The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?

[Dandy Andy's Daddy's Love]

Even though she paid her some amount,the care of a loving grandparent one to one is pretty invaluable,it doesnt compare to a daycare situation or somthing like that...a single person is darn lucky if they have a grandparent that wants to take on that role and greatly benefits both the parent by peace of mind knowing their childs with a grandparent as opposed to a daycare center...i think the care of a grandparents invaluable and many people would give their right arm to have that as opposed to looking for a babysitter or person thru agency or a daycare center.    I was trying to thoughtfully consider looking at things may be causing her irritable behavior and to help her rather than just doing the fast or quick answer. It does sound like from what op writes this is a more recent change in her mother thats not characteristic of how she has been over her life and raises a posible red flag to consider posible medical cause for this such as depression and maybe issues related to grief

I would never, ever leave my children with their grandparents in a regular babysitting situation. I wouldn't do it if they begged me to let them babysit for free. And none of my childrens' grandparents are toxic or incapable of taking care of them. It's wonderful that Autumn Rose believes her mother's care was invaluable, but it's totally wrong to apply that belief to all families, even the ones with normal, wonderful, loving grandparents.

[lovepickles]

I think there is a "polite" way to oust mom from the home. "Mom, I love you. I need you to move out at the end of next month." Be firm and kind. Don't offer explanations if you know that you don't want to negotiate. She can have a big song and dance about all the problems she has with it but your response to it all will need to be "Well, you need to figure it all out." Ask for updates but don't do ANYTHING for her unless you see her exhibiting normal self-motivated progress. Like if she asks you for a ride to see a place then go ... but don't call places for her or set anything up. She needs to put on her big girl boots and go. If she's capable of travel she is sure as heck able to look up apartments and go see them.

And I second what peaches said. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING. No leases, loans ... do not give her down payment money (that is totally yours and will bring total resentment in your marriage) If you want to give her move out fund, fine, but limit it to two months of her rent and call it a day. Don't give another penny until the end of the third month and tell her exactly what you are going to give her so she can learn how to budget. In her mind if she thinks she can get more she will just spend more and ask you for it. Whatever financial limit you agree on with your husband let her know and STICK TO IT.

During the remainder of her stay cut her off when she starts to criticize. Walk away or ignore her attempts to dominate your home. In this case just distance yourself rather than trying to resolve anything or argue because it will just trigger your guilt. Get inside your own head and look at how she treats you the next time it starts up. You don't owe her a response.

Good luck. I know it isn't easy. <3

[Ladybugs]

Dandy Andy,

I just wanted to clarify, i said "many" people , not "everyone"
Nothing applies to "everyone", but when the grandparent is loving and provides good care as in her case, the care provided is invaluable , as she stated ,and greatly benefited the son in a way other options would not have. Any payment to the grandma I do not think can be looked at in the way of downplaying the value of what she did.  When somene is providing something that is invaluable, it is nice if we pay them something, but it doesn't really "cover" for lack of a better word the value of what they are providing

[Ladybugs]

Hi autumn rose,

I was the one who said "how can we help her, rather than how can we oust her"...I'm glad this was helpful..you asked at end of post sigh, how can we help her? 

 I would use that as the framework for how you approach and resolve this , how can we help her?

I didn't realize she's almost 80, bc there were some posts above that stated they didn't believe she was elderly. My initial hunch was that she was pretty elderly so now knowing that she is older than some posters portrayed it, she isn't 56, she's almost 80....as you said in a very short time you'll  be facing elder care issues anywas

Since you asked how to help her like I said above I would see if she's willing to go to doctor to see if there's something causing her irritability, bc it sounds like this is not her usual personality. Given her old age, loss of spouse it might be the reason she's acting so irritable is bc of something like depression. It would be good to see if there's anything like that going on bc then there's a good chance it can be treated, and the irritability will go away.
It sounded like from your first post that you didn't want her living with you mainly for this reason..so if she was no longer irritable like that, and she was easy enough to get along with, would you be ok with her staying with you?

