Author Topic: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?  (Read 20311 times)

1 Member and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

wheeitsme

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3925
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #30 on: January 04, 2013, 10:36:31 PM »
It's also hard when the reason the parent moves in is because they chose to make bad decisions that puts them in  bad spot financially. 

Lauds

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 358
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #31 on: January 05, 2013, 03:19:04 AM »
Is it possible that she has stopped paying the agreed $100 as either a PA way of saying she is unhappy or a way of making you be the bad guy and kicking her out?

I would approach it from the standpoint that she is as unhappy with the situation as you have become. Sit her down and ask her point blank "Mom, are you actually happy living here? Even [son] has noticed that you don't seem to be happy since you keep making mean/mean-spirited comments, and now you're not even sticking to the money agreement we made when you moved in. I love you, but maybe we'd all be happier if you had your own space in your own place." Then go from there.

Obviously, you know your mother best and how to phrase for her so that she doesn't feel like she is being attacked. Throw as many 'I love you's and other nice comments in as you feel necessary to reassure her that you're acting in her own best interests. And pick your timing wisely, maybe after she has come back happy after a day out or something like that.

Ladybugs

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 49
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #32 on: January 05, 2013, 01:37:25 PM »
I agree with some others thoughts above, that this is not so much an issue of how to out a rude roommate, as it is of caring for an older parent who is now in a disadvantaged position. Especially in this case, as I read points 1-6 above, I don't think those should be brushed aside or minimized. The op says in her points starts off by saying how wonderful her mom has been to her, and she was given everything her parents could give to her, and then even goes beyond this by helping her raise her son when she was apparently single.

I think that if this was just some college buddy who was partying, not paying rent for shared due etc that would be a diferent t issue. But this is very different, this is her mom, who she writes was a wonderful generous parent, that she was given everything growing up and had a wonderful childhood. In addition, her mom did something that not all grandparents do was help raise her son. I'm assuming this was very good care she provided or else she would have had someone else watch him, or daycare,etc.
there are options like hiring someone thru an agency (usually expensive and can't really compare to the personalized care of a loving grandparent, there are also daycare centers ,again expensive, not at all the one to one care of a grandma or grandpa), and for at least part of the time she did this if I understand the bullet point, grandma was living almost an hour away which in my mind makes it more of a sacrifice on gmas part.

I think bc of these things its realy important to take a step back and look more in depth at some issues and how to resolve them rather than just quickly tossing her out. That would be the quick amswer, but may not be the best answer. also as one poster pointed out, even if she does manage to get her mom moved out,  it may not be that simple , she might be needed to provide some type of assistance or care to her.
Her mom according to everything I see above, was there for her when she needed her, and it would only be right imo to at least first look at maybe how the living situation can be made more doable, rather than just taking the quick way out.     Here are a few things I think should be thoughtfully considered and then discussed in the context of "how can we help her, "rather than just how can we oust her.

There was mention of how the op felt her mom hasn't been responsible with money her husband left for her. Rather than just assuming that's all there is to it, I see a couple underlying issues with this...at least one other poster above wrote how it sounds possible her mother might have depression which could explain why her mom who was so nice her entire life, is suddenly cranky and critical. I wouldn't overlook the impact her husbands death may play into all of this..the other issue with this is how does the op really know she's been irresponsible or how much money the husband left her? Did she sit down and show her a paper with how much he left her, etc or is this more an assumption?  Please note Obviously I'm not saying either way since I don't know. But I am just raising the possibility she might have thought her dad left more than he did. 

It  says that her main reason for wanting her to move out is bc she's irritable and critical. I'm not trying to excuse this behavior,but in older adults especially if they are widowed and like her mom, this is not characeteristic of how she was all those years......there is a high incidence of depression, and this is a symptom of it. Again I am not saying this is the case, but from what the op writes, this wasn't a part of her moms character in all the years , it sounds like amore recent thing.  In looking at how to help her, what about having her evaluated to see if she may be suffering from something like depression. I'm not saying this is the case, but given her age and the fact this is not how she was during her life, and that she is widowed,, it wouldn't hurt to at least have her evaluated to see if there is a depression or some other related issue.  Beyond just a simple evaluation, it ight really help her to be able to talk with a counselor, I think this would be helpful for anyone who's lost their spouse. In fact a counseling session for you and your mom together might be helpful in gaining understanding of what the real issues are.  It sounds like she spent most of her life caring for others, this is a issue for women when they get older feel a loss of what their role is .

