Dear Prudence: Non-invitations to weddings

[Katana_Geldar]

I would only tell someone they had not been invited if they asked me. Before that if they have not got an invite and they know about the wedding, they can work it out.

The closest I have gone is a friend whom we couldn't afford to invite his family. But he's interstate and has young kids, so it was going to be difficult.

[SamiHami]

I have never heard of this and wish I still hadn't.

[artk2002]

Already under discussion here.

[katycoo]

Wow. 
Here, a ceremony only notification/invite (not an invite per se althought sometimes there is a small afternoon tea) is becoming quite common.  No RSVP is required and certainly no gift!  It is merely an acknowledgment that stickybeakers are welcome (think ppl like friends parents, neighbours or church members who are not and would not expect to be invited but who might like to see you walk down the aisle).
I simply can't fathom including registry info with such a notice.

Invites to Kitchen teas/Hens for non-guests are becoming more common, but I HATE this idea personally.

[catrunning]

I've been on the receiving side of this on a couple of occasions.   The most recent, one of my dh's nieces was getting married. My dh isn't close to this niece or his brother and SIL, and we actually hadn't seen any of them for years.  So when we heard she was getting married,  we certainly didn't expect a wedding invitation.    We did get a facebook communication from SIL saying that they won't be able to invite us to the wedding, but they would really like us to "share in the family's joy" by attending one of the many showers.    She listed the dates/times/themes of four different showers and asked us which ones we would like to receive an invitation to.   

I emailed SIL back, congratulating her on her daughter's marriage and wishing them the best, while also advising her we will not be able to attend any of her showers.    The bride herself emailed me back saying "okay, but here's my registry website".

SIL then called me and told me how rude I was for not attending one of her showers.    I told SIL that etiquette states that you never invite someone to a shower unless they are invited to the actual wedding ** I know work showers are the exception, although I don't agree with that personally, but I don't' let those get to me**.   SIL responded that was old fashioned etiquette and that "modern etiquette" says that it is fine to invite people to showers rather than the wedding.   "It helps hold costs down while allowing more people to participate",  and "people will get hurt if they don't at least get invited to a shower"    So you see, some people out there in the world really think this is OK.

[bloo]

CRUD MONKEYS! I was just coming here to post the same thing. What's next...special non-invited cards

The 'No Thanks' cards for the wedding gifts they did not receive from people invited AND non-vited.

[mrkitty]

I would guess special wedding-themed personalized invoices to send to people charging them a fee for your big event...whether you know them or not, or they're invited or not. You know, just random invoices to send people. Maybe someone will start a collection agency for that.

[miranova]

Oh and I forgot to mention, in my case, I had already received a "save the date".  So I got a save the date, then an invitation to a shower, RSVP'd to the shower, then received the nonvite to the wedding reception, with the registry info included.  I kind of think after you've sent save the date out to someone, you've committed to inviting that person!!!

[blarg314]

This actually strikes me as a very logical process, from the couple's point of view.

From their point of view, their wedding is the most important thing to ever happen. So of course your distant friends, casual acquaintances, coworkers are remote family members are going to be simply devastated they can't come. So you have to break it to them gently.

And of course, they'll be so happy if they're allowed near the wedding, even if they can't attend the event itself. It will be an  honor to attend the shower, or help you pick out shoes, to even just brush at the edges of the day of days!

[bloo]

Oh and I forgot to mention, in my case, I had already received a "save the date".  So I got a save the date, then an invitation to a shower, RSVP'd to the shower, then received the nonvite to the wedding reception, with the registry info included.  I kind of think after you've sent save the date out to someone, you've committed to inviting that person!!!

I hear about stuff like this and I just have to shake my head in amazement. I mean surely there was someone with a vested in interest in this bride's wedding that could guide her through the process.

I think you handled it as well as you could under the circumstances. Given half a chance I would have a hard time keeping my tongue behind my teeth!

