Can I get your opinions on this please?

[Mom2Brett]

One of my very good friends found out just recently she's pregnant.  She is married, it doesn't seem like a good marriage to me to be quite honest but she's in Michigan and I'm in Illinois.  She met this guy through a Christian dating site, and about 1 month later they were married in Las Vegas.  They had planned a BWW but had just bought a house and didn't want to live in sin together.

About 2 weeks after they got married the controlling behavior started, now this is just what I heard from her and her mom and I know there's two sides to every story.  But he wouldn't let her visit her parents, he told her that her church was wrong and his was the only right one, she didn't know how to pray, etc...he's very, very religious. 

Anyway, they have just had to declare bankruptcy due to medical bills, the new house they had build and now can't afford, and various other problems.  So they are now living with his mom, his father passed away a few months ago.  Here is an email I just got from her, it's verbatim.

doing well.  starting to feel baby move a little.  I haven't registered yet but we'll still send you an invite so that you know.
 
sure you can forward the list even tho we live with his mom and the baby won't have it's own room.  i can't stand living here.  i thought I'd be able to but they all drive me crazy.  plus they all smoke--not around around me but i can still smell it!!  plus i hate having to answer to his mom.  i guess it's because i'm pregnant but she always wants to know where i'm going, etc.  i'm not use to answering to people!!  i really want an apartment, but i don't want anyone offended. plus when the baby comes, i'd much rather have my own mother help me--plus she doesn't smell like cigerettes
 
sorry i had to vent!!!
 
talk at ya later

I am really worried about her, I have never met her husband and I am thinking of doing a surprise visit up there to see how she's really doing.  Does this sound like a good idea?  We have been friends since 3rd grade!!  How do I tactfully tell her that this isn't a good environment for her or the baby, or do I keep my big fat nose out of it?

[jimithing]

I think it would be OK to visit her, but I would refrain from making judgement statements.  It's clear that she already knows that she is in a bad environment and she doesn't want to be living there. It doesn't sound like she's in an abusive situation, at least from the emails, so at this point, I would stay out of it.  It probably won't be warmly received and I doubt that will change her living situation or her marriage. 

It's a very difficult situation when you care about a friend and don't like their SO or what they are doing with their life.  There is only so much you can say before they decide to also shut you out because you don't agree with or like what they are doing. 

[Akarui Kibuno]

Hmm... I agree that saying something about the marriage itself might not help, except if she wants to vent a lot to you so that she has someone to talk to.

The only thing I would imagine myself doing in this case would be to say that if my friend needs me, I'll be there. (Which is what I'm doing right now after a friend's break-up... after baby was born, even)

[illa_nell]

I think going for a visit is a good idea.  Sometimes just stepping out of a situation and look at it through a friend's eyes can give enormous perspective.  If the change from happiness to misery has been gradual, she may not even quite realize how bad things have gotten. 

I don't know if I would tell her that you think this is a bad environment for her and the baby (assuming you still think that when you see the situation close up).  One of the difficult things about abuse (and controlling and demeaning behavior is abuse in and of itself, as well as often being a precursor to much more serious forms of abuse) is that it is embarrassing.  There is a stigma attached to being a woman who "let's herself be abused".  If you come on too strong now, she may have difficulty turning to you later if things get worse because she will feel she "ought" to have listened to you earlier.  There are also probably a lot of people who told her she moved too fast and that things wouldn't work.  Her pride is likely to be tangled up in the survival of this relationship.

I think that telling her that she seems really unhappy to you, and that you are concerned, but that you respect her decisions, that only she knows what is best for her and for her baby, and that you will be there for her  whenever she needs you, would be good.  I'm not sure how to describe it, but right now she needs to feel as though you would support her if she left the situation, but not as though you are pushing her to do it. 

[mimi_cat]

I think a visit would be fine, and will give you a chance to check out the situation in person.

If she expresses her wish to live away from his mother and get their own place, I would ask her if she's spoken to her husband about it.  If she indicates she doesn't want to or feels that she can't, let her know she can always turn to you if she needs help.

She will leave him if and when she's ready.  I think all you can do is be available to listen, and provide a safe place for her in case she needs it.

[Lisbeth]

A visit would be nice.

