IL's invited their own guests to the wedding - how to handle?

[LadyL]

Trusty e-hellions, I need your input.

LordL has a number of relatives that he hasn't seen in a very long time (at least 15 years) and has no present relationship with, including several aunts and cousins. His parents keep in closer touch with these relatives than he does. Apparently, his parents visited them over the summer and spilled the beans about the wedding - date, location, etc. - under the assumption we intended to invite all of them. We found out about this weeks later when MIL said "oh by the way, Cousin So-and-so is already planning who they will carpool with to your wedding! I told all of them about it and they're really excited to come." Our response was basically    .

Since then LordL has wavered back and forth about what to do. I don't think he would have chosen to invite these people and he is definitely Not Amused that his mother did so without asking first. He visibly cringes every time I bring up that section of the guest list and mention we need to decide if we're actually inviting them or not. We had initially agreed that we would not invite anyone to the wedding who would be a virtual stranger to us, because we both feel like a wedding is too crazy already to be dealing with introductions to "new" groups - it makes both of us really socially anxious and that's not what we want on our wedding day. On the other hand, it's not a ton of people - probably 10-12 - and budget wise we can probably accommodate that.

I've mentioned that maybe he could try to rekindle his relationship with these relatives between now and the wedding and he seemed lukewarm on the idea. He has trouble just keeping up with the family he is currently in touch with (they live scattered across the region and aren't good at answering calls/email) that I think the idea of trying to form new relationships sounds like work to him.

Personally I don't have a horse in this race, but I think LordL would feel better knowing what the etiquette approved way of uninviting them is, or if there simply isn't one and he needs to just graciously invite them. Would it be his mother's responsibility to call and explain her mistake, or ours? Or is there no polite way to rescind an unauthorized verbal invite?

[CakeBeret]

Etiquette wise, his mother should call the relatives and grovel. "Cousin, I need to apologize to you. I invited you to Lady&Lord's wedding, and I should not have done so. They are planning a rather intimate wedding, and I was wrong inviting you without talking to them first. I am so sorry, but they cannot extend you an invitation. Please accept my apology, and please don't hold this against them. This was my mistake, not theirs."

[Snooks]

You could send one of the non-invitations mentioned in the Dear Prudence column yesterday.  Sorry I need to keep snarky Snooks in her box more often.

I think if you really don't want them there then you need to get your MIL to handle the situation, you never see these people so are unlikely to see them again in the future so for you it can be a case of out of sight out of mind.  However, if this is going to cause waves through the rest of Lord L's family (for example will Auntie Betty be outraged that Auntie Hilda was invited then cut?) then I say suck it up and invite them but maybe see if you can get your MIL onside to organise a family day before your wedding so you can at least meet these people.

[ilrag]

If it's up to LordL then he needs to decide which is more uncomfortable for him. Having guests he doesn't really know, or having his parents uninvite them. You can help him make lists but otherwise don't worry.

[Morticia]

I think, at the very least, MIL should be offering to pay for these guests she invited, if they will fit in the venue.

[Mikayla]

Etiquette wise, his mother should call the relatives and grovel. "Cousin, I need to apologize to you. I invited you to Lady&Lord's wedding, and I should not have done so. They are planning a rather intimate wedding Due to venue constraints, they are having to limit their guest list, and I was wrong inviting you without talking to them first. I am so sorry, but they cannot extend you an invitation. Please accept my apology, and please don't hold this against them. This was my mistake, not theirs."

I really like this.  I did make a minor suggestion, because the term "rather intimate" might not work if there's 150 guests invited.

[MindsEye]

Don't think of this as "uninviting" these people.  You can't uninvite them since they were never actually invited!  Just don't send them an invitation. 

And then let LordL's mother know that:
a) these relatives aren't invited and you never had any intention of inviting them
b) since she implied to these relatives that they were invited, it is her job to tell them that they aren't

or, if you don't think that LordL's mother can be counted on to do her part and don't want those relatives to just show up...

c) contact them yourselves (I prefer email since you have a record of what you sent) and let them know that LordL's mother should never have allowed them to believe that they were invited to the wedding, because you cannot invite them, and you hope that this does not inconvenience them.

