Yet another reason social media=bad manners

[Calypso]

Today's Dear Prudence, last letter

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/01/dear_prudence_my_white_boyfriend_said_the_n_word.2.html

the gist: people are evidently sending out "you're not invited to my wedding" notices to the non-invitees.....I guess because otherwise they might see posts about the wedding on social media and wonder "where's my invitation?"

I agree with Prudie. Once upon a time, all you needed to know you weren't invited was to....not get an invitation. Of course, that was before the non-invited got to read months of "what I'm doing for my wedding" posts on Facebook......I can't really see how Fbook is improving life as we know it.

But then, I'm a curmudgeon. 


ETA my question: has anybody here ever heard of this? done it? Had it done to them? Never heard of it, but can see the necessity of it?

[Cat-Fu]

Ha, I just stumbled on this thread coming from this one, about the same thing! (Except I didn't realize the advice column was Dear Prudence!) http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=123989.0

I disagree with Prudie; I don't really think facebook has anything to do with it at all. I think the culprit is terrible advice columns like the one Prudie links.

[Calypso]

Whoops! Thanks, Cat-Fu.

[elephantschild]

I can't say I agree. I love Facebook and it's definitely approved life for me by putting me back in touch with people I might never have encountered again.   (I'm better friends now with some high school classmates than I ever would have predicted when I was that horribly shy small-town kid!)

I think you approach it the same way you did before Facebook. Either way, people will find out you were married and they were not invited. And they can handle it well or badly according to their feelings about it and maturity levels.

I've backed off a friendship a bit when I realized someone I know wasn't going to invite me to the wedding. It was more a "OK, I thought we were closer than we are. Good to know" situation. Facebook had nothing to do with it. It's just another way to find out. It's going to happen one way or another.

The "you're not invited" notices are appalling no matter what.  

[thedudeabides]

Social media =/= bad manners any more than any other form of communication automatically = bad manners.  That's a complete lack of logic.  Rude people will be rude in person, on the phone, via telegram, via text, on Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media they choose.  Polite people will be polite.

[WillyNilly]

IMO the problem is people think the old rules don't apply to new media.  Its always been rude to talk about a party you are throwing in front of people you aren't inviting.  Posting about your up-coming wedding in status' seen by people not invited is tacky and, well, rude. Just because its Facebook the rules still stand.

Sure people will still find out you got married, but they would have found out eventually without social media, just as people have been finding out such things for as long as marriage and communities have existed. But so long as you aren't "in your face" about your wedding, people tend to not pay your upcoming wedding much thought unless they are already close to you.

[Slartibartfast]

Posting something on Facebook/Twitter is like standing in front of all your "friends" with a megaphone and shouting things at them.  You can't pick and choose who hears it.  You can try to get around that - selectively allowing followers, making multiple accounts, private feeds, etc. - but ultimately you have to self-censor what you put online.

I'll freely admit I sometimes post things on Twitter that I wouldn't if my mother were on it (and following me) - she doesn't need to know everything.  But I also opt to not mention when I've been invited to a party, when I'm going on vacation, when I've got a semi-private event going on, etc. because I have overlapping groups of friends and I can usually think of at least one person who would get their feelings hurt if they realized I was doing X and didn't invite them along.  Some things really are still better done in person.

[artk2002]

This is something like the 3rd thread started over this particular Prudence column. Could people please go looking for duplicates before posting?!?!?

[Cat-Fu]

Art, I think this thread is actually separate from the other two (which were merged by a mod, it seems) in that it is focusing more on the "technoquette" of discussing events on facebook.

[Specky]

Did anyone check out the link in the Dear Prudie letter?  The linked article encouraged the creation of A and B lists, inviting the non-invited to participate in wedding activities (shoe/dress buying, etc.) and to make sure that the uninvited were invited to the bridal shower. 

Thunk!  Head hit the floor when I went over backwards.