Playing doctor? How to respond..

[Eden]

Ladybugs, you seem unwilling to take the recommendation that seems most common amongst PPs that you stop engaging your mom and sister. I suppose that's your choice, but it is the most clear-cut way to begin extracting them from your medical treatment. I think you mistake involvement for support. Your family does not need to know the ins and outs of our diagnoses or treatments in order to provide emotional support. "I'm having a really difficult time right now. I could really use some extra TLC. How about a movie night and girl time?" provides them the opportunity to lend their support in a healthy and appropriate way. "I'm having a really difficult time right now. Dr. changed my prescription to XYZ drug, which is supposed to be really good for my anxiety." provides them the opportunity to comment on both your diagnosis and the treatment, which is not healthy.

Finally with regards to her "finding a way around" you no longer talking to her about your treatment, she didn't. She's trying. But she didn't find a way around it at all so long as you don't take the bait and re-engage in the conversation. Either don't respond at all or give the book back. Backhanded "gifts" do not require any response, and certainly not a positive one such as thank you.

[Ladybugs]

To clarify what I had said earlier, I dont engage with my sister over this,and had stopped discussing it with her months ago. Then she got around this in a sense by giving me a book on it. One of the reasons for my post was asking how to respond to a gift that is more of a statement " I know we stopped discussing this bc your doctor said its not bipolar,but frankly I know best so here is a book to help you " .  I only posted this a day ago and I think I actually said the advice has been very helpful, ...i never said I was unwilling to take the advice, actually the opposite is what I said.  As for family support, its considered part of treatment bc its that important..but like I said if theyre unwilling to simply do that, then at least I would like them to stop being harmful .   Blondie you have good insight about me following the script.  Weeble wobble you have a very good point. What does sis expect me to do with her diagnosis,since that is not what my doctors believe. I suppose I could let sis know your right, I have seen the light..but my doctor refuses to prescribe meds for bipolar for me. Maybe you can either get me some or talk my doctor into it?   ... 

[Outdoor Girl]

You have said that your doctor wants you to get support from your family. I'm sure your doctor will understand, when to mention this issue, that you gave it a good try and that the support won't be possible. Have to try something else.

It would have been good, but it's just not going to happen.

That helps "shut the door" on paying any attention at all to what your family says.

I agree.  Talk to your doctor/therapist, explain all the problems you are having with your sister and mother and ask if there is a support group or other option you could use instead.  And then use Take 2's wording with your mom and sis.  Because family support that is not supportive is useless.

[Just Lori]

As much as I'd like to offer you a snippy response to the book gift, there really is none.  Your sister has shown through her actions that she discounts the trained professionals you have chosen.  There's really no point in engaging her.  If you asked her to come up with 10 reasons why she thinks you are bipolar, and you shot down each one of them with sound medical logic, she would still end the conversation with "Well, I still think you're wrong."

Quietly dispose of the book.  Give it to the library book sale or take it to your next doctor's appointment and ask him or her if there's any point in keeping it.  If sister ever asks what became of it, tell her it doesn't apply to your diagnosis so you didn't bother to keep it.  Then change the subject.

I apologize if you've already answered this, but are you open to bringing your sister and mother to an appointment, so they can share their concerns and hopefully have them addressed by actual medical professionals?

[RingTailedLemur]

OP, I sent you a PM.

[Itza]

How heavy is the book?

Can it be used as a clue by four? 

[Eden]

To clarify what I had said earlier, I dont engage with my sister over this,and had stopped discussing it with her months ago. Then she got around this in a sense by giving me a book on it. One of the reasons for my post was asking how to respond to a gift that is more of a statement " I know we stopped discussing this bc your doctor said its not bipolar,but frankly I know best so here is a book to help you " .  I only posted this a day ago and I think I actually said the advice has been very helpful, ...i never said I was unwilling to take the advice, actually the opposite is what I said.  As for family support, its considered part of treatment bc its that important..but like I said if theyre unwilling to simply do that, then at least I would like them to stop being harmful .

I apologize. I wasn't clear. I meant as it pertains to your mom. Sorry for the confusion.

And perhaps I'm confused about what you and your doctor consider support. I would consider it simply emotional and not actual discussion of the illness and treatment. And that's why I suggested they can be supportive without actually being involved. But that may not have been what your doctor meant.

[EMuir]

I would just send the book back to her. That will get the point across.  Then continue to refuse to discuss.