[poundcake]

One thing to consider is that if she wants for you to take care of her, either consciously or subconsciously, she will sabotage your efforts to help her into an independent situation. It would be a good idea to have some back up plans as well, and promise to stick to them. If she can't manage an apartment on her own, it's time to start looking for a senior-center apartment living facility.

You already know that you are miserable with her living there. It is not your only option, nor is it your responsibility, Autumn Rose!

[Slartibartfast]

1) You have to do the legwork for this.  If you wait for her to get around to searching for an apartment (when she's staying with you for free!) it's never going to happen.  Look up some places that are in her price range, then tell her "We're going apartment-hunting today!" and stick with it.  Don't present it as "Do you like these?," present it as "Which of these options would you like to move to?"

2) Realistically, she IS a financial burden.  She's not going to be any more or less of a financial burden whether you pay money toward her living expenses now or later, other than if she's living with you (which you don't want).  I think it's worth it to do what you can to ensure she can't use money as the reason she can't move out - pay down the security deposit if you have to.  In theory it's money you get back anyway, as long as she doesn't trash the place or skip on rent.  (Which she probably will, but then that comes back to the financial burden thing - that's money you would have spent on her anyway.)

3)  Set a deadline, and stick to it.  Base it around something else in your life if necessary - "You need to be out by X date because [DH starts his new job then | DS has finals at school | I have a big project at work and won't be able to help you move | etc.]".  Figure out a reasonable schedule for moving and work with it - if she's moving in to her new place on the first, that means starting packing her things at your house on the 20th, having a truck rented by the 23rd, having all the details about utilities/TV/etc. worked out before she moves, etc.

4)  Set up a secret code with your DH so you can support each other when your backbone is failing.  A long look and a blink means "I'm about to give in to this ridiculous demand because I can't think of how to say no; please step in!"

5)  Long-term, her financial situation is going to be her $1000/month plus whatever you decide to give her.  If $1000/month isn't enough to live on in your area and she can't go on public assistance, you will need to step in somehow.  Prepare your own finances for this, so you're ready when the time comes.

[cicero]

5)  Long-term, her financial situation is going to be her $1000/month plus whatever you decide to give her.  If $1000/month isn't enough to live on in your area and she can't go on public assistance, you will need to step in somehow.  Prepare your own finances for this, so you're ready when the time comes.

I agree with everything startibartfast said but i think this comment, along with her age factor (I didn't realize that she was that old), is crucial - it's not like she is going to get a job and have additional income at this point. the 1000$ is it.

Are you in a position to use your downpayment on a house for you at this point? and could you buy something that will allow her to live with you(add on a MIL unit)? because it looks like she really *can't* live on her own on that amount of money.

if not, is there any time of subsidized assisted living in your area?

I agree that it is up to you to do the legwork, not because your mother can't, but because it is in *your* best interest.

[YummyMummy66]

I also agree with other posters, "Do not buy a home and expect your mother to be able to pay the mortgage and/or rent". 

If you intend to buy a home for your mother to move into and for future use as a rental propertly, I think you need to realize, you will be paying the mortgage on said home. 

Your mom is already living with you and not giving you anything.  Why do you think she would pay the mortgage on a home?

I think you should look for elder care apartments or a senior living center for your mother, especially at her age.  I work with seniors in their homes and there are many apartment type buildings for seniors in our area.  There are also many activities for the seniors to participate in in these types of buildings. 

[mandycorn]

Going along with what Cicero said, would you be able to buy something like both halves of a duplex or a house with a basement apartment? The key is going to be making sure that if she keeps living on your property, it's in a totally separate space so you can ask her to go home if she's stayed too long, as opposed to a separate area of a shared space, like you have now.

[Coley]

I suggested in a previous post that if you are in the U.S., you might contact the Area Agency on Aging that serves your county. They have case managers available who can assist with a variety of eldercare issues. If you want more information about this, please feel free to PM me.

In addition to the Area Agencies on Aging, there also are private geriatric care managers who can be hired for a fee. In the U.S., you can find more information about geriatric care managers at http://www.caremanager.org/.