To kind of summarize this, I think the fact that the op describes her mom as a woman who has been a kind and giving person thru her life, helping to raise her son, etc , the recent behavior of her being critical and irritable should be considered as a possibility she has depression or other related condition. This is kind of a red flag esp in older adults and if they've lost a spouse, it becomes even more of an indication. It might be a good idea to ask if she'd be willing to be evaluated. Offering to fnd resources for counseling or support group f widows might be all she needs to start pulling out of this if it is a life change type of depression. I know somene who's mom still has grief and depression from the loss of her father that happened way back in 1999. Grief can hold on and affect a person, especially with the major losses such as parent or spouse.

I would try to look at this as what is causing this recent change of behavior in her mom and look at how to help her with that, as a starting point. If it is depression related to major loss, grief, getting older etc it could be that medication and counseling or whatever treatment she gets could resolve the issue of her acting irritable




LeveeWoman

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4042
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #33 on: January 05, 2013, 02:01:48 PM »
The grandmother didn't help raise Autumn Rose's son for free--she was paid for it.

No where in her posts on this thread does Autumn Rose state her mother is elderly or needs help other than financial advice which she has repeatedly refused.

Autumn Rose does tell us that this is adversely affecting her family--her, her son and her husband. Those are the people to whom she owes primary loyalty.

Ladybugs

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 49
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #34 on: January 05, 2013, 03:49:26 PM »
Even though she paid her some amount,the care of a loving grandparent one to one is pretty invaluable,it doesnt compare to a daycare situation or somthing like that...a single person is darn lucky if they have a grandparent that wants to take on that role and greatly benefits both the parent by peace of mind knowing their childs with a grandparent as opposed to a daycare center...i think the care of a grandparents invaluable and many people would give their right arm to have that as opposed to looking for a babysitter or person thru agency or a daycare center.   I was trying to thoughtfully consider looking at things may be causing her irritable behavior and to help her rather than just doing the fast or quick answer. It does sound like from what op writes this is a more recent change in her mother thats not characteristic of how she has been over her life and raises a posible red flag to consider posible medical cause for this such as depression and maybe issues related to grief

Ladybugs

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 49
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #35 on: January 05, 2013, 04:01:41 PM »
I forgot to write part of a sentence above that the care of a grandparent greatly benefits both the parent of child, and also the child. The.parent benefits by having peace of mind and that their child is being given one to one care.by a family member...the child.benefits from having a person who is personally cincerned and loves them. This is a less important issue but kids in daycare places are exposed to alot more colds and other stuff that arent an issue with one to one care. I know the times I got to spend with my grandma in ohio could not be even closely remotely duplicated by a babysitter or daycare center. Im not saying those are bad things but they cant compare to being cared for by a close family member...its Invaluable.

LeveeWoman

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4042
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #36 on: January 05, 2013, 04:05:10 PM »
Perhaps Autumn Rose's son would benefit more not being forced to  put up with a nasty person in his own home.

One's family of origin is not the end-all and be-all to a happy life. Sometimes people are better off extricating themselves and their families from toxic people.
« Last Edit: January 05, 2013, 04:06:41 PM by LeveeWoman »

Ladybugs

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 49
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #37 on: January 05, 2013, 04:17:50 PM »
I agree if a relative is a toxic evil kind of person you should put space between you...but from ops post this is a very good woman who has been a wonderful parent and gparent who more recently began acting out of character with being irritable and stuff.  Since this is out of character for her, given her age and loss of spouse etc that its a red flag that it might be coming from depression or related issue..seems to me a big diference between a person who has a toxic character and one who its posibly caused by somthing medical loke depresion...at the least I think she could be evaluated. If it is somthing like that it can be treated and would improve the whole issue

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8360
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #38 on: January 05, 2013, 04:26:54 PM »
I agree if a relative is a toxic evil kind of person you should put space between you...but from ops post this is a very good woman who has been a wonderful parent and gparent who more recently began acting out of character with being irritable and stuff.  Since this is out of character for her, given her age and loss of spouse etc that its a red flag that it might be coming from depression or related issue..seems to me a big diference between a person who has a toxic character and one who its posibly caused by somthing medical loke depresion...at the least I think she could be evaluated. If it is somthing like that it can be treated and would improve the whole issue

I think that it's also possible that they're just rubbing each other the wrong way after all this time. I have some very dear friends and relatives whom I simply can't be roommates with. I really don't think this is an elder care issue, it's just people living together too long when they're not really compatible as roommates.

Ladybugs

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 49
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #39 on: January 05, 2013, 04:56:16 PM »
That's possible too...I think with the red flags though there is no harm in ruling out a medical issue like depression, or unresolved grief etc

bopper

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12011
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #40 on: January 07, 2013, 09:33:12 AM »
To add, for emphasis: adult children do not "owe" it to their parents to take them in/care for them indefinitely. This is something that I and a lot of my adult friends are starting to hear now as our boomer parents age and retire, that we "owe" it to them to move in, or let them move in with us, and care for them as they age, because they raised us. This is not true. For most of us it's not even possible. But that kind of guilt is hard to get past.