I do feel that it calls for extensive caution.  Although she vented to you in the E-mail, she may greet any attempts to persuade her to leave with a negative reaction.  Also, you need to be careful about not letting her husband or ILs know that you want her to leave or that she vented to you or they may increase their abusive behavior.

I agree with the previous posters that you can offer a shoulder for her to cry on, and offer to be there for her when and if she wants your help, but at the moment, that's the best you can do.

[bopper]

I wonder if the guy is a Narcissist...the fast marriage, money problems, controlling nature all send up big red flags.  If so, she needs to get out ASAP!

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/home.htm

[Mom2Brett]

bopper, this sounds exactly like he's been described to me by her mom!  I try not to be judgemental, I want to like her husband but I can't!  I want to reassure all of you that I wouldn't visit and bad mouth anyone there, to their face 

I am just so worried that he will beat her down emotionally and make her feel so small that she will never see the light and get out.   

[snowball's chance]

I agree that she needs to get the heck out of there.  Would her mom be willing to take her in temporarily if she leaves this guy?

[Slartibartfast]

Keep in mind that some religions (including some branches of Christianity) have very rigid ideas of what a women's place is . . . usually somewhere in the 19th century, as far as rights and opinions.  Your friend may have also been brought up in a tradition like this, so she feels she *can't* give criticism to her husband about their current living situation or about their marriage.

Not letting her communicate with her family is a HUGE red flag - if I were you, I'd just be sure to have regular contact with her (through phone, email, or visits), so she's got someone to turn to if she gets sick of this controlling behavior.  However, if this is how she feels her life should be, you can't forcibly "liberate" her   

[snowball's chance]

OT: if this guy's faith is so important, why did he elope to Vegas (in, I assume a civil ceremony).

[LifeOnPluto]

I'm sure your friend would appreciate a visit from you.

Maybe you could offer suggestions (not criticisms!) as to options for her and her family. For example, could you suggest that she considers renting in an inexpensive suburb for a few months/years until she and her husband save up enough for a small deposit? I'm sure suggestions like that wouldn't be construed as judgemental.

[Tabris]

I would go visit and do a lot of listening. Listen to the tenor of what she says rather than the actual explanations as such.

If you hear an undercurrent of fear and excuse-making, you are probably dead-on that this is an abusive or borderline-abusive relationship, and she may need to be supported in getting herself and her baby out of there.

If you hear frustration and anger, it may just be that they're really down on their luck and she has some "buyer's remorse" but the relationship dynamics are in the "normal" range.

Just ask open-ended questions, such as "What do you think you'll be doing after the baby comes?" and listen to how she goes on. Also, having known her since third grade, you'll be able to hear if there is a real sense of deadness in her heart, if she's shamed and scared by her husband.

Good luck. She's going to need your emotional support through this situation, no matter what the true cause is.

[Mom2Brett]

Thank you everyone for your responses and suggestions.  Quite honestly, i'm not sure what religion they are now, she has been everything from Baptist, Methodist, Mennonite to Catholic.  Her parents jumped around quite a bit.  Right now she says she's Christian.  They did the ceremony in Vegas at a drive thru place, their wedding picture is of him in the drivers seat with her leaning over to get in the picture.  She said it was so they could live together and not be living in sin. 

I talked to her over the weekend and she sounds so defeated, everything she said had something to do with her husband.  I asked where the baby would be sleeping and she said "well DH said the baby could sleep in a crib on the other side of the room"  I asked if they stoped smoking around her she said "well DH said that a little smoke isn't bad, after all his mom smoked when she was preganant with him"  Not once did she speak her mind.  I just have a bad, bad feeling about this.  I am trying to get time off in a month or two to head up there. 

[asta]

Be prepared that you may not be allowed to visit.  That her DH forbid contact with her own mother, a definite "tell."  It almost sounds like she's being treated like a "brood mare," so the family can "pass along the family name."

Was raised in a religion ("Christian," ahem) where the wife was to "subject herself to her husband."  The horror stories I heard from some of my girlfriends who married these "good Christian men" were terrible.  Basically, maniacs in hiding under the guise of a religion.

Also, be careful for yourself.  He's probably reading her e-mails and is regarding you as an enemy.