Dear Prudence: Non-invitations to weddings

[Flora Louise]

I think it would be funny to respond to a non-invitation with "Who are you, again?"

[Twik]

You know, I can understand where this is coming from, even thought it's very bad advice. It's about trying to make someone feel "involved" even if they can't come to your wedding. It's part of the "it's rude to tell anyone 'no'!" mentality. She's hoping that the people so treated will feel like guests in everything except actually being there on the day.

It's totally ineffective, of course, and very rude. But I can, alas, see people thinking that this would actually placate someone by sending the message "I can't invite you. But see! I still want to spend time with you doing weddingy things! It's not my fault!"

[kareng57]

Oh and I forgot to mention, in my case, I had already received a "save the date".  So I got a save the date, then an invitation to a shower, RSVP'd to the shower, then received the nonvite to the wedding reception, with the registry info included.  I kind of think after you've sent save the date out to someone, you've committed to inviting that person!!!

There are actually HCs out there who don't understand how STDs are supposed to work.  They think that you send them to everyone you might eventually like to invite.  Then, months later, they send the real invitations out to the guests that made the "cut".

[mrkitty]

Oh and I forgot to mention, in my case, I had already received a "save the date".  So I got a save the date, then an invitation to a shower, RSVP'd to the shower, then received the nonvite to the wedding reception, with the registry info included.  I kind of think after you've sent save the date out to someone, you've committed to inviting that person!!!

There are actually HCs out there who don't understand how STDs are supposed to work.  They think that you send them to everyone you might eventually like to invite.  Then, months later, they send the real invitations out to the guests that made the "cut".

How tacky. (!) I wonder what the non-invitee is supposed to do, having saved the date as requested? Sit around wondering what happened to the invitation that was expected? Oh, wait. No, fortunately there is a solution - un-invite them per the *new rules*! Only, you must wait to do that to ensure the guest sends the wedding gift first, no?? 

[Mikayla]

This actually strikes me as a very logical process, from the couple's point of view.

From their point of view, their wedding is the most important thing to ever happen. So of course your distant friends, casual acquaintances, coworkers are remote family members are going to be simply devastated they can't come. So you have to break it to them gently.

And of course, they'll be so happy if they're allowed near the wedding, even if they can't attend the event itself. It will be an  honor to attend the shower, or help you pick out shoes, to even just brush at the edges of the day of days!

Don't forget, someone needs to carry the crown and the magic wand!

I think the lesson learned here is that advice columnists are like vendors:  Etiquette isn't generally worth worrying about.   I've seen things from Abby that make my head spin. 

[m2kbug]

I think the lesson learned here is that advice columnists are like vendors:  Etiquette isn't generally worth worrying about.   I've seen things from Abby that make my head spin.

Agreed, but just to point out, the original exclusion article came from eHow, not from Dear Prudence.  Dear Prudence linked to the original article in response to a letter.

[Mikayla]

Oh sure, I saw that.  But any columnist giving etiquette related advice who links to e-how isn't furthering the cause of etiquette!

I wish I could remember the things I've heard in real life that were traced back to e-how.  I don't even know who comes up with their stuff.

[Bright]

Oh sure, I saw that.  But any columnist giving etiquette related advice who links to e-how isn't furthering the cause of etiquette!

I wish I could remember the things I've heard in real life that were traced back to e-how.  I don't even know who comes up with their stuff.

She linked to it in order to mock it though and point out what shouldn't be done. She agreed that Don't Save The Date cards are a bad idea.

[nutraxfornerves]

Somewhere in one of Miss Manners' books is a letter from a Gentle Reader who got a shower invitation with an added note "I regret space does not permit your attendance."

[Wench]

Too much royal wedding fever. Everyone thinks they are William & Kate and it's an honor simply to close enough be trampled by one of the horses hooves.  ***


***Kind of just kidding. I adored the royal wedding and have neutral feelings about the royal family. Still, though, it seems like a lot of brides think all the world is going to wait for that coveted invitation with baited breath and if they don't get one, well...disaster.

The stupid thing with this kind of this thinking is that Wills & Kate would never behave like that and even if they did behave like this the queen would certainly have something to say about non-invites!

[siamesecat2965]

   It's part of the "it's rude to tell anyone 'no'!" mentality. She's hoping that the people so treated will feel like guests in everything except actually being there on the day.

It's totally ineffective, of course, and very rude. But I can, alas, see people thinking that this would actually placate someone by sending the message "I can't invite you. But see! I still want to spend time with you doing weddingy things! It's not my fault!"

And herein, I think, lies the problem. I think, and I may be generalizing, many people are simply afraid to tell someone no. Or not include someone, or, in the case of kids and sports, not have EVERYONE win a ribbon, trophy, or what have you. Sadly, its part of life that we don't always get what we went, and I know many people who are simply incapable of sucking it up, and get really upset when they don't get their own way, and feel slighted, even when there's no reason they should.  Just my two cents.

[mrkitty]

Somewhere in one of Miss Manners' books is a letter from a Gentle Reader who got a shower invitation with an added note "I regret space does not permit your attendance."

Oh, man. If I received that "invitation" for my gift only, my reaction would NOT be eHell approved. I'd be tempted to give the bride (or the host, or the person whose idea this was) a shower, alright. Just not the kind she was expecting - one that involved the exterior of her home and a lot of "decorative" paper. From a roll.

Of course, I wouldn't do that. But I'd want to. 

[wolfie]

Somewhere in one of Miss Manners' books is a letter from a Gentle Reader who got a shower invitation with an added note "I regret space does not permit your attendance."

Do you remember Miss manners response?

[nutraxfornerves]

Do you remember Miss manners response?

I was able to find it on Google Books. It's in Miss Manners' Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millennium.  MM says that the rule about not allowing anyone to hear about an event to which they are not invited is so important, that polite people go to great lengths to be sure it doesn't happen. She finishes by describing the invitation as

a written version of that school playground taunt "Nyah, nyah! I'm having a party and you can't come!"

[miranova]

Oh and I forgot to mention, in my case, I had already received a "save the date".  So I got a save the date, then an invitation to a shower, RSVP'd to the shower, then received the nonvite to the wedding reception, with the registry info included.  I kind of think after you've sent save the date out to someone, you've committed to inviting that person!!!

There are actually HCs out there who don't understand how STDs are supposed to work.  They think that you send them to everyone you might eventually like to invite.  Then, months later, they send the real invitations out to the guests that made the "cut".

How tacky. (!) I wonder what the non-invitee is supposed to do, having saved the date as requested? Sit around wondering what happened to the invitation that was expected?

Some people hadn't yet received their facebook nonvitations when I went to the shower.  They were still wondering where their invitation was.  Since I knew that the "real" invitations for the real guests had already been mailed, I knew I was talking to someone who wouldn't be getting one.  It was awkward.  Since it was a friend of mine, I ended up sharing that actually some people aren't being invited to the reception and I was one of them.  I basically said maybe you will still get an invitation but wanted to warn her in case she was still holding the weekend open for no reason.  She was not invited, it turned out.

When I got the save the date card months earlier, I DID save the date and avoided an out of town trip that my husband and I wanted to go on.  When I got my nonvitation, luckily we were able to still book the trip.  If I wouldn't have been able to, I am not sure if I would have been able to remain polite to the bride.