Dear Prudence: Non-invitations to weddings

[mrkitty]

@Miranova: so, basically the bride (or MOH or whomever) manipulated a gift out of you - at least, that's how *I* read the situation. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but what a rotten thing to do! 

[miranova]

@Miranova: so, basically the bride (or MOH or whomever) manipulated a gift out of you - at least, that's how *I* read the situation. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but what a rotten thing to do! 

I don't think the bride planned it all out from the beginning.  I think she may have intended to invite everyone to her reception and costs got away with her or something.  The right thing to do in that situation is to scale back your reception plans to what you can afford, not disinvite people who you have already sent a save the date to.  I mean, I do think basic budgeting for the wedding needs to happen BEFORE sending someone a save the date.  At the very least, I should not have been invited to THREE gift giving events after being noninvited to the reception, but I was.  I only went to the first, because I had already RSVP'd yes to that one.  I declined the other two.

[fluffy]

Oh sure, I saw that.  But any columnist giving etiquette related advice who links to e-how isn't furthering the cause of etiquette!

I wish I could remember the things I've heard in real life that were traced back to e-how.  I don't even know who comes up with their stuff.

I'm fairly positive that the link to the ehow page was to show it as a bad example. Basically, she was saying "look, there really are people out there who think this way."

[PeterM]

Somewhere in one of Miss Manners' books is a letter from a Gentle Reader who got a shower invitation with an added note "I regret space does not permit your attendance."

Do you remember Miss manners response?

No matter what her written response was, I'd bet cash money her initial, instinctive response was unprintable.

[jmarvellous]

We are feeling bad about not being able to invite more than immediate family and a few close, local friends to our wedding, but space and budget won't permit more (current guest list less than 25; if I were to invite my mom's family -- just her siblings, their spouses, and my first cousins -- that would add more than 30 people to the list! BF's family is similar in size though not as close; venue holds 40 max).

Here I was under the impression that marriage announcements (post-wedding) to loved ones who don't make the strict cut were acceptable. I'd never dream of a "WARNING: You are not invited!" before the wedding, though!

(Wait, are announcements OK?)

[Specky]

Prudence linked to the article, stating she "found this gem," so I'm pretty certain she found it appalling as well.

We had something very similar happen last year.  We received a STD followed eventually by an invitation that was rescinded the same day it hit the mailbox.  "We just wanted you to feel a part of things, but you aren't really invited."

[m2kbug]

Dear Prudence also alluded to the fact that with social networking sites and posting about the upcoming nuptials might leave some friends who might expect an invitation feeling rather bitter, so maybe this is an effort to include non-invites, not that the suggestions were all that good.  She also expressed that this gesture should only be for those that are close, and probably limiting how much you post is a good idea.  We may be seeing a shift in certain etiquette practices because of social sites??  Having your non-invitees be your servants or invite them to the bridal shower or shlep around town for shoes is certainly not a good solution.  I can't think of any better way to appease the situation.   I think accepting the fact you're not all that close that you get an invite is the only route.  I watched wedding planning play out on FB, and I admit I was hurt that I wasn't invited, but I also realize that we're not that terribly close.  Purposefully sending out a "you're not invited" announcement is just wrong. 

[gramma dishes]

I think it would be funny to respond to a non-invitation with "Who are you, again?"

     LOVE this!!

[Julian]

We had something very similar happen last year.  We received a STD followed eventually by an invitation that was rescinded the same day it hit the mailbox.  "We just wanted you to feel a part of things, but you aren't really invited."

  My jaw nearly shattered on the desk reading that.  Seriously, what the heck were they thinking???   

[wolfie]

We are feeling bad about not being able to invite more than immediate family and a few close, local friends to our wedding, but space and budget won't permit more (current guest list less than 25; if I were to invite my mom's family -- just her siblings, their spouses, and my first cousins -- that would add more than 30 people to the list! BF's family is similar in size though not as close; venue holds 40 max).

Here I was under the impression that marriage announcements (post-wedding) to loved ones who don't make the strict cut were acceptable. I'd never dream of a "WARNING: You are not invited!" before the wedding, though!

(Wait, are announcements OK?)