AutumnRose, remember that as reinforcement as you deal with this. Your responsibility is to your own children and what is best for them. Hang in there!

I think this depends on your culture....if you parents took care of their parents, and they took care of their parents and you had grown up in such a culture and could expect your children to take care of you, then yes, you might "owe" their parents.

But if a parent is not being a good steward of their own money and moves in temporarily which turns in to permanently and said parent is still physically able to take care of themselves and is not contributing to the household and is spreading negativity...then no.

heartmug

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2196
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home
« Reply #41 on: January 07, 2013, 01:05:56 PM »
How is this going?

I wonder if your mom thought like my in-laws:  that they could do as they pleased because we would look like the bad guys denying something to them, or laying down some boundaries.
The trouble is not that the world is full of fools, it's just that lightening isn't distributed right.  - Mark Twain

Autumn Rose

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 83
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?
« Reply #42 on: January 07, 2013, 11:09:50 PM »
Ahhh...my dear friends!

Thank you for all of your wise words.   There are so many great ideas/suggestions.   If I thanked everyone personally, it would take up the whole post!   LOL

I think it boils down to this...I love my mother.   I want to do everything I can for her  (as does my husband).
But at what sacrifice?


I think we have 3 choices:

1.   DH and I don't "shine our spine" - let her continue to stay here...and then everyone is unhappy.

2.   DH and I find her a dwelling (obviously safe, nice).   We could put down the downpayment - she would pay the mortgage (which would be LESS  than what she would pay in rent).   

    Upside?   DH and I would have an "investment property" at some point in our lives.   rental property is good in our area - and it is something DH and I want to do at some point.
   
    Downside?  DH and I are saving for our own home.    Giving her "our" downpayment could prevent us (for another year) in owning our own home.

3.   Offering a certain "stipend" a month to help cover her costs.  $100?   $200?     
      Anything we give is money down the drain....that is why the idea of us buying her something is more appealing.



Additional background:
   
She is 78 years old.    She rocks it out.   Some days she has more energy than me.   Seriously.   
However, I have to acknowledge that there is the elder /aging aspect that will have to be addressed in a few more years.

I have set a precedent by letting her stay with me on and off.   Her watching my son was invaluable (and it benefited her financially)
But her constant presence was not good for my 10 year relationship with DS dad.   I will not allow this to cause havoc on my marriage.

5 Years ago - I recognized that she was not in good financial shape.    She absolutely REFUSED to let me help her come up with a long term financial plan.    (I didn't force her...and now look where I am).

This is tough.   Hard.   A Mindblowing/guilt inducing scenario.   

I suppose the right answer is the one you can live with.  And I love the pp who said  "how can we HELP her"  vs.  "how can I oust her".


(heavy sigh)    What would you do?

peaches

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 574
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?
« Reply #43 on: January 07, 2013, 11:27:02 PM »
One thing I would not do is to get involved in home ownership with someone who is irresponsible with money.

I'm not sure what you are proposing. Would you buy a home in your name (and DH's) and let her pay rent? Then you are in the position of hoping she continues to pay you (she hasn't so far). And if you take out one mortgage, when it comes time to buy a home for yourself to live in, you likely won't qualify for a second mortgage (because you already have one). Or, you could end up making two house payments - one for her house (because she won't) and one for your own house.

If she takes out the mortgage in her name, and you give her money for a down payment, that at least makes her responsible for the mortgage. But wait a minute, you think you would be building equity. You wouldn't, not if the mortgage is in her name. She would be building equity (which is only fair, if she's making the payments). Perhaps you would inherit the house, if she makes you the beneficiary in her will. Again, what if she stops making payments?

I think her renting an apartment is preferable. It's less complicated. It doesn't entangle you in her affairs.

I think she still will likely need financial help. I don't see how anyone can live on $1,000 a month. Rent would take most of that (at least where I live). There's still supplemental health insurance, medical expenses, food, clothing, car expenses if she has one/transportation expenses if she doesn't.

I admire you for wanting to help your mother. I would hope you'll think through each step very carefully.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2013, 11:28:42 PM by peaches »

peaches

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 574
Re: The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?
« Reply #44 on: January 07, 2013, 11:31:15 PM »
I forgot to add: Don't cosign for anything!!! Not a home loan, not a car loan, not a lease.

Cosigning is the same thing as signing - you take on 100% of the risk if the other person defaults or stops making payments. You put your credit rating at risk. You make it hard to get a loan yourself, because in the eyes of lenders, you already have a loan!

It's better to let your mom rise or fall on her own financially. You can always step in with help (money) without entangling yourself in loans or leases.