[Queen of Clubs]

I would just send the book back to her. That will get the point across.  Then continue to refuse to discuss.

That's what I'd do too.

OP, I'm sorry you can't count on your mom and sister for support.  I'd be livid in your situation.

[Take2]

Oh, I should have included the response I got from my mother to my ultimatum, since it wasn't what I expected at all and you might find the same. She pouted a little, as I expected. And then she COMPLIED with my rules. She needs a reminder about every 2 years, and she grumbles each time. But I went from daily mental health lectures to very occasional PA mental health asides, so I think that is pretty huge.

But this sort of meddling is not truly curable. Just today, my mother told me that my 6yo DD is clearly clinically depressed, and that I need to make sure she gets the help she needs when she is older. For now, I have found that simply pretending she didn't say that and continuing the conversation is sufficient. But we may need new rules shortly.

[Ladybugs]

Eden,

Hi, thanks for clarifying, that's fine....

As far as what my doctor means by support, he is just referring to overall being there so that I have a supportive base I can sometimes talk to a bit, for example, being able to call mom up and say I had a pretty tough week, I felt so anxious I wasn't able to go to the store and have been staying home alot. Then, mom would be a listening ear and offer some version of "I'm sorry about that..is there something that's making you more anxious, or you just aren't sure why?  How about coming by for coffee later if you want to talk more"

Its helpful to have support for any health condition, but probably is especially true for mental health conditions. The way it was explained to me is that strong support is a part if the treatment itself and can even to some degree influence how well someone does. A person who becomes isolated because they feel like they have to basically hide who they are, has aot less chance of recovery than a person who has an encouraging supportive family

 not that I want to talk about it alot anywas, but if im  having a particularly difficult time, then I'd like to know I can talk to a close family member about it. Now I feel like I have to carry the load myself and hide a important part of my life, what I'm going through

I'm gonna try to find some support elsewhere but not sure where, I guess I feel like in general family is who we should be able to e ourselves with and be accepted unconditionally....friends are wonderful and have great value but generally I would prefer to have support for something like this coming from close family

[RingTailedLemur]

You can talk to us if you want to.  I am happy to chat by PM, or even off the site, if you wish.

[Ladybugs]

Thanks Lemur

I haven't for sure made up my mind on how to respond to the gift....I think I will probably tell her "thanks, I asked my therapist and she said even though its mainly written for bipolar, there are some useful tidbits I can apply to my own condition, like meditation is good for anyone..I was glad that even though its for bipolar some parts if it can still be applied to anxiety...

Any thoughts on above response? I think probably it is the case there will be some general ideas useful to any mental health condition, such as making sure to take meds, using meditation etc.  I will probably say something like this, bc I feel it would give her the least ammunition. If I argue or explain why the book doesn't apply, she will tell mom how emotional I am and even argued over a gift type of thing. I think acknowledging the book, but circumventing what her message is by saying I can use certain parts of it for the anxiety would be hard for her to argue with. But then again she still might say but you need to follow the whole book to help the bipolar....

Anyways ...

[Ladybugs]

I also thought of a general response for if and when they make snide comments on needing bipolar help


I could say in the most sincere way "I know your probably right about this now..I have seen the light...but the problem is my doctor refuses to treat me for it...he insists I just have anxiety. I asked my therapist too and she won't treat me for it either. I don't know what to do bc it looks like even if I have it, I can't find a doctor willing to treat me for it.....ill have to muddle through somehow and maybe someday ill find a doctor who knows as much as you do sis 

Ok, I wouldn't be quite that sarcastic...but I could just mention that even if I do have it, I can't fnd a doctor willing to treat me for it, so ill have to muddle thru

[SPuck]

I haven't for sure made up my mind on how to respond to the gift....I think I will probably tell her "thanks, I asked my therapist and she said even though its mainly written for bipolar, there are some useful tidbits I can apply to my own condition, like meditation is good for anyone..I was glad that even though its for bipolar some parts if it can still be applied to anxiety...

I wouldn't say thanks at all for this present unless there is a No in front of it. She sounds like the type if you give her an inch she'll take a mile, and use this an excuse to start talking about it again to you. As for the family support aspect for your mental health recovery, it is also okay to say to your doctors that family support won't be possible and if they could suggest alternatives such as  support group, a website, or a 24 hour hotline.