The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?

[TootsNYC]

Both you and your DH need to sit down with her. "Mom, when you moved in, we said you could do so WITH CONDITIONS.  One of those conditions was that you pay us $100 a week. You haven't paid us for X weeks.  (insert any other conditions she's failed to meet too)  We've thought long and hard about this, and we're not happy with what's happening and we feel this is not working for us anymore. You either need to start paying us what you agreed to, as well as your back rent, or you need to leave by Y date (two months at the most, I'd say, is enough time to find a little place).  We'll help you look and move, but if you are not out by Y date, we will move you out ourselves." 

Guys! It's not about the money; the money is just one small aspect of why the resentment is so high.

They want her to move out because she is unpleasant to live with--she nags and nags and nags.

(I think part of that hypercritical-ness may be because she is unhappy. Being overly critical or angry a lot is a symptom of depression, actually. This arrangement is probably not good for her either.)

WillyNilly's advice is very good.

And start doing some of the legwork, just a little. Start saying, "Oh, look, here's a nice price on a decent apartment for you, Mom!" As caz suggested, just start having constant conversations that treat her moving out as a foregone conclusion. It'll help make it more real to her.

You might also start getting critical back.--when she nags, etc., immediately say, "You know Mom, that sort of comment is exactly the reason why you need to get your own place, and pronto. It's not good for you to be constantly in this critical mood. And to be honest, it's not good for me. It's making me really annoyed with you, and I *love* you. I hate it. We're in each other's business too much."

Start making "living with you" have some serious downsides. Politely, as I suggested above, but irritations.

(also try making sure she gets out of your house some, to build her own activities in town.)

[bopper]

Was your mother always this cranky, or has this gotten worse with age?  If so, perhaps her doctor could help. 

Dear Abby would have suggested that you introduce her to some men her age.  Are all of her friends annoyed with her, or is there a chance to get her involved in more activities outside of the house?

I was thinking along these lines...Was she independent before and now is losing control of her money?  It could be there is a medical issue going on.

Does she have no "life" so she is attaching herself to yours?  Does she have friends to do things with? Is she involved with a church/synagogue/volunteering? 

I think you may need to talk to your DH and see what you are willing to deal with.
Maybe it that you are willing to help her pay for an apt.

So you sit her down and say "Mom, when you moved in here, it was under the understanding that you would be paying rent and {whatever else conditions you had}.  Now you have stopped. Quite frankly, you seem miserable here. You have many complaints...clearly it seems you want your home to be run a certain way.  I have found a cute apartment that is only 15 minutes away and you can walk to shopping.  We would be willing to help you pay for your security deposit.  We would love to have you over for dinner every Sunday. But something needs to change."

[Ladybugs]

Besides the idea of having her move out, there is another option I think I would strongly consider in large part bc as you say she helped you raise your son when you were on your own, ..it sounds like from the post,  she gave up alot of her own life in doing this to help you as she lived almost an hour away...even if she lived right next door it was very generous of her to do so and must have been very beneficial to your son , if not i assume you wouodnt have wanted her raising him.  I'm assuming your son greatly benefitted from this having a grandparent care for him instead of other options which usually aren't the same as being cared for by grandma or grandpa. This isn't the only reason but its a big one that would make me really not want to now think of ousting her, also she's been an integral part of you and sons life. This has been of tremendous value, a loving grandparent who is a part of grandchilds life as invaluable, ..I'm assuming this has been very positive benefit for your son since you wanted her to continue help raise him.
 So based in large part on this I would consider other options besides her moving out, to help make the living situation more pleasant in other words so that you don't need to think of it in terms of ousting her. My grandparents lived across the country from me growing up and I know I lost out on alot by not having them more closely involved in my life

[anonymousmac]

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say that my answer depends on your mother's age and medical condition.  If her mental state and ability to care for herself financially are deteriorating, which sounds possible from your description, then you might no longer be dealing with the etiquette of ousting an unpleasant housemate, but with the issue of caring for aging family.

Even if you were to manage to get her out of your house, you might not be able to just go on with your life without dealing with her issues.

I'd recommend that you find a counselor, or someone trained in elder care issues, to help you figure out what you're willing to do, what your options are, and how to proceed.  It's not easy, and I wish you the best of luck.