This actually strikes me as a very logical process, from the couple's point of view.

From their point of view, their wedding is the most important thing to ever happen. So of course your distant friends, casual acquaintances, coworkers are remote family members are going to be simply devastated they can't come. So you have to break it to them gently.

And of course, they'll be so happy if they're allowed near the wedding, even if they can't attend the event itself. It will be an  honor to attend the shower, or help you pick out shoes, to even just brush at the edges of the day of days!

This had me laughing out loud. Of course I'd LOVE to bow and scrape for the chance to 'brush the edges of the day of days'. 

[mrkitty]

Too much royal wedding fever. Everyone thinks they are William & Kate and it's an honor simply to close enough be trampled by one of the horses hooves.  ***


***Kind of just kidding. I adored the royal wedding and have neutral feelings about the royal family. Still, though, it seems like a lot of brides think all the world is going to wait for that coveted invitation with baited breath and if they don't get one, well...disaster.

[Otterpop]

Too much royal wedding fever. Everyone thinks they are William & Kate and it's an honor simply to close enough be trampled by one of the horses hooves.  ***


***Kind of just kidding. I adored the royal wedding and have neutral feelings about the royal family. Still, though, it seems like a lot of brides think all the world is going to wait for that coveted invitation with baited breath and if they don't get one, well...disaster.

Ha!  LOL'ed at 3am, not polite.  I watched the royal wedding from a remote pub in LA.  Cried my eyes out that the invitation never materialized...NOT!!!  (I choose to believe it got lost in the post...)

A non-invitation glaringly points out that you did not merit.  Bad form.

[JenJay]

So you see, some people out there in the world really think this is OK.

I can't help but notice that those in favor are the crowd receiving the gifts, whereas the ones doing the would-be buying, not so much. You'd think that'd be a heads-up to those considering issuing the gift-request-non-invitations, but I guess not. 

[siamesecat2965]

I got just such a nonvitation a few years back from a high school friend. I wouldn't have batted an eye at not being invited; we went to college in different states and just naturally drifted apart, and I'd only met her husband once. Instead, she sent me an email explaining about her budget and the church size (actually the first communication we'd had in a year). For crying out loud, I understood that our distanced friendship might not mesh with her budget, and I hadn't said a word to her that suggested I expected an invitation. It would have made much more sense for her to just quietly not invite me instead of drawing attention to it.

I was actually planning to send her a token gift from her registry (not trying to fish for an invitation, just something small to show that I wished her well), but the nonvitation sat with me so poorly that I changed my mind. Sending a gift of my own volition without being invited was one thing; sending one because I was "important to her but they just couldn't fit me in at the reception, but I totally would have been invited if they had more money" was something quite different.

I hear you. I hate when people feel the need, not just with wedding invites, but everything, to go on and on and on and on and on.  I've been in the same situation, only I simply wasn't invited to the wedding.  Which I was totally OK with.  I don't blame you for not sending any gift, esp since it seems like they went out of their way to make sure you knew WHY you weren't invited.  They seem to have JADEing down to an science! 

Slightly OT, but I work PT in retail, and I've honed my JADEing, or lack thereof, skills. Customers wants to return something, but has no receipt, and its clearly from 3 seasons ago. "I'm sorry, its past 90 days, therefore I am unable to take it back" Or other situations where its simply not necessary to ramble on about stuff the customer really doesn't care about, or needs to know. And it makes me crazy when I hear my co-workers doing just that. Just simply tell them what they need to know, and stop talking.

[Winterlight]

Oh thank goodness.  I thought this advice was actually on website of someone who pretended to be an authority on weddings.  This is just a college student coming up with her on rules since she has never learned proper wedding etiquette. 

I wasn't able to see the comments.  I hope someone points her to the wedding bell's site so she can learn some basics on being polite to guests.

The author is getting sliced and diced in the comments. Nobody thinks it's good advice.