The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?

[Sophia]

Autumn Rose, your list of options is VERY imcomplete.

One thing you could do is to make doing ANYTHING for your mother contingent on her setting up a financial plan.

[Ladybugs]

Whileyfool,

I didn't see that she wrote it "broke up" her marriage as you put it...that's taking a liberty in stretching what she said....but the thing about her helping to "raise her son" ...(I certainly hope nobody would even want to downplay such an act, then we would have to minimize the importance of what devoted stay at home moms do

I wonder why you only highlighted "and it benefited her financially " but didnt highlight the more weighty part of her statement that the care grandma provided "was invaluable"

The op told us, the care was " invaluable"

Certain things people do for us, even if we pay them some amount, whatever money we may offer them can't really compare with the value of what they did. Its kind of downplaying the value of what she did.....She says her helping raise her son was invaluable....
Its kind of insulting to downplay the act of a grandparent helping raise a grandchild...

I would hope anyone would see the value in a grandparent helping to raise their grandchild ...there are many grandparents who won't do anything more than occasionally babysit. And some wont even do that much...i feel like the value of what she did got yotaly overlooked and thats pretty sad.....Helping rasie a grandchild is imvaluable, Especially more so if the parent is on their own as a single parent the value is so much more

[Petticoats]

Ladybugs, the fact is that the OP's mom's help with babysitting DS is in the past. The present is that her presence is causing stress in the OP's marriage and immediate family unit. Right now, the mom's presence--a critical and parasitic one--is doing active damage to the OP's life.

I would hope anyone would see the value in a grandparent helping to raise their grandchild ...there are many grandparents who won't do anything more than occasionally babysit. And some wont even do that much...i feel like the value of what she did got yotaly overlooked and thats pretty sad.....Helping rasie a grandchild is imvaluable, Especially more so if the parent is on their own as a single parent the value is so much more

I don't think anybody's saying the OP's mom's help in the past was negligible. And I think it's pointless to imply that her presence is desirable now simply because a lot of kids don't have their grandparents present. Presence does not necessarily equal benefit, or at least not enough to outweigh the problems she's creating. I get the feeling that you're arguing a very general case about appreciating grandparents that doesn't take into consideration the very real problems and stresses that the OP's mom's presence is creating.

[sevenday]

It's possible to be appreciative of one's help in the past and still not have 'room' for them in the current situation, especially if their presence is damaging what exists.   People and situations change.  I do agree with other PPs - don't buy the house.  You can offer to help with the down payment and get her in somewhere, but as you said it will delay your own moving.  I would check in the area for any "elder services/assistance" type organizations; they may know how to find the right place, and how to move her into it with minimal financial impact to both of you.   This is not something that you're going through alone. Many families struggle with  how to care for/deal with elderly relatives.  I've seen how it can affect families... for better or worse.  I do think you need to sit down with her, if nothing else, and explain that her behavior and choices are negatively affecting the family.  Explain that you are looking for ways to move her out on her own, for the good of everybody.  If she's got a lot of energy she might feel cooped up now, so suggest a 'retirement' community - the ones around here are all laid out as either small bungalows or as apartment buildings.   They'd be better social-life wise, and most are rent-controlled based on income.   At her age it would be easy to prove need.

[TootsNYC]

one thing to remember when thinking "how can we help her?" is to not forget that you should not be overlooking your own limitations.

I can't help people move a piano by lifting, because I'm simply not strong enough. Or tall enough.
I can help them by holding a door open.
I can help them by suggesting they call a piano movers to find out how much it would cost.
I can help them move a piano by rigging up a ramp to roll it, maybe.

But I can't lift it.

So when you're figuring out, "How can we help my mom move out," remember that your family's limitations are VERY important.

So you probably can't help her by giving her money.
You can help her by giving her boundaries--and thinking of those boundaries as a way to help her may make it easier to phrase things, or to recognize how valuable it will be for HER.



(also, in the meantime, every time she criticizes something, say, "Mom, you don't seem happy here in our home." Get her started along the pathway to recognizing that this is very likely to be part of her unhappiness.")

[poundcake]

Toots, I want to give your post a standing ovation. And cupcakes.

