Author Topic: IL's invited their own guests to the wedding - how to handle?  (Read 5117 times)

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MamaMootz

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Re: IL's invited their own guests to the wedding - how to handle?
« Reply #15 on: January 05, 2013, 06:49:42 AM »
My dad did the same thing to mine - my cousin, whom I have not seen or spoken to in about 10 years - my dad was worse, though. Dad hadn't spoken to him in years either but went out of his way to track cousin down, invite him and then tell me after the fact.

I did what a most of the PP's suggested - I didn't invite cousin and I told dad that he needed to let cousin know that he wasn't being invited.  Not as a slight, but it's not right to invite someone who I haven't seen or spoken with in so long - we didn't have a relationship outside of the wedding and mine was limited to close friends and family.
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Emmy

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Re: IL's invited their own guests to the wedding - how to handle?
« Reply #16 on: January 05, 2013, 08:01:47 AM »
I feel if your or your future husband would be uncomfortable with the guests, it would be best to tell MIL to please tell them the invitation was a mistake.  If you wouldn't mind the extra guests except for the budgeting issue, I think it would be fair to tell MIL that these extra guests go over your budget and if she wants them to come then she can pony up for their dinner.  Also tell her please no more inviting other people.  Even if she is willing to pay for her guests, she shouldn't invite people without discussing it with you and your future husband.

I was once invited to a wedding by the groom at the last minute.  I was a good friend of one of the groomsman and met the groom shortly before the wedding where he invited me to the wedding.  I got a call the day of the wedding by the groomsman saying I was uninvited by the bride whom I had never met.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: IL's invited their own guests to the wedding - how to handle?
« Reply #17 on: January 05, 2013, 10:44:52 AM »
Begin as you mean to go on, I think.

My concern with you inviting these folks is that you will give MIL the idea that she can run roughshod over you anytime she likes.  By telling her that you will not be inviting these people, as they were never on the guest list, you'll be letting her know that you, as a couple, will be making your own decisions.

But if you don't want to go to that extreme and your venue allows for the extra people, you could discuss it with MIL.  Let her know that these people are not on your guest list.  You have not budgeted for these people but if she is willing to pay for their dinner and any other expenses, you will allow it.  But make it clear that there will be no other additions to the guest list.  (Or at least not without your express permission.)
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LadyClaire

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Re: IL's invited their own guests to the wedding - how to handle?
« Reply #18 on: January 05, 2013, 12:28:21 PM »
I'd make your future MIL call them and tell them she was mistaken in inviting them. Put it on her. It might make her think twice about trying something like that again.

We had to deal with my MIL trying to completely take over our wedding. She actually assigned things to other family members, like SIL was going to make the cake, and Aunt Sue was going to do the flowers, and so on. All without clearing it with us first. She got so out of hand with it that when FIL told her to knock it off, she didn't speak to him for over a week.

Since that experience I have told people to be very, very firm with wedding plans. Do not let other people take over anything. Not the guest list, not the planning, nothing. You'll end up resenting them for turning your wedding into what they want rather than what you want. It caused a lot of drama when we told MIL to stop it and stood firm, but in the end I was much happier that she didn't get to take over everything.

Lynn2000

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Re: IL's invited their own guests to the wedding - how to handle?
« Reply #19 on: January 05, 2013, 08:43:42 PM »
Advantages of inviting them:
--Easier than confronting MIL, or them
--They can fit into your venue and budget
--Possible rekindling of relationships with them
--No worries about being rude

Disadvantages of inviting them:
--MIL thinks she has power over your wedding, and possibly other parts of your life
--Possibility of MIL continuing to invite other unauthorized people, who may not fit into your venue and budget
--More anxiety for you and LordL on your wedding day

Hope I've got those right... Don't look at the total number of points, but rather the magnitude/likelihood of each point. If your MIL is the type who invited people just because she got overly enthusiastic, and you can tell her to not invite anyone else and trust she won't, and the extra guests can be easily accommodated, maybe issuing them official invitations would be the best route for you.

On the other hand, if your MIL is more the controlling, dictatorial type, who may have done this deliberately to exercise power over you, and even the thought of these extra people being official guests makes you anxious, then I would say don't invite them. As PP said, you're not uninviting them; they were never really invited in the first place, and the only one who would be rude is MIL (at best, clueless).

Top solution, if not inviting them, is to have MIL clean up her mess by contacting each of the people and clearly stating they are not invited, hopefully with the appropriate non-inflammatory wording. As extra protection, especially considering they know enough details to just show up, and are already making plans, I think LordL should also contact them, as a follow-up, with appropriate wording. Not because it's his obligation (it's his mother's), but to make extra sure MIL passes the information and sentiment on, and to be a gracious non-host to his non-guests, in a sense.
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Lady Snowdon

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Re: IL's invited their own guests to the wedding - how to handle?
« Reply #20 on: January 05, 2013, 08:52:34 PM »
I had one of DH's cousins trying to invite people to our wedding a week beforehand, after the numbers were already in to the caterers!  >:(  I mean, who does that?!?!  What we did was have another member of DH's family tell them, "LadySnowdon and LordSnowdon aren't able to invite them" repeatedly.  When the cousin wrote back and basically ignored all the repetition, I emailed her myself and said, "No, they cannot come to the wedding.  They were not invited, they cannot come.  It doesn't matter if you think they won't eat anything, or that they want to meet me, they are not invited".  It felt really harsh, but I was told later on that she'd attempted to do the same thing at other celebrations, and just wasn't taking the hint that family celebrations were not a time for her to invite whoever she liked. 

Or could you try negotiating with LordL's mother about who she wants to invite?  If she has 12 people she wants to invite, tell her you have six additional places, and ask her to choose.  Having people that you don't know at a wedding is kind of scary and exhausting, but it may be that it's better to have a few people there rather than having MIL invite all and sundry. 

PurpleFrog

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Re: IL's invited their own guests to the wedding - how to handle?
« Reply #21 on: January 06, 2013, 01:32:53 PM »
f you wouldn't have invited these people without MIL's interference don't invite them because she did. Wedding guest lists have a way of expanding, because cousin bert and family are invited, it becomes harder not to invite cousin Ernie, great aunt Audrey or your sister's hairdresser. If having distant relatives there would make you uncomfortable, draw the line clearly and soon. Get MIL to rectify her mistake.
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