The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?

[Autumn Rose]

I need your help.   Desperately.
 
I need your wise words to help me with this “opportunity”.

Bullet point background:

1.   I love my mother.   Wonderful childhood.   She and my father did everything they could for me.   

2.   I am an only child.

3.   My father passed 11 years ago.   She has been alone since.   

4.   She helped raise my son (although I paid her) and has been an integral part of our lives.

5.   She has lived on and off with me for 10 years.  (ex:   when she was watching my son, her house was 45 minutes away…so she would stay with me for the week.  (sigh)        Ex2 – when I moved to a new state, she moved in with me until she could “find her own place”….years later..

6.   3 years ago I married a wonderful (and patient) man.   She was living with me until we got engaged…and then moved to her own place.

7.    Through her own fiscal irresponsibility  (my father left her with enough to live on)   she now has (literally) a few thousand in the bank – and lives off her Social Security = $1000mo.

8.   She has repeatedly ignored/scoffed/refused financial advice.

9.   A year ago, she gave up her apartment (because they were raising her rent) and came up with a “fabulous idea”  to “travel and see her friends for a year”.   That lasted 6 months and then she was back at our place.   

10.   When she moved back in “temporarily”, DH and I discussed how this should be handled.   We decided that she could help with the expenses and pay us $100 week.  50% less than her payment for a 1/1 apt.    Nice home.   including utilities, her own room and sitting area.      parking her car in the garage...etc.

11.   None of this would even be required if it wasn’t such a “chore” to have her here.    She is over-the-top critical.    To the point where HER friends are telling us to get her out!

12.   She hasn’t paid anything since November.   And when I asked her today for Jan rent, she replied…I can’t pay you anything.  (excuse, excuse)

If she was a nice, kind, gentle person…this would not even be a question.   But she is not.   She is critical, demanding, and (I hate to admit it) pretty selfish.   She does not appreciate what we offer her – instead acts as if this is almost her due.

I am over it.   My husband  (and only through his generosity has it lasted THIS long) is over it.
Even my darling son, (who adores his grandma)  is now old enough to recognize that she is constantly nagging.

So….
“What is the ‘proper’,  ‘etiquette approved way’ to kick your mother out”? 


(sorry if I posted in the wrong place.   this is such a hot mess...i dont even know where it belongs! 

[Seraphim]

Wow..

I really wish I had some advice for you. The only suggestion I can make is for both you and your DH to sit her down and explain that you need to live your lives, and she needs to live hers, oh and by the way, have you seen these new rental appartments that are in the next town over?

Wishing you all the best - and sending virtual support!

[Ladybugs]

Hello,

Based on the bullet points, I would take a step back and sit down with your husband to discuss how to handle what your uncomfortable with...rather than making plans to oust her.  I'm basing this from your background you gave that she's been a wonderful mother, gave you a great childhood, and that she and your dad did everything they could for you, and that she was very generous in helping you to raise your son which was invaluable and she did it while she lived almost an hour away.
So Instead of quickly making plans to oust her I would sit down at a time when your not in the middle of feeling upset, and maybe make a list of some things that bothering you and then think of possible things to ease those affronts and think of some ways to make life more doable with her there rather than focusing your sights on ousting her

[WillyNilly]

I think the best method here is to be fully armed with a "no-excuses" plan.  Have several listings for apartments she can afford at the ready.  Have a definite plan on how to move her out (moving companies, plans to rent a truck and friends lined up ready to help).  Have a plan for any obstacle she may raise (she doesn't have a sofa or TV - have listings of affordable options for sale, or plan to gift her one, etc).  Then you sit her down and you give her a date and you make her sign an agreement saying she will be out by that date.  And then you hold her to it and you change the locks.

As for what to say, start off gently and thanking her for her help and support over the years. Then say "but honestly it is not healthy for our family to have you here. when we got married we formed a family unit separate from you. And we need to establish and maintain that family unit." Then as she puts up reasons she can't, you pull out all your research to show her, yes she can... and she has to.

[LeveeWoman]

I don't want to "go legal" on you and get this thread locked but, you might want to check out landlord/tenant laws in your area.

[Autumn Rose]

My spine is not 'shiny' or 'strong' enough to use legal measures.. 

Just trying to be loving and kind and firm in my boundaries... 

[sevenday]

Both you and your DH need to sit down with her. "Mom, when you moved in, we said you could do so WITH CONDITIONS.  One of those conditions was that you pay us $100 a week. You haven't paid us for X weeks.  (insert any other conditions she's failed to meet too)  We've thought long and hard about this, and we're not happy with what's happening and we feel this is not working for us anymore. You either need to start paying us what you agreed to, as well as your back rent, or you need to leave by Y date (two months at the most, I'd say, is enough time to find a little place).  We'll help you look and move, but if you are not out by Y date, we will move you out ourselves." 

Unfortunately, there are legal aspects to this given she's been there so long. Tenancy laws go into effect regarding how people can be legally removed from properties.  If you do not have anything in writing, you need to get something now.  "I agree to pay $100 a week in exchange for living space inside this home, utilities paid etc." Then go through the courts to formally evict her.   If she refuses to sign you can still go through the courts, just be aware she will kick and scream and fuss most likely.  That may well be the price you pay for peace and quiet...

[yokozbornak]

I think the best method here is to be fully armed with a "no-excuses" plan.  Have several listings for apartments she can afford at the ready.  Have a definite plan on how to move her out (moving companies, plans to rent a truck and friends lined up ready to help).  Have a plan for any obstacle she may raise (she doesn't have a sofa or TV - have listings of affordable options for sale, or plan to gift her one, etc).  Then you sit her down and you give her a date and you make her sign an agreement saying she will be out by that date.  And then you hold her to it and you change the locks.