Sure, those relatives might be hurt and offended, but honestly... if they are not relatives that you have relationships with or want to have relationships with, why would you care? 

[CakeBeret]

Etiquette wise, his mother should call the relatives and grovel. "Cousin, I need to apologize to you. I invited you to Lady&Lord's wedding, and I should not have done so. They are planning a rather intimate wedding Due to venue constraints, they are having to limit their guest list, and I was wrong inviting you without talking to them first. I am so sorry, but they cannot extend you an invitation. Please accept my apology, and please don't hold this against them. This was my mistake, not theirs."

I really like this.  I did make a minor suggestion, because the term "rather intimate" might not work if there's 150 guests invited.

Thanks--I like your wording about the venue.

[poundcake]

Etiquette wise, his mother should call the relatives and grovel. "Cousin, I need to apologize to you. I invited you to Lady&Lord's wedding, and I should not have done so. They are planning a rather intimate wedding, and I was wrong inviting you without talking to them first. I am so sorry, but they cannot extend you an invitation. Please accept my apology, and please don't hold this against them. This was my mistake, not theirs."

POD. My mother and my aunt kept doing this during our wedding planning. "Oh, I told Friend From Bingo about your wedding! She is so excited, and she's going to bring her son!" "Be sure to add Mr. and Mrs. Church Friend to your guest list." And even in front of third cousins, "Poundcake, do you have extra invitations for your wedding? I know that Cousin and Cousin would love to attend!" We had to have Mom and Aunt do the dirty work after explaining, "We are so glad you are excited about the wedding, but we are on a very limited budget, and can't afford to invite ____." Aunt had the nads to continue to push, "Well, I can pay for their dinners," but we had to push back with "We can't afford to invite ____, and how do we explain to A, B and C that we can't invite them, but can afford to have your niece and nephew, who we have never met?" Mom finally got it, but Aunt never did, and ended up being a no-show after RSVPing yes anyway.

[elephantschild]

My dad got all excited during our wedding planning and wound up sort-of inviting a bunch of his co-workers.    (I'm really close with my dad, so this wasn't anything under-handed or anything. He just gets ... enthused.  )

He was disappointed when I told him that just wasn't going to happen, that we had to draw the line somewhere, but had the grace to handle it himself.

Could you just explain it to your in-laws-to-be? Or is that likely to backfire? If possible, I agree with others that it's really their issue to handle.

(On the good side, dad learned his lesson. He's been painfully careful to double-check with DB about mentioning anything at all about that upcoming wedding. )

[NyaChan]

I like CakeBeret's and Mikayla's wording and suggestion for putting the responsibility for the fixing on MIL. 

[LifeOnPluto]

I agree with simply not inviting them. And getting your DF's MIL to be the one to explain to them that she made a mistake.

[rain]

I haven't read the other responses

My DM actually did something similar to me the 1st time I got married.


I told DM cousins (that I'd not seen in over 10 yrs) and their families, etc. were not invited - I had to tell her repeatedly

[kudeebee]

I agree with simply not inviting them. And getting your DF's MIL to be the one to explain to them that she made a mistake.

POD

MIL made the mistake, she should clean it up.

[JoyinVirginia]

In my family, weddings and funerals are about the only time a bunch of us get together.  These folks probably remember  LordL fondly and would love to see him get married. If MIL is willing to cover their costs, I would vote invite them. If Lord L is adamant they not be invited, then he should do the negotiation with his mother and make sure she tells relatives they are not invited.

My dd is getting married soon. Grooms mother wants to invite his great aunt that he has probably not seem in fifteen or twenty years. It is important to grooms grandmother that her sister be invited, so she is getting an invitation. The wedding is for the couple but also for the family, especially if parents are contributing financially.