Yes - announcements are to let people know you got married after the fact. They are 100% okay.

[Hmmmmm]

You know, I can understand where this is coming from, even thought it's very bad adviceIt's about trying to make someone feel "involved" even if they can't come to your wedding.It's part of the "it's rude to tell anyone 'no'!" mentality. She's hoping that the people so treated will feel like guests in everything except actually being there on the day.

It's totally ineffective, of course, and very rude. But I can, alas, see people thinking that this would actually placate someone by sending the message " I can't invite you. But see! I still want to spend time with you doing weddingy things! It's not my fault!"

But why would someone believe that a friend or relative who is not close enough to be invited to a wedding care enough about the wedding to want to be involved?  I'm not talking about a destination wedding or one with a very small guest list of immediate family and very close friends.  But one where a wider range of family and friends are being invited. 

[mrkitty]

You know, I can understand where this is coming from, even thought it's very bad adviceIt's about trying to make someone feel "involved" even if they can't come to your wedding.It's part of the "it's rude to tell anyone 'no'!" mentality. She's hoping that the people so treated will feel like guests in everything except actually being there on the day.

It's totally ineffective, of course, and very rude. But I can, alas, see people thinking that this would actually placate someone by sending the message " I can't invite you. But see! I still want to spend time with you doing weddingy things! It's not my fault!"

But why would someone believe that a friend or relative who is not close enough to be invited to a wedding care enough about the wedding to want to be involved?  I'm not talking about a destination wedding or one with a very small guest list of immediate family and very close friends.  But one where a wider range of family and friends are being invited.

I personally think the reason is because some brides seem to have an overdeveloped sense of the importance of their own wedding. I think part of the reason for this is the pervasiveness of overblown "celebrity" weddings and all those wedding planning shows on TV. While entertaining (to me), I think it leaves more impressionable, less "life-experienced" brides with the idea that their wedding is supposed to be less a sacred joining of lives but an EVENT - and that everyone, of course, would cherish the wonderful news that they are important enough to be a part of the EVENT even if just to serve appetizers.

That's the other thing - these theme weddings. When did weddings start having themes? What happened to just choosing your colors and ordering food, flowers and a cake? And when did it become necessary for a bride to wear one dress to the ceremony and a second one at the reception?  It just seems like there's a lot of pressure to have events like this, even if it's really beyond the means to do so - I say this because several brides within my own family or people I know have done this and, well...I don't know.

End thread hijack. 

[White Lotus]

If you cannot afford a wedding that includes everyone you might like to celebrate with, elope (with maybe a few people -- parents, sibs, honor attendants -- but maybe not) and have an "at home" or open house (you can have several, if you need to) when you get back.  Just as nice, more correct, and significantly cheaper to make up for all those gifts you will not be getting.  If your family wants to throw a "to meet..." Or "in honor of..." party, that is fine, too, as long as you don't pretend it is a wedding.  I agree with "event of the century" thinking causing this highly overblown wedding-takes-a-year and everyone-you-ever-met-must-participate nonsense.  An industry is once again creating a spurious "need" and moving into the breech to fill it.  If something like this happens in my life, I will be delighted to send the gift of an etiquette book.

[CluelessBride]

You know, to be fair, I don't think this phrasing from the OP (or similar)

I would really love for you to be in attendance on such a special day in my life, but because of out tight budget for the wedding, I was not able to invite as many people as I would have liked.

would be completely inappropriate for gently correcting someone who mistakenly assumed they were invited. I don't think its the phrasing I would use (in particular I'm not thrilled about the wording before the first comma). But I wouldn't hold it against someone if they were caught off guard and used it in reply to, "Oh, I'm so excited for your wedding! I already have my shoes picked out!" from someone not invited.

But of course *assuming* someone is *assuming* they are invited and sending them a dis-invitation is awful on 2 counts.
1. You are implying that they would not be able to graciously accept that they weren't invited when no invitation arrives.
2. You are coming out and saying "you are not welcome at this event"

And the real bonus of the situation is that people who actually wouldn't be able to graciously accept not receiving an invite will probably also be unable to graciously accept a dis-invite. So really there is no winning....