The rudest email I have ever seen... from a (work) "friend"!

[PoisonIvy]

My friend "Jackie" (very close to PoisonIggy and me) has a flatmate, Let's-Call-Her-Harriet, who also occasionally socializes with us.  Harriet works in the fashion industry as a junior designer for a known high-end fashion label.  PoisonIggy is a photographer, and Harriet has hooked him up with a few jobs with the label, first doing their look-books (which is like a catalogue that is sent to retailers to sell the line).  They were very impressed with Poison Iggy's work and with him as a person - they even sent him an email gushing about what a pleasure he was to work with, especially as they have to deal with "diva" attitudes all the time, even from the photographers -  and subsequently gave him a job for their Japanese advertising campaign (which is a BIG deal).  Again, they loved his work, and went out of their way to tell him so.  This was in July or August of 2006.

Fast forward to this week.  PoisonIggy drops Harriet an email at work, wishing her a happy new year and enquiring about any upcoming projects.  This is how Harriet responded:

Happy new year darling!!!!
 
Don't worry PoisonIggy, I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything about a shoot you could do. Frankly it irritates me if you keep asking. (I'm in a really bad mood right now, sorry if I'm rude.)
 
I've always called you right away when there was a shoot I knew something about and it looked like you could do it, so just be patient and please wait until I call you. Cool?
 
The look book shoots are sometime end of february or beginning of march, if you haven't heard from me by mid-march, somebody else's friend/husband/lover/whatever got the job. The japanese accessories shoot went to one of the designer's hubby, so he might be used again in the future but I wasn't involved so I don't know any more about that.
 
 
XXXXXXXXXXX Harriet

Is it just me, or is this BEYOND RUDE?  Harriet is not one of those air-kissing types from The Devil Wears Prada, and although she's not a close friend, she has come over to our house on numerous occasions for dinner, and I have treated her to several free concerts with VIP passes (I work in the entertainment industry).  She can be a bit blunt at times, but I think the above just takes the proverbial biscuit.  And the last time PoisonIggy mentioned work to her was when he delivered the photographs for his last shoot in August.  There has been no other work-related contact since then, and he rarely speaks about work in a social context, so it's not like he's been pestering her.

I'm not sure how I will react next time I see Harriet.  (I haven't mentioned this to Jackie, who is one of my best friends.) I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to get her free concert tickets or invite her to my home any time soon.

[dawbs]

are you sure you have the *whole* story?

Because you are saying PoisonIggy isn't pestering Harriet, while Harriet's e-mail is stating (quite clearly) that she feels she is being pestered.  Which means somehow, things are being crossed enough that she feels pestered or else he is pestering her...how sure can you be there is now work-related contact?

(honestly, I don't find the e-mail all that rude.  Granted, I don't have the full context, but I see this e-mail as a blunt but not rude way of saying "I'll get you X, but you need to back off".)

[PoisonIvy]

The last time they communicated was October, when she emailed to say she was making a visit to her home country and would he like her to bring back (native specialty) for him.  As it turned out, she couldn't get it, and that was it.  I'm certain that he hasn't been pestering her, especially as he's been working for other clients so he wouldn't need to contact her about work anyway.  I think it was really unnecessary for her to say that's he "keeps asking" because he hasn't even mentioned work in close to five months.  That's hardly pestering.  I could say that her asking me for free tickets to concerts, which happens far more often, is pestering.  If I can't accomodate her, I tell her politely.

Maybe it isn't outright rude, but I do think it's kind of like using a cannon to kill a mosquito.

[FoxPaws]

I could say that her asking me for free tickets to concerts, which happens far more often, is pestering.

Well, the next time she asks you for tickets, you know how to word the reply.  

[LJM]

"Frankly it irritates me if you keep asking. (I'm in a really bad mood right now, sorry if I'm rude.)"

I'd be tempted to respond "I'm sorry-- I don't remember talking business with you since I dropped off the photos last August. Is there an incident I'm forgetting? Or might you be confusing me with someone else? In any event, I hope you had a happy new year."

I'm suspicious that other people may be pestering her a lot, and in the middle of the "bad mood" he caught her in, she lashed out for that frustration at the wrong person (at least that's the generous way of looking at it.)

In any event, taking up the high road while trying to clear up any potential misunderstanding is probably the best bet.

Regardless, I think I'd still be pumb out of "free tickets" for a while...

[Mikayla]

I agree it was stated very poorly, but I think your title led me to expect something more egregious.

If this is truly the rudest one you've ever seen, you're living right.  

[PoisonIvy]

Heh, I guess looking at it in a more neutral context it wasn't so bad.  But Iggy was so stung by her response I just saw red.  I get very upset when people are unkind to my loved ones.

[Hawkwatcher]

While there is nothing wrong with being assertive and asking people to back off, I can see why "Iggy" was hurt by the email.  If I had gotten this email I would have been offend by the comment "somebody else's friend/husband/lover/whatever got the job."  This comment implies the only reason Iggy was considered for this job was because of his relationship to you or Harriet and not because of his ability.

[PoisonIvy]

If I had gotten this email I would have been offend by the comment "somebody else's friend/husband/lover/whatever got the job."  This comment implies the only reason Iggy was considered for this job was because of his relationship to you or Harriet and not because of his ability.

I was particularly offended by that line too.  If that was the case, fer chrissakes, don't SAY it.  Sure, it is a business that is all about "who you know" - but he was asked back on more than one occasion because he was *gasp* good at his job and *double gasp* pleasant to work with. 

I guess the thing that gets my back up is that she knows she was being rude (she said it in the email), so common sense and etiquette should dictate that one calms down a bit before sending the email.  It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine... you know, when people start off a sentence with "No offence meant, but" and following it with a statement that causes offence.  To me it just says "I know perfectly well that this will hurt or offend you, but my opinion is more important than your feelings, so go jump."   

[ShadesOfGrey]

Um, correct me if I am wrong, but isnt this between Harriet and PoisonIggy? How exactly does this affect you? I dont understand why you would have to temper your reaction to Harriet.

I think the only involvement you should have is to suggest to PoisonIggy to develop a new contact at this company.  Harriet is clearly not a reliable business associate.  If they liked him that much, it shouldnt be a problem to find one. 

[PoisonIvy]

Um, correct me if I am wrong, but isnt this between Harriet and PoisonIggy? How exactly does this affect you? I dont understand why you would have to temper your reaction to Harriet.

Sure, it's between her and my boyfriend.  I just don't feel compelled to extend anything but the most basic of courtesy to people who treat my loved ones rudely.  So, the next time Harriet asks me for free concert tickets, the answer will be no.

To be honest your response sounds a bit snarky.  But maybe I'm reading it wrong.

[platys]

I keep thinking about this post.

Honestly, while its a bit brusk, I don't think its rude.  It actually lays out what people are told all the time in this forum - it explains the person's feelings, what she'll do, and what she can't do.

In this case, for whatever reason, the person who sent this email is being put upon.  She probalby feels that whatever hints she's been throwing have been ignored (or not picked up on) and felt like she needed to lay it out on the table.  Really, what she said was:

1.  She didn't have any work currently.
2.  Lots of people are interested in these jobs, and everyone has relatives and friends asking for them.
3.  If she hears of anything, she'll tell you.

As a person who often gets asked for "favors", its pretty easy to get burned out and start feeling like you are only needed for what you can do for people.  Especially when you don't have anything you can do for them, and they keep asking.  Now, I'm sure you didn't mean for her to feel like that.  I personally would apologize, and then wait for her to come forward with work.   Your boyfriend should have his own contacts as well by now in the organization.

[ShadesOfGrey]

To be honest your response sounds a bit snarky.  But maybe I'm reading it wrong.

Such is the problem with online communication everywhere.  Imagine my state of questioning to be pretty matter-of-fact, rather than snarky. 

[PoisonIvy]

As a person who often gets asked for "favors", its pretty easy to get burned out and start feeling like you are only needed for what you can do for people.  Especially when you don't have anything you can do for them, and they keep asking.  Now, I'm sure you didn't mean for her to feel like that.  I personally would apologize, and then wait for her to come forward with work.   Your boyfriend should have his own contacts as well by now in the organization.

I do understand this point - I am constantly asked for favors and freebies myself, and as I mentioned before, Harriet is one of the people who has asked me for freebies on multiple occasions.  It irritates me, but if I can't help I just say, "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible".  I don't respond with "You know Harriet, it really gets on my nerves when you ask me for free concert tickets to every show that x band plays.  I know you're a fan, and I always keep you in mind if I have extra tickets."  I'd probably be within my rights to do so, but I don't because I don't want to make harriet feel uncomfortable.

Anyway, when PoisonIggy told me about this, the first thing I asked him was "How many times did you ask her?" and he honestly asked only once.  If he'd been mailing every 3 weeks I could understand her getting irritated by it, but that wasn't the case. 

Perhaps we're both oversensitive.

Such is the problem with online communication everywhere.  Imagine my state of questioning to be pretty matter-of-fact, rather than snarky.

Thank you for clarifying.  I'm glad I was mistaken. 

I do appreciate all the replies.  I think my etiquette dial must be set to "extra-sensitive" lately...

[lolane]

I am thinking that perhaps she is feeling like the only time people contact her is when they want something. Personally, when I read this I thought, if they are friends, he should have seperated his wishes for a happy new year from his questions about possible job opportunities. It could easily be viewed as "you were only wishing me a happy new year as a way to ask me about work, not because you genuinely cared about me having a happy new year."

ETA: I am not saying that was his intention, but that perhaps (in her bad mood?) she viewed it that way.