Dear Prudence: Non-invitations to weddings

[donnamos2]

I read this today and nearly had a stroke.

In an advice column, a woman was perplexed because she had just received two non-invites to weddings where she hadn't really expected to be invited in the first place. She was asking if this was something new in etiquette, that you not only don't send an invitation, but go to the trouble to confirm the non-invitation.  The advice columnist wrote that this was definitely a breach of etiquette, but linked to a website where they actually gave advice to brides to the contrary:

Explain to them your budget for the wedding and let them know how important they are to you. Example: I would really love for you to be in attendance on such a special day in my life, but because of out tight budget for the wedding, I was not able to invite as many people as I would have liked. But if possible, I would love for you to help me find a dress, look for a shoes, pick a cake, etc..

Oh, and a little tip added to the end: Never flat out say, "You are not invited," but make it clear that there is a reason. If possible, invite them to be a part of the wedding by being a host or hosts. Also, invite them to your wedding shower, if possible.

The ONLY thing that mitigated this horrible advice was the drubbing it was receiving in the comments - the commenters could not believe just how many well-established rules this violated, plus just how hurtful this would be when practiced: "Yeah, you don't get to come, but let's schlep around looking for my dress and buy me a present, too!"  But how many potential brides are going to read the comments?  Headed your way: lots of non-invites for wedding tucked into wedding shower invitations.

Has this happened to anyone here?

[siamesecat2965]

Wow - just when you think you've seen it all. I myself would prefer simply not to be invited, than receive something like this. I tend to go with the it's not rude if you don't know about it, or aren't invited, where this approach seems more "in your face" and obvious, and more likely to cause hurt feelings.

I have a friend, who I know, but am not particularly close to.  She is very close with one of my close friends, if that makes any sense.  She recently got married, and I was wasn't invited to the wedding, but my other friend was. Which I was perfectly fine with. Quite frankly, I would have been surprised if I had been invited.

But had she sent out something like the OP describes, it would not have made me feel good at all. I am mature enough to know that they probalby had limited space, and as we aren't that close, I didn't warrant an invite.  I did however, congratulate her on Facebook, and wish them well. 

[Flora Louise]

Baboons in the zoo know better than this. 

[Sharnita]

You know, I could see if somebody was talking as if they were taking it for granted that they were going to be invited and you needed to break it to them that they weren't (thinking a work aquaintance or something)

[mrkitty]

YOU are not invited, but your gift is. And while you're not invited to share in my joy, you ARE invited to share in the effort and expense of helping me prepare for the wedding, AND while you are not welcome to participate in the celebration or partake in the enjoyment of refreshments, you ARE invited to provide them at your cost and serve them at my fabulous event.

In other words, you're not good enough to participate in my life, except as an unpaid servant.

Yeah. I can see how that would go over really well. 

[bah12]

I can see explaining to someone why they aren't invited if they are asking or assuming that they will be.  I can even see someone saying that they really want to do something for/with the bride or groom for the wedding and having to explain that while they are welcome to do something outside of the wedding if they want, budget constraints do not allow a wedding invitation.

I would not preemptively tell people that they weren't invited or why, nor would I offer them a consolation prize of helping me pick out a dress or coming to a shower in lieu of coming to the wedding.

[Cat-Fu]

In case anyone is curious, the article is here: http://www.ehow.com/how_4962898_tell-someone-not-invited-wedding.html

It also encourages having a B list.

[Hmmmmm]

Oh thank goodness.  I thought this advice was actually on website of someone who pretended to be an authority on weddings.  This is just a college student coming up with her on rules since she has never learned proper wedding etiquette. 

I wasn't able to see the comments.  I hope someone points her to the wedding bell's site so she can learn some basics on being polite to guests.

[Flora Louise]

Under the subhead Tips and Warnings, comes this gem, "No matter how nice you may tell someone that she's not invited, she may still be upset." 

Really?

[miranova]

YOU are not invited, but your gift is.

Exactly.

This just happened to me recently.  The bride is as sweet as sweet can be.  Innocent and vulnerable.  Even to VERY bad advice, apparently.  Because I received a Facebook nonvitation to her reception, with the remark that I could still attend the service and a link to the registry information.

