The courteous way to oust my mother from my home *Update?

[trailgrrl]

Two separate scenarios.   My MIL moved in with us temporarily several years ago to escape a situation where she was being financially exploited by another family member.  We (My husband and I) got her back in control of her own finances and another family member of mine was able to get her in touch with a subsidized senior housing complex about 15 miles away and she has been happily living in what I jokingly call the 'Hen House' about 10 years now.  She neither owns a car nor drives.  The other ladies have taught her how to use public transportation, or the the ladies that do have cars drive her around.

My BFFs mother on the other hand has lived with my BFF and her family for about the same amount of time.   SHe is also on a limited income and positively delighted in causing trouble within the family.  My BFF bought a house that they were able to have modified into a bed/bath/sitting room suite for her privacy. The mother earlier this year got it into her head that my friend was dependant on her mother's goodwill and money (not so) and was invited to by all means to find another living situation. 

There is other back history here that I won't go into but suffice it to say my prediction to my friend that no way in heck was her mom going to leave voluntarily came to pass.  However the flip side is that my friend is now MUCH less accommodating of her mother's whims and mom now know that there is NO WAY that she would be able to live the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed if she moved into senior housing and has become *much* more pleasant to live with.

My advice is this.  Do what my friend did.  Tell mom that it's not working and you think *she* would be happier in her own place and then give her direction to subsidized senior housing complexes in your area (if you're in the US they should be listed on your county or township website or Area Agency on Aging Website).   You can take one of two directions, either make it clear that she is required to leave, or make it clear if she would like to stay she needs to readjust her attitude.

Good luck OP, it's a tough situation

[jedikaiti]

Aren't the apartments that feed onto the assisted living then nursing homes more expensive?  If she is completely able-bodied and poor, it might be better to start her out in a small cheap normal apartment.  Then worry about assisted living when it really is needed.

The apartments that feed into assisted living also guarantee that you will have a spot in the assisted living or nursing home that they feed into.  There are often very long waiting lists if you're not already in the system.  Rushing to find an open spot in a nursing home or assisted living place when it is very much necessary is not an ideal situation.

Also the additional upheaval for the mother can make trying to a) convince her she needs to move, and b) actually getting her moved and settled into quite the traumatic experience. But, if it's more gradual, say, getting more in-home helpers coming by, then just moving down the hall, then just into another segment of the same community, it can be MUCH MUCH easier for all concerned.

[peach2play]

You are going to have to accept the emotional consequences of your requests.  What you are asking us for is a polite way to tell your mother to get out which is saying, "How can I get what I want with out having to deal with the consequences ie emotional guilt, blackmail, and pain?"  The answer, you can't.  You either stiffen your spine, and know that no matter what you do, there's going to be fallout, or you endure the situation that is. 

You can't have it both ways.  You must choose what is more important to you, your child and husband, or your mother.  Doing nothing about it is making a decision as well.  You can do it and it will be worth it in many ways.  You are not being unreasonable, you are not being cruel, you are protecting your family.  She will pitch a fit and try and make you feel guilty, don't let her.  She doesn't want to change.  Change would mean she would have to accept the consequences of her financial decisions.  That she might have to accept that she's failed. 

[Virg]

peach2play wrote:

"You are going to have to accept the emotional consequences of your requests.  What you are asking us for is a polite way to tell your mother to get out which is saying, "How can I get what I want with out having to deal with the consequences ie emotional guilt, blackmail, and pain?""

There's a vast difference between what you said and "How can I ask my mother to move out while staying within the bounds of etiquette" and your perception of her request is extremely unkind at the very least.  I prefer to assume that she understands the implications of what she's doing and is seeking advice on minimizing the blowback that might be caused by her own behavior.

Virg

[Redneck Gravy]

My advice is this.  Do what my friend did.  Tell mom that it's not working and you think *she* would be happier in her own place and then give her direction to subsidized senior housing complexes in your area (if you're in the US they should be listed on your county or township website or Area Agency on Aging Website).   You can take one of two directions, either make it clear that she is required to leave, or make it clear if she would like to stay she needs to readjust her attitude.