[Ladybugs]

Petticoats,  the fact is the op wrote as one of her highlighted bullet points that grandma "helped raise my son"  which she descrived " invaluable"  this is alot diferent than "helping babysit"  it is not what she said. A parent who sits here and there for a.couple hours when the parents go to dinner is totaly not the same as helping raise a grandchild. That diminishes the significance of what she did. 

[LibraryLady]

My mother is in a place called " assisted living" - she has a bedroom; bathroom, small living room and room for table with small refrigerator and microwave with sink.  They have communal meals.  Would that be a possibility?  (I didn't see a place live that mentioned previously).

[rashea]

My mother is in a place called " assisted living" - she has a bedroom; bathroom, small living room and room for table with small refrigerator and microwave with sink.  They have communal meals.  Would that be a possibility?  (I didn't see a place live that mentioned previously).

This might be an option if you can find a place that starts with full regular apartments, and has assisted living and finally a nursing home. She might make that transition better. Some provide food, some don't. Quite a few provide transportation and cleaning services. A local Area Agency on Aging can help with some of that.

[lurkerwisp]

My grandmother lives in assisted living.  Her being forcibly moved there (by a judge, not by the family) was the very best thing that's happened in the long saga of dealing with her and her living situation since Grandpa died.  They provide meals, transportation, social activities, and as she finds that she needs more help with daily tasks she can scale up the help they provide.  She didn't need as much help after she first got settled, but now they're doing some of her laundry (they do sheets and blankets, since they're too heavy) and if things get worse she can move into their nursing care facility.  The location she's in also has separate detached homes, duplexes and apartments available for people who don't need as much assistance.

It is incredibly healthy to put space between you and an increasingly unpleasant family member before they become so toxic to your family that you can't remember the good person they used to be.  I have learned this from regrettable experience.

[Jeremy]

It is incredibly healthy to put space between you and an increasingly unpleasant family member before they become so toxic to your family that you can't remember the good person they used to be.  I have learned this from regrettable experience.

Unfortunately this is often the case.  They may not appreciate the decision to begin with, but everyone ends up happier in the long run.

[QueenfaninCA]

2.   DH and I find her a dwelling (obviously safe, nice).   We could put down the downpayment - she would pay the mortgage (which would be LESS  than what she would pay in rent).   

Whatever you do, do not do this. What happens if she stops paying the mortgage and you only find out when the foreclosure happens?

If you want to buy her a place, buy it and you pay the mortgage and charge her whatever amount of rent you deem reasonable. Before you buy make sure that if push comes to shove you can pay the mortgage even without any financial contribution from her.

[Ladybugs]

Autumn rose

Given her advanced age, I think the most realistic replies are the ones that frame their advice in the context of her advanced age...since you said you want advice on ways to help her, Rather than just quick advice on how to oust her, I would

** ask if she's willing to see a doctor to be screened for any possible underlying issue that is age related, such as depression, early stage of Alzheimer's etc etc and then address those if any apply

** frame whatever help you provide within the context of her age, make sure its relevant to her age. If she was 48 it would be reasonable to simply get her into apartment. At 78, that is a whole other thing. She is in need of something beyond just a pad to live. Sme others here have addressed this really well....even if she seems healthy now, things can change fast at that age. If your dead set against her continuing to live out the remainder of her years with you, The recommendations to help her fnd senior housing is excellent advice. I know someone who's parents run a senior agency, they are advocate for seniors well being and protection, and have tons of info and resources on housing, healthcare, end of life issues, etc. others recommended getting the help of one of these elder care agencies as you navigate your way in the process
This will help avoid a disaster of making some quick plan that fails later bc it was not relevant to her old age

[Octavia]

Autumn - don't know if this would work for you, but it worked for one of my neighbors who had a grown son who refused to move out. They found another apartment that had just enough room for them to live and no room for their son. They gave their son notice when their old lease had 30 days left and told them that he could not come with them. Finally, they did not give him a key to the new place. Worked like a charm.

[Ladybugs]

Octavia,  the op said in regards to her almost 80 yr old mother, that she wants to know how to **help her, **    ( not just to oust her)