I know it is extraordinarily rude, but I also know that she probably did it thinking it was completely in the clear, because she honestly is that naive.  And now that I know that this is actually being given out as advice, it makes it clear that she probably read it and decided that this was the answer to her budgeting woes.

I declined to attend the wedding, but had already attended the shower.

I saw the bride a month or so after the wedding and she was just as friendly and sweet as always....I don't think it even occurred to her that it wasn't polite.  I'm letting it go because I know it wasn't overtly malicious, but if she ever asks why I didn't attend her wedding, I might have to give her the courtesy of the truth so that she doens't make this mistake in the future (well a similar mistake...I guess she can't make the same mistake since she presumably won't have another wedding anytime soon).

[LeveeWoman]

I read this today and nearly had a stroke.

In an advice column, a woman was perplexed because she had just received two non-invites to weddings where she hadn't really expected to be invited in the first place. She was asking if this was something new in etiquette, that you not only don't send an invitation, but go to the trouble to confirm the non-invitation.  The advice columnist wrote that this was definitely a breach of etiquette, but linked to a website where they actually gave advice to brides to the contrary:

Explain to them your budget for the wedding and let them know how important they are to you. Example: I would really love for you to be in attendance on such a special day in my life, but because of out tight budget for the wedding, I was not able to invite as many people as I would have liked. But if possible, I would love for you to help me find a dress, look for a shoes, pick a cake, etc..

Oh, and a little tip added to the end: Never flat out say, "You are not invited," but make it clear that there is a reason. If possible, invite them to be a part of the wedding by being a host or hosts. Also, invite them to your wedding shower, if possible.

The ONLY thing that mitigated this horrible advice was the drubbing it was receiving in the comments - the commenters could not believe just how many well-established rules this violated, plus just how hurtful this would be when practiced: "Yeah, you don't get to come, but let's schlep around looking for my dress and buy me a present, too!"  But how many potential brides are going to read the comments?  Headed your way: lots of non-invites for wedding tucked into wedding shower invitations.

Has this happened to anyone here?

Maybe Regionmon's co-worker learned her "etiquette" there.

[Bright]

The advice columnist wrote that this was definitely a breach of etiquette, but linked to a website where they actually gave advice to brides to the contrary:

I think Prudie was being rather tongue in cheek when she linked to that website. The full text of her reply is the last letter on
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/01/dear_prudence_my_white_boyfriend_said_the_n_word.single.html

[loopyluna]

I got just such a nonvitation a few years back from a high school friend. I wouldn't have batted an eye at not being invited; we went to college in different states and just naturally drifted apart, and I'd only met her husband once. Instead, she sent me an email explaining about her budget and the church size (actually the first communication we'd had in a year). For crying out loud, I understood that our distanced friendship might not mesh with her budget, and I hadn't said a word to her that suggested I expected an invitation. It would have made much more sense for her to just quietly not invite me instead of drawing attention to it.

I was actually planning to send her a token gift from her registry (not trying to fish for an invitation, just something small to show that I wished her well), but the nonvitation sat with me so poorly that I changed my mind. Sending a gift of my own volition without being invited was one thing; sending one because I was "important to her but they just couldn't fit me in at the reception, but I totally would have been invited if they had more money" was something quite different.

[PastryGoddess]

CRUD MONKEYS! I was just coming here to post the same thing. What's next...special non-invited cards

[Drunken Housewife]

Has anyone received a "you're not invited to the wedding" announcement?  See the latest Dear Prudence, the last letter: 

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/01/dear_prudence_my_white_boyfriend_said_the_n_word.2.html

Prudence had not heard of this before and found the following appalling advice:

http://www.ehow.com/how_4962898_tell-someone-not-invited-wedding.html#ixzz2DNSh4jR6

How incredibly horrible, to tell someone that they cannot come to your wedding due to space limitations but that they are invited to your shower (to give you a gift), to help you pick out a cake (which they won't get to sample), and that although they can't come to the wedding, they can be a host of the wedding in some way.   Just awful.  That is some of the worst etiquette advice I have ever run across, that eHow Prudence found.

How common is this?  Has anyone encountered it?