Two-faced cousin (or am I overreacting?)

[figee]

As far as those who say they don’t see how Joe was two-faced, well, I think laughing it up with me on the phone then (figuratively) eye-rolling and complaining about me is kind of two-faced.

See I think it depends on the tone.  I can see me saying to someone:  "I caught up with oceanus on the phone yesterday.  We haven't talked in forever.  It was great - I'd forgotten that she's so excited and enthusiastic about her life and things, and we just talked and talked!  You know, I don't usually talk much on the phone, but it was so easy with her, conversation just flowed.  When I finally got off the phone, I couldn't believe it!  We'd talked for over an hour and I'd missed half the Muppet Show!"

All of that could be condensed into: “I hear you spoke with Joe recently.  He said he’s forgotten how much you like to talk, but he knows how you are and that you get excited sometimes.”  with or without sneer, even if no ill-will was intended in the initial report to Bob.

[oceanus]

figee - interesting perspective.

I had coffee with a good friend today who doesn't think there was any malice (for lack of a better word).  She agreed that Bob should not have said what he did, but she's heard me speak favorably about both these relatives, and that if Joe had negative feelings about me he 1) would not have even called me back or 2) would have found some excuse to end the conversation after a few minutes.  She didn't feel it was worth getting upset about.

[caz]

I talked to a family member a couple of months ago and then heard back from another family member how I "talked the ear off her".  I was a bit upset and took it to heart, but since then, the girl I was talking to has been making a real effort to chat over Christmas and was very upset that we hadn't had a chance to "have a proper talk". 

The "talking the ear off" comment that I was so sensitive about was her saying that we had a good chat, and looking back, I know I took it the wrong way.  Sometimes things can get distorted in translation, and I'm sure that it was a comment from Joe that was taken out of context.  You had a good time on the call?  You didn't feel like you were boring him?  You didn't hang up and think, "ouch, that was awkward?"  Then take that from it, and ignore the rest. 

[oceanus]

caz, that was a VERY good analogy.  Thanks!

[Lynn2000]

I agree with caz. If you felt good about the phone call with Joe at the time, I would write off Bob's remark as either a misinterpretation of what Joe told him (which he shouldn't have passed on to you if he thought it was a complaint) or a joke that misfired. I can see how it would make you a little shy of speaking to either of them next time, though, so I personally would probably wait for one of them to initiate conversation with me next time, and try to follow their lead with the conversation. Just to see what happens.

[Girly]

I almost never go off of what one person tells me another person said as gospel truth.

Mostly I akin it to the playyard game of 'telephone', the person that starts the conversation almost never hears back exactly what they said to begin with.

[Virg]

That's why hearsay isn't usually considered reliable.  "Bob said that Joe said that...." is a recipe for creating hard feelings for no good reason, and considering Joe two-faced because of something that Bob said with no verification is bad news.  To take it to the extreme, let's pretend for a moment that Bob doesn't like Joe talking to you for whatever reason, and so he tells you that Joe said something the Joe didn't actually say.  You can see where blowing up Joe in an email would make a mess and play right into Bob's plan.  Now, all you have to do is take away the malice and the same thing applies.  What if Joe didn't say anything (or anything bad) about your conversation, and Bob either misunderstood or misinterpreted?

Virg

[oceanus]

Joe does have a history of being deceptive, two-faced, whatever one wants to call it – but the incidences I’m aware of happened a long time ago (over 10 yrs).  So, (as mentioned) maybe I allowed those incidences to rear their ugly heads and concluded “here we go again”.

Just limiting it to this incident, the one who surprised me was Bob because I’m closer to him communicate with him more regularly, and had never had a problem.  It could have been a “she talked my ear off” kind of remark from Joe (such as the example caz gave) and Bob thought it was amusing and saw nothing wrong with mentioning it to me.  Now that I think about it, I can't recall any family member ever having a problem with Bob.

Joe = very funny, sharp wit, excellent recall in that he can cite details of childhood incidents.  If Joe had been in my home instead of on the phone, we would have been howling on the floor.  But, as I said, he can be deceptive.

Bob = older, more serious, highly-respected, usually will go to great lengths not to hurt someone's feelings and will go out of his way to help people in any way he can.

[TootsNYC]

... then Bob got on the phone.  He said “I hear you spoke with Joe recently.  He said he’s forgotten how much you like to talk, but he knows how you are and that you get excited sometimes.”  He kind of sneered and laughed, but it felt like somewhat of a dig.  Hmmm. 

Bob = older, more serious, highly-respected, usually will go to great lengths not to hurt someone's feelings and will go out of his way to help people in any way he can.

I question the accuracy of your second statement.

If you believe that statement *IS* accurate, then you probably overreacted to a good-humored teasing from Bob.

[oceanus]

Hi again, TootsNYC.
I’ve thought it thru, a lot.  And, being as honest as I possibly can, I have to say I believe it.  I still don’t think Bob should have said what he did, and the sneering was unnecessary and surprising – that’s not his style at all.  OTOH Joe is the type who makes fun of people behind their backs after hugging and grinning in their faces………….which is what bothered me.  I also have to admit that sometimes I’m easily offended by things which some people would shrug/brush off.  Bob knows this, which is why (imo) he could have just said “I hear you and Joe recently talked.” And left it at that.

The experience was also a reminder that whatever I say to Joe I may as well say to Bob, and vice-versa.  They are extremely close.

[Venus193]

Not "kind of a jerk"--a big jerk.

 

I liked your draft email, btw.  But as I said, it would be turned into me being overly-sensitive, probably some eye-rolling, telling their wives about it, maybe more jabs, etc.  I don't need that.

I agree.  Never let them know you have been hurt, but let them know you were offended.

[oopsie]

These kind of comments always annoy me. I call them "jellyfish stings" like that girl in Bridget Jones's Diary: The Edge of Reason. Bob is being a jellyfish because there was no reason for him to mention Joe saying that and especially not in that way. IMO, it comes across as snarky.

The worst part about these kind of jellyfish stings is that as much as they hurt you, complaining about the pain sometimes can seem like you're making a bigger deal over it than it is. That's when you get those "you're being too sensitive" remarks.

Sorry, not much advice but you do have my sympathy.