Good luck OP, it's a tough situation

This and isn't this the bottom line to what you want anyway, an improvement in attitude or an exit? 

[peach2play]

peach2play wrote:

"You are going to have to accept the emotional consequences of your requests.  What you are asking us for is a polite way to tell your mother to get out which is saying, "How can I get what I want with out having to deal with the consequences ie emotional guilt, blackmail, and pain?""

There's a vast difference between what you said and "How can I ask my mother to move out while staying within the bounds of etiquette" and your perception of her request is extremely unkind at the very least.  I prefer to assume that she understands the implications of what she's doing and is seeking advice on minimizing the blowback that might be caused by her own behavior.

Virg

The OP has a mother who is overly critical, and selfish in her own words.  Who she feels indebted to because she did have a good childhood and her mother watched her child (even though the mother was paid to do so).  Her mother has refused any financial counseling and will more than likely be a financial responsibility on the OP for the near future.  She has said that she has trouble having a shiny spine ie setting boundaries with her mother.  I'm not saying be impolite, but what I'm saying is, there is no easy way for her to have this conversation with her mother.  She can be polite, but I'm betting her mother won't be which is probably why she hasn't been able to set boundaries yet.  Deep down inside, she's afraid of her mother's reaction, knowing from past experience that this is going to be lots of battles and her mom isn't going to fight fair, using guilt, emotional blackmail, etc.  She's going to have to make a choice to face that fear and pain.  What I was trying to convey is that it will be worth it.  It will suck short term, but long term, it'll be worth it and the pain will not last forever.  She can do it.

[Sophia]

...She can do it.

Go, Autumn Rose, Go! 
Go, Autumn Rose, Go!

We are cheering for you.

I have been thinking about the list of possibilities you posted earlier.  I think any of them would be workable if certain conditions were agreed to by your mother. 

For example, you mentioned buying a rental property and letting her live in it.  That would be workable if she agreed to have her SS deposited into your account, and then the remainder after rent moved to her account.  Basically, you will be paid first.  I know, not likely.

Her continuing to live with you, sounds like it would work if she 1) paid the past rent 2) paid on time in the future 3) was a pleasant person.

If she doesn't like either of the above, well then, she can have until X date to get her butt out of your home. 

[Autumn Rose]

Thank you.

A gratitude of love is being sent you way.    I knew I could count on you to help!   


I have listened to your suggestions, comments and wise words.   
(and I think I am in love with some of you!   LOL)


I am working 11 hour days right now.    Then home, homework, husband, mother, bedtime, etc......My response time is limited.   LOL

But your opinions are important to me...and I will continue to listen...

Lord knows I need the help!   

Thank you!

[LeveeWoman]

Thank you.

A gratitude of love is being sent you way.    I knew I could count on you to help!   


I have listened to your suggestions, comments and wise words.   
(and I think I am in love with some of you!   LOL)


I am working 11 hour days right now.    Then home, homework, husband, mother, bedtime, etc......My response time is limited.   LOL

But your opinions are important to me...and I will continue to listen...

Lord knows I need the help!   

Thank you!

Take care of yourself, Autumn Rose!

[lovepickles]

Autumn Rose I didn't realize your mom was almost 80. I was thinking she was in her late 50s or 60s for some reason. My earlier advice seems out of touch, my apologies.

I would suggest that this week you sit down and arrange for her to get into talk therapy and/or psych evaluation. It might not be cheap but worth every penny if she is willing to go. She might also need medication or a modification to her diet and extra exercise. I'd give that a couple of months and if it didn't improve I would look into long term care options. In the meantime SHUT DOWN her criticisms. Do not engage. When she does rip into you tell her how you feel and what you would like for her to say to you if she wants to communicate.

Hang in there.

<3