[bopper]

Like others said, go to a professional!  Find out if their is Agency on Aging or what have you  and get advice from them.
Then perhaps come up with with options that you and your DH are happy with and present them to her to choose from.

[wyliefool]

Dandy Andy,

I just wanted to clarify, i said "many" people , not "everyone"
Nothing applies to "everyone", but when the grandparent is loving and provides good care as in her case, the care provided is invaluable , as she stated ,and greatly benefited the son in a way other options would not have. Any payment to the grandma I do not think can be looked at in the way of downplaying the value of what she did.  When somene is providing something that is invaluable, it is nice if we pay them something, but it doesn't really "cover" for lack of a better word the value of what they are providing

This is all well and good, except that her presence apparently broke up the marriage:
Her watching my son was invaluable (and it benefited her financially)
But her constant presence was not good for my 10 year relationship with DS dad.   I will not allow this to cause havoc on my marriage.[/quote]

So it wasn't really 'invaluable' nor was it ideal for the grandchild. Best to stop it now before it breaks up this marriage.

[VorFemme]

I'd suggest looking for a duplex or a place with an "apartment" - probably on the ground floor instead of the second story or basement (watch "Income Properties" on HGTV if you are in the USA to get an idea - I think most, if not all the houses are in Canada - but there might be something in your area). 

The idea is that your mortgage covers the house and apartment (which can be rented out later) and your mother lives in "her own place" - it is separate but close enough that you can check on her as often as needed.  But she's not "in your space" or in your face all the time.

You might end up having to help with cleaning "once in a while" - but she can be a lot more independent than if she's living in the same house. 

And make her sign a lease - so if she doesn't pay rent, she can be ousted legally.  Based on her age, I'd suggest a large studio or possibly what I've seen called a "bachelor" - the sleeping area isn't a completely different room but it is set up to be out of the line of sight of the living & cooking areas - instead of using the living area as a sleeping area by folding out a sofa into a bed or bringing one down from the wall (Murphy bed).

Different entrance, tiny side yard that could be "just for her" if your family doesn't want to socialize with Grandma 24/7 - but she's not going to take much time to check on if you don't see/hear from her for a couple of days & wonder if she fell or something.

At 78, things can go very wrong very quickly (75 year old mother, 78 year old father & mother-in-law, and an 80 year old father-in-law).

[Browyn]

Are you in the US?  Try looking into elderly housing, many of them are subsidized based on income and are very nice.

I speak from experience.  My MIL (who I like) was living in Florida but moved back to New England when I was expecting.  She was supposed to stay with us for a few weeks while she found a place.  She found something wrong with every place we showed her because she wanted to stay with us and THE BABY.  After 3 months my husband sat her down and told her - here are a list of elderly apartments, get on the waiting list.  You will be moving out on XYZ date, and I have made you reservations at long term motel if you don't have your arraignments made by then.

She didn't believe us.  Right up to when I put her bags in her car "how will you manage with the baby when I am not here?  Don't worry Mom I'll do fine!"  She stayed in the motel for 2 weeks before she went to elderly housing.  You have to be strong and not give in.

[Ladybugs]

Earlier in post, there were some posters who for some odd reason assumed she wasn't a senior and used that as part of their reasoning for why it would be ok to have her move out. I didn't see where that idea she's not that old anyways, was coming from, but now that we know she is quite elderly, there are several issues that should be seen in that context. What a 56 year old issues are is diferent than an 80 yr old.....

*** ask her if she will see a doctor soon, to see if anything medical especially SENIOR related is causing the irritability.....she's nearly 80, she is in and even past the age where some issues like this start to kick in....

Please consider this, there is no downside to her seeing a doctor, everyone is hurriedly talking about apartment hunting.....I would hit the pause button and sit down to consider the reality of her old age and the senior care issues, those are the reality. Alot diferent than helping a young person find an apartment

There are social services and elder care agencies that can help you....especially an agency that's specifically to help seniors, they know what issues relate to seniors and advocate for their well being so they probably have alot of info on medically related issues, such as depression in seniors, early onset dementia, if any of these turn out to be one of the issues,whatever all those are plus housing, legal etc