As for what to say, start off gently and thanking her for her help and support over the years. Then say "but honestly it is not healthy for our family to have you here. when we got married we formed a family unit separate from you. And we need to establish and maintain that family unit." Then as she puts up reasons she can't, you pull out all your research to show her, yes she can... and she has to.

WillyNilly said it better than I could.  She needs an end date, and she needs to know you are firm.  While I agree that she has done wonderful things for you, that is in the past and now she is actively hurting you, your family, and most likely your marriage.  You need to put yourself and your husband and son before your your mother because the person who ends up leaving may be your husband or son.

[WillyNilly]

My spine is not 'shiny' or 'strong' enough to use legal measures.. 

Just trying to be loving and kind and firm in my boundaries... 

I think the reference to checking laws more about how you might not legally be able to oust her, not that the law would be on your side... so really you should hope her spine isn't shiny enough to use legal measures to stay.

[LeveeWoman]

My spine is not 'shiny' or 'strong' enough to use legal measures.. 

Just trying to be loving and kind and firm in my boundaries... 

Maybe you need to polish your spine by remembering that you owe your son a duty.

[wheeitsme]

And if you are in the US, and your mother truly doesn't have the money, I'd check into HUD housing and other public help to get her a place.

[doodlemor]

Was your mother always this cranky, or has this gotten worse with age?  If so, perhaps her doctor could help. 

Dear Abby would have suggested that you introduce her to some men her age.  Are all of her friends annoyed with her, or is there a chance to get her involved in more activities outside of the house?

Best of luck with this, OP.  It's a difficult situation.

[Coley]

And if you are in the US, and your mother truly doesn't have the money, I'd check into HUD housing and other public help to get her a place.

POD this. It is possible that she might qualify for several forms of assistance, including housing. If you are in the U.S., please contact the Area Agency on Aging that serves your county for more information. It may be helpful to have a third party (e.g., case manager) involved.

I like WillyNilly's approach. I also like sevenday's phrasing in terms of broaching the subject with your mother. You offered her room and board with conditions. She has not met those conditions. This is a matter of you and your DH enforcing those conditions with consequences.

[caz]

9.   A year ago, she gave up her apartment (because they were raising her rent) and came up with a “fabulous idea”  to “travel and see her friends for a year”.   That lasted 6 months and then she was back at our place.   

10.   When she moved back in “temporarily”, DH and I discussed how this should be handled.   We decided that she could help with the expenses and pay us $100 week.  50% less than her payment for a 1/1 apt.    Nice home.   including utilities, her own room and sitting area.      parking her car in the garage...etc.

11.   None of this would even be required if it wasn’t such a “chore” to have her here.    She is over-the-top critical.    To the point where HER friends are telling us to get her out!

12.   She hasn’t paid anything since November.   And when I asked her today for Jan rent, she replied…I can’t pay you anything.  (excuse, excuse)

If she was a nice, kind, gentle person…this would not even be a question.   But she is not.   She is critical, demanding, and (I hate to admit it) pretty selfish.   She does not appreciate what we offer her – instead acts as if this is almost her due.

I am over it.   My husband  (and only through his generosity has it lasted THIS long) is over it.
Even my darling son, (who adores his grandma)  is now old enough to recognize that she is constantly nagging.

So….
“What is the ‘proper’,  ‘etiquette approved way’ to kick your mother out”? 


(sorry if I posted in the wrong place.   this is such a hot mess...i dont even know where it belongs! 

I had a similar situation (similar in that it was an unwanted guest; it wasn't a family member, which definitely makes it more difficult).

Can you start talking about her moving out as though it was a foregone conclusion?  We had an unwanted guest - Barbara (another housemate invited her, then moved out)but Barbara  stayed for months after and the (still there) housemate who had agreed to it (leaseholder - Bob), didn't want to do anything about it.  So, after whining about it to Bob for a couple of months (!), one day, I sat down and went through the paper while it was just me and Barbara.  I just called out a few options of places to stay and didn't listen to PA remarks.  I don't know what your mom is like, but that worked for me.

No money?  "Oh, but you have been saving on rent the last few months."
Too far for transport? "Is that really an issue?  It's just one bus in to the city."
Oh, I wouldn't see you as much! "Yes, but we need our own space.  We'll work it out" (I used this a bit too...)

It's tougher when it's your mom, but maybe you could start to have these conversations.  I had an ultimatum with Barbara, but if you start, then perhaps you can start with that, and if she comes up with excuses, have some phrases to show her that she at least has a deadline... 

Others might help more.  Sorry.  Family can be hard (hugs)

[YummyMummy66]

Honestly, there will be no "courteous" way to oust your mother from your home.  I think you need to get that thought out of your head.   In a way, you have set a precedent by letting mom "stay" with you on and off for so many years.

Number one, until she is moved out of your home, you need to take back your home.  Stop letting mom rule the roost in "your" home.  This is your home, not hers.  You do not have to listen to her nagging.  Find ways to not listen to it or work around it and ignore her.

Yes, she is your mother, but in this case, in your home, she is acting like a child and as such, she should be treated as such.  Would you let your son get away with some of the behaviors she is?  If not, next time she is saying or doing something that you know you would not let your son do, do what you would do or say to your son, but to your mother. 

Also, like others have stated, you and your dh need to come up with a plan, be firm and stick with it.  Number one, I would look into an agencies for the elderly in your area.  (We have them in the US, don't know where you are from).  They can be a valuable source of information.  They can help with housing, care, etc.

If you have to research apartments for mom.  Then, you and your dh take her apartment hunting one weekend.  Maybe not get anything, but let her know this is the deal.  If you can afford to, even pay first, last and security deposit and move her in.  Then it is up to her.