Two-faced cousin (or am I overreacting?)

[oceanus]

[BG] A relative (first cousin) “Joe” and I have been out of touch for several years.  He lives in another state and although we used to be somewhat close, our contact has been sporadic.  Although he was always lots of fun and has many good qualities, I’ve had a couple of experiences in the past which revealed that he can be deceptive.  But, that was then and this is now.[end BG]

Over the holidays I was touching base (via phone and email) with a few relatives and I looked up Joe’s phone number, called, and left a “Merry Christmas, call me when you get a chance” voicemail.   The following evening he did call, we talked, had a few laughs, etc.  The conversation lasted about an hour.  We hadn’t talked in a long time, and there was a lot to catch up on.

Joe is quite close with another cousin “Bob”, who I talk to a few times a year.  Yesterday Bob’s wife called, we talked for a few minutes, then Bob got on the phone.  He said “I hear you spoke with Joe recently.  He said he’s forgotten how much you like to talk, but he knows how you are and that you get excited sometimes.”  He kind of sneered and laughed, but it felt like somewhat of a dig.  Hmmm. 

I’m tempted to send Joe an email “Gosh, I’m sorry you felt it necessary to complain to Bob about how long I talked.  Since we had been out of touch I saw nothing wrong with that, and if you were in the middle of something you could have said so.  I was under the impression that you enjoyed our conversation, but I guess I was wrong.”

But, I haven’t done anything.  Should I just let it go?

[yokozbornak]

I would let it go.  It sounds like both cousins are just teasing you a bit.  I am a talker who finds myself having to apologize for talking people's ears off sometimes.  If someone said that to me, I would recognize it as truth and laugh about it. 

[Cat-Fu]

Just let it go.

You have no way to tell at this point which cousin is two-faced (though TBH my bets are on Bob).

[bah12]

I would let it go.  Bob sounds like a jerk and shouldn't have said anything to you.  You don't know that Joe really "complained" to Bob or just made an off the cuff statement that was perfectly innocent.  Since you only talk to Joe sporadically anyway, I don't think you should worry about this at all.  If you enjoyed the conversation, then leave it at that.

[Hmmmmm]

I agree that you ignore.  To me Bob was the rude one repeating Joe's comment doing it to just make you feel bad.

[onyonryngs]

I would let it go.  It doesn't sound like you talk with any of them very often so it'll probably be forgotten by the next time you speak with them.

[Judah]

“I hear you spoke with Joe recently.  He said he’s forgotten how much you like to talk, but he knows how you are and that you get excited sometimes.”

I don't see how this remark makes anyone two-faced. You had a long conversation with an out of touch relative, he commented on the conversation to someone else. So what? Let it go.

[NotCinderell]

I'm willing to bet that Bob took what was meant to be a good-natured ribbing by Joe and blew it up into a nasty jab.

[siamesecat2965]

I'm willing to bet that Bob took what was meant to be a good-natured ribbing by Joe and blew it up into a nasty jab.

That was my thought too; Joe may have just jokingly commented, and not been bothered at all by it, about how much the OP likes to chat. And Bob, perhaps thinking he was being funny, which he wasn't, then felt the need to comment to the OP.

I also have a cousin who will, as my dad used to like to say, talk the hind end off a donkey.  I've joked to his sister about how he and I had a nice chat, but said something like, well, I listened while he talked at me, but she would a. never repeat it to him, and b. knows I was merely joking and am just happy to get to spend time with him as he lives overseas.

[BeagleMommy]

I would let it go since you don't know exactly what Joe said to Bob or the tone that was used.

[marcel]

I'm willing to bet that Bob took what was meant to be a good-natured ribbing by Joe and blew it up into a nasty jab.

It could also be that the OP takes what was meant to be a good-natured ribbing by Bob and blew it up into a nasty jab.

So far, nobody seeems two-faced to me, just some misinterpretation as happens all the time when two people try to comunicate.

[TootsNYC]

I would let it go.  Bob sounds like a jerk and shouldn't have said anything to you.  You don't know that Joe really "complained" to Bob or just made an off the cuff statement that was perfectly innocent.  Since you only talk to Joe sporadically anyway, I don't think you should worry about this at all.  If you enjoyed the conversation, then leave it at that.

I agree.

In fact, even if Bob *did* complain to Joe, Joe was completely and totally wrong to pass it on to you, and to pass it on to you in a manner that hurt your feelings.

He'd be the one I'd be cooling things off with.

It's very, very rude to repeat negative things someone has said. It's bad enough when he repeats it to someone who is not you (that's gossip) but to repeat it to you?

It's backstabbing--to both you AND to the person who told him in the first place. And who probably didn't expect him to repeat it.

They may have both been teasing you a little--I'm the talkative one in my family, and since my brothers are both pretty laconic, so I end up chattering if we're on the phone. And I can see one of them sharing that with the other in a humorous way. And the other mentioning it to me as a way of teasing me.

But I also don't have patience for it anymore.

If you wanted to respond at all, this is the only thing I'd suggest. It is the thing that I would do.

Send them both an email that says:
"It was really good to speak with both of you. [insert more here]
   "One thing I did want to say--jokes about how talkative I am really don't hit me well anymore. I find that it touches a pretty tender spot--it makes me feel unloved and unwelcome. I want to ask you both to refrain from teasing me about that. I feel self-conscious enough about it during the conversation, when you don't hold your own, but when I get teased about it later, it really stings."

[oceanus]

Thanks for the feedback.  I’m glad I didn’t send the email; the only thing it would have accomplished would be to make me look overly-sensitive.

As far as those who say they don’t see how Joe was two-faced, well, I think laughing it up with me on the phone then (figuratively) eye-rolling and complaining about me is kind of two-faced.  Maybe a few of Joe’s past deceptions are also affecting my feelings.  (Joe talked a lot, too – it wasn’t just me yapping and him listening – it was 60/40, but I jumped around to different subjects,)  I agree that Bob was kind of a jerk to repeat Joe’s remarks to me – joking or not.

But, I’m on the way to getting over it.

[TootsNYC]

Not "kind of a jerk"--a big jerk.

[oceanus]

Not "kind of a jerk"--a big jerk.

 

I liked your draft email, btw.  But as I said, it would be turned into me being overly-sensitive, probably some eye-rolling, telling their wives about it, maybe more jabs, etc.  I don't need that.