[magician5]

You could try, as a first strategy, asking your mother to formulate her own plan for finding her own place to live. Easier for you to make some adjustments to that plan ("Three months is really more than we were thinking of, how about one month?") than to impose your own plan directly.

[Redneck Gravy]

I agree with pp about setting a date.  I don't know how tight the housing market is in your area but if there are available apartments help her find one.  Just keep shining your spine and tell her that you and DH want your privacy/life back and would be more comfortable with her living somewhere else.  Lather, rinse, repeat with your spine!

The evil redneck in me says start talking about nursing homes - nothing seems to get a parent moving faster than suggesting they need to be in one.  And maybe she does but I have yet to meet a family with a parent looking forward to being "shoved off" into a nursing home.

There are many fine assisted living facilities in my area and there are some awful nursing homes here too...it's a tough job to find a good fit. 

And please don't blast me because other posters have had to turn to a nursing home for their family members, again they serve a need and it's a very tough position to be in.  Not everyone "shoves" their parents into a nursing home, sometimes it is just the best alternative available and family members continue to visit and assist in their care.

[Outdoor Girl]

I'm throwing out an additional suggestion to consider:

Is it possible to construct an 'In-law' suite or apartment in your home?  Above the garage, in the basement, section off part of the main floor, etc.  So that Mom could have her own space separate from you, complete with her own bedroom, bathroom, sitting area and kitchenette.  And then set strict guidelines for visiting, letting her know that anytime she is critical, she will be asked to go back to her own apartment.

I'd recommend that you find a counselor, or someone trained in elder care issues, to help you figure out what you're willing to do, what your options are, and how to proceed.  It's not easy, and I wish you the best of luck.

I also agree with this.

I may be looking at a similar situation soon, without the criticalness.  My Dad is aging and is talking about moving out of his current home, which is large.  He could move to a smaller house, move to an apartment and one of his suggestions was to move in with me!    I'm not sure either of us is ready for that.  But if it were to happen, we'd be doing some renovations so he could have his own space and we wouldn't be on top of each other all the time.  We'd probably have dinner together but he'd be on his own for breakfast and lunch.

[NyaChan]

OP, just to get an idea of how you and your husband are viewing this - did you as a family consider her to be moving in permanently?  Is that a possibility still or now if her attitude changes?

ETA:  I'm coming from a family where my Uncle and Cousins lived through an incredibly stressful and unhappy environment due to my Grandma who lived with them and still does. She was at first a wonderful person and I love that person.  Over time, that person disappeared into a person no one recognizes anymore.  Nagging, being critical, etc. was all part of it and the attitude change for the better never happened.  Now it is too late to do anything about her in terms of sending her away, and they are all (grandma included) suffering.  So from my point of view, it is really good to think long-term and know what the boundaries of your tolerance are.

[ladyknight1]

OP, I POD Willy Nilly's advice and hope that things work out for the best.

[Ladybugs]

Also fnd alot of merit in what anonymousmac said , to me this is much more related to issues of caring for an aging parent, as opposed to ousting rude roommate situation

[poundcake]

To add, for emphasis: adult children do not "owe" it to their parents to take them in/care for them indefinitely. This is something that I and a lot of my adult friends are starting to hear now as our boomer parents age and retire, that we "owe" it to them to move in, or let them move in with us, and care for them as they age, because they raised us. This is not true. For most of us it's not even possible. But that kind of guilt is hard to get past.

AutumnRose, remember that as reinforcement as you deal with this. Your responsibility is to your own children and what is best for them. Hang in there!

[Ladybugs]

Poundcake,  there are different views on this...there are those who agree with above statement and there are those who feel one has a moral duty to provide care to elderly parents

[poundcake]

If someone _chooses_, yes. But to have that care foisted on your household, no.

[LeveeWoman]

If someone _chooses_, yes. But to have that care foisted on your household, no.

Especially if the parent is a toxic  person who's disrupting the household and threatening the happiness of your child. Just because someone is family does not mean one should  put up with her.

[TootsNYC]

Poundcake,  there are different views on this...there are those who agree with above statement and there are those who feel one has a moral duty to provide care to elderly parents

I don't think the OP's mom is elderly or infirm.

She is not at the point of not really being able to take care of herself.

Even people who believe it's a moral duty to care for one's elderly parents don't necessarily think it kicks in this early.