General Etiquette > Family and Children

The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?

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Autumn Rose:
I need your help.   Desperately.
 
I need your wise words to help me with this “opportunity”.

Bullet point background:

1.   I love my mother.   Wonderful childhood.   She and my father did everything they could for me.   

2.   I am an only child.

3.   My father passed 11 years ago.   She has been alone since.   

4.   She helped raise my son (although I paid her) and has been an integral part of our lives.

5.   She has lived on and off with me for 10 years.  (ex:   when she was watching my son, her house was 45 minutes away…so she would stay with me for the week.  (sigh)        Ex2 – when I moved to a new state, she moved in with me until she could “find her own place”….years later..

6.   3 years ago I married a wonderful (and patient) man.   She was living with me until we got engaged…and then moved to her own place.

7.    Through her own fiscal irresponsibility  (my father left her with enough to live on)   she now has (literally) a few thousand in the bank – and lives off her Social Security = $1000mo.

8.   She has repeatedly ignored/scoffed/refused financial advice.

9.   A year ago, she gave up her apartment (because they were raising her rent) and came up with a “fabulous idea”  to “travel and see her friends for a year”.   That lasted 6 months and then she was back at our place.   

10.   When she moved back in “temporarily”, DH and I discussed how this should be handled.   We decided that she could help with the expenses and pay us $100 week.  50% less than her payment for a 1/1 apt.    Nice home.   including utilities, her own room and sitting area.      parking her car in the garage...etc.

11.   None of this would even be required if it wasn’t such a “chore” to have her here.    She is over-the-top critical.    To the point where HER friends are telling us to get her out!

12.   She hasn’t paid anything since November.   And when I asked her today for Jan rent, she replied…I can’t pay you anything.  (excuse, excuse)

If she was a nice, kind, gentle person…this would not even be a question.   But she is not.   She is critical, demanding, and (I hate to admit it) pretty selfish.   She does not appreciate what we offer her – instead acts as if this is almost her due.

I am over it.   My husband  (and only through his generosity has it lasted THIS long) is over it.
Even my darling son, (who adores his grandma)  is now old enough to recognize that she is constantly nagging.

So….
“What is the ‘proper’,  ‘etiquette approved way’ to kick your mother out”?  :(


(sorry if I posted in the wrong place.   this is such a hot mess...i dont even know where it belongs!  :)

Seraphim:
Wow..

I really wish I had some advice for you. The only suggestion I can make is for both you and your DH to sit her down and explain that you need to live your lives, and she needs to live hers, oh and by the way, have you seen these new rental appartments that are in the next town over?

Wishing you all the best - and sending virtual support!

Ladybugs:
Hello,

Based on the bullet points, I would take a step back and sit down with your husband to discuss how to handle what your uncomfortable with...rather than making plans to oust her.  I'm basing this from your background you gave that she's been a wonderful mother, gave you a great childhood, and that she and your dad did everything they could for you, and that she was very generous in helping you to raise your son which was invaluable and she did it while she lived almost an hour away.
So Instead of quickly making plans to oust her I would sit down at a time when your not in the middle of feeling upset, and maybe make a list of some things that bothering you and then think of possible things to ease those affronts and think of some ways to make life more doable with her there rather than focusing your sights on ousting her

WillyNilly:
I think the best method here is to be fully armed with a "no-excuses" plan.  Have several listings for apartments she can afford at the ready.  Have a definite plan on how to move her out (moving companies, plans to rent a truck and friends lined up ready to help).  Have a plan for any obstacle she may raise (she doesn't have a sofa or TV - have listings of affordable options for sale, or plan to gift her one, etc).  Then you sit her down and you give her a date and you make her sign an agreement saying she will be out by that date.  And then you hold her to it and you change the locks.

As for what to say, start off gently and thanking her for her help and support over the years. Then say "but honestly it is not healthy for our family to have you here. when we got married we formed a family unit separate from you. And we need to establish and maintain that family unit." Then as she puts up reasons she can't, you pull out all your research to show her, yes she can... and she has to.

LeveeWoman:
I don't want to "go legal" on you and get this thread locked but, you might want to check out landlord/tenant laws in your area.

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