: January 03, 2013, 11:44:27 AM »
I think it doesn't matter what level of PDA is acceptable to you, your friends, or any of us. It's your mother's home, and she has expressed to you that she was uncomfortable with their behavior.

I think she's being gracious by not asking that they not be invited again, but I think you do need to talk to them and let them know that they need to tone it down in your mother's house. It doesn't have to be a Conversation, but just something light, ie,  "Hey guys.. can you please lay off the PDA at Mom's house? She's a bit old-fashioned and it makes her uncomfortable to see you snuggling up to each other all night."

Lynn2000

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #27 on: January 03, 2013, 12:18:35 PM »
I also think it's interesting to see the different reactions to the description. And sometimes I think it's really difficult to just describe something in words, you almost had to be there, to get the "vibe" and see how other people were reacting. I don't think I'd go so far as to call it "immature" or "inappropriate," but as I was reading the description I was kind of rolling my eyes at them.

Even if the PDA isn't "graphic" (however you define that), if they are exclusively paying attention to each other for significant amounts of time, instead of being open to interactions with others, I think that becomes rude. I can see how that would be really difficult to regulate when you're part of the couple though--it's hard to see your behaviors from the outside.

I am also guessing that Zoe and Zac are still in the "lovey-dovey" phase (8 months, after a long time of being lonely) and may have calmed down considerably by the next time you want to invite them to your parents' house. You could do a test run by inviting them somewhere else first and seeing how they behave.

Or, if you wanted to mention it to Zoe, maybe something like, "Yeah, it seemed like you guys were really into each other. That's great, I'm really happy for you. I just wish we would've had more time to chat at the party, but it seemed like you guys were off in your own little world." Okay, it's kind of a soft opening, and someone could easily take that as a total compliment, but maybe someone else can come up with better wording. I do like the "off in your own little world" thing because to me, that would be the rude behavior--they could have been sitting on opposite sides of the counter, not touching at all, but if they were staring into each other's eyes the whole time, they were still rude. But, maybe that's not an accurate complaint in this case, if the mom was more uncomfortable with the actual physical contact.
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Outdoor Girl

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #28 on: January 03, 2013, 12:21:30 PM »
I'm an Old Fogey.  I'm with the OP's Mom on this one.  They are obviously very much in the honeymoon phase of the relationship but I'd be very uncomfortable with all the cuddling going on in my home.  I'd understand it a bit more if they were teenagers but 30 year olds should know better.

I like amylouky's suggestion.
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siamesecat2965

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Re: Friends' PDAs, versus mother's discomfort. Who is right?
« Reply #29 on: January 03, 2013, 12:27:19 PM »
I'm an Old Fogey.  I'm with the OP's Mom on this one.  They are obviously very much in the honeymoon phase of the relationship but I'd be very uncomfortable with all the cuddling going on in my home.  I'd understand it a bit more if they were teenagers but 30 year olds should know better.

I like amylouky's suggestion.

As am I, and I forgot to mention in my story above my cousin and her BF are 50, we definitely old enough